ok soooo I have not kept up with like I wanted to. My no excuses isn't working hhhmm.
I tell myself "write even if you feel like no one reads" ok.
"Yeah but why waste my time?"
"It will help to keep ya on track"
"eehh really?? no one cares what I have to say"
"aahh not true rarely goes by a day that someone doesn't comment you on your journey"
Do you have these conversations with yourself? Not just about this but anything in your life. I don't know why I argue with myself so much. Have a I lost my mind? Naaa that's not possible, I never had one :D
So what have I been up to? Working on getting off the "maintain" wagon and hit the trail again. The past few days I have walked on my lunch. Back where I started last year. Not back to that weight but back to how I started off with exercising. I haven't stopped going to the gym but I let life get in my way with "stuff" Why?? Let's face it happens. We all have those days, weeks and general times that it happens.
I could use the excuse that I have not kept up with this because I have not been on the "normal diet" foods that people would think I could lose weight one. I didn't want to get any one off beat for what I am doing. If you read my last post you will see that I have been eating what I want within reason. If I want a donut, slice of pizza or something else I eat it and keep within my calorie count. I didn't do it for a purpose it just eroded to that. I did find that I believe my fear, one I am sure most "losers" have, "what if I don't keep the weight off this time" will not happen. I have, for the past month, been in maintain mode. I have gone to the gym less and ate what I wanted and was still able to keep within a 5lb variation of what I have been at. I am able to hold around the 86lb mark and I am happy about that. But it's time to move forward. I want to hit that 100 lbs down mark by summer. oh man that's just weeks away ..yikes!!
Last year when I started this journey my goal was just to get up and move. On my breaks I would make a few laps around the floor and on my lunch a few laps around the parking lot. I was moving and it was helping. So this week I started using my lunch time to do my 30 min walk. Since I have not been getting to the gym like I had been I HAVE to do something and I feel better when I do. I am more alert, I sleep better and lets face it the long term rewards are there too.
I have to say that I am happy about how far I have come. I know I am not where I want to be for the long term but I have not forgotten that. But something that makes me feel guilty at times is when people comment on how good I am looking and how I look happier now. Well for the most part of this I won't argue, at the same time there are days I feel a pressure to perform. Sounds weird to some, but any one that is a "loser" and have had people say that "you inspire me" know what I am talking about. For that matter anyone that has been .. well singled out ... good grade, good athlete, etc. may have felt this same pressure in different ways.
I have to say first off, I am NOT doing this for anyone but me. I never intended for this to be putting myself on for a show, I just wanted to change my life. I am happy to be able to say "if I can do so can you" because I know how hard it is to walk the road. The reason that I say I feel the pressure to perform because some days I know that I do not make the best choices. I don't want to make any one stumble. I want to be someone that will encourage. This is not all a bad thing, it does help to keep me on track. But the past month since I have not been at the top of my game I feel a lil ashamed when people say things like "keep up the good work". Part of me wants to shout " ok I know I didn't go to the gym today but I didn't want to, don't judge me". Now I know that is probably more me and my self critical thoughts than anything (remember I am harder on myself that anyone else could ever be when I get my mind set on something like this) but it's part of my walk right now. I guess that is part of the reason I feel guilty about not keep up with my blog. I know I would have been doing more/better if I had. I haven't written because, well I didn't do anything other than get up, go to work, eat lunch (sometimes) work some more and come home and do it all over again the next day. Who wants to read that every day. I didn't want to say that I got up had donuts for breakfast, pizza for lunch and chili dogs for dinner (and no I never did that all in ONE day :D ), cuz then someone would say if she can do it an still lose weight so can I. Everyone is different, some can do that and some can't some aren't far enough along that they can do this. Everyone has to find what works for them. Trust me I have changed my eating habits several times in this journey to shock my body back into losing mode.
When I started off with this blog my goal was to be totally honest and I have not done that in the sense I stopped writing when I stopped making the EXTRA effort. Everyone has to examine where they are and whats works for them. I am happy to talk about what works for me and see what I can to do help you find what works for you. I will swim with you. I will go to the gym with you. I will walk with you, but don't ask me to run :D it's not gonna happen ok :D I will be there to cheer you on an encourage you in anyway that I can. I will celebrate with you on the good and cry with you on the bad. Just keep in mind I there will be times I will let you down because I am human.
I want to thank all the people that have been cheering me on for the past year. Even though at times when I am not doing my best it still helps me to keep from getting WAY off track. Anyone reading this feel free to hold me accountable for keep on track. If you see me doing "the wrong thing" call me on it. If you read on a regular basis and don't see a blog for a while stop and say "what's up?" I may get defensive at first, but in the long run I will be thanking you for it.
To all my fellow losers lets get going :D
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