Dec 30, 2013 A time to reflect and redirect

     Ok so the past years that I have done my blog ... goals ... attempts ... what ever you want to call this journey ... it's not gone the way I wanted it to.

     I know at times some of the goals that I set in the beginning were not so realistic.  I reworked those.  Last year I started out saying that I wanted it to be my 100 year.  I wanted to lose the last 100 lbs.  I wanted to swim 100 miles.  I want to write at least 100 blogs.  I wanted to do 100 of 100 things.  I had hopes that it was really within my reach.  Well I missed it again. 

     I got close on one of the 100's but some I have to say I don't remember it all of them were.  The one I was sure I could do no matter what was swimming 100 miles.  I did great had some small set backs but bounced back pretty quickly ... till I messed up my knee.  That was back in Sept and I hate to say that I haven't really gotten back on track from that one .... yet.  bbhhhuuuttttt I am not going to focus on those down falls.  I'm not going to focus on how far I didn't make it.  I made some strides that a year ago I would not have even thought about.

 Soooooo it's time to redirect what my goals are.  I am also looking for some or more than someone ... some people that will help me with this.  I am calling this my 365 year for a multiple reasons.  I am looking for people to pray for me.  I am looking for people to encourage me.  I am looking for people that will come along side me and walk this with me when I feel like stopping.

This journey is not just about my physical health.  It's about my spiritual health as well.  I want people to hold me accountable to be on track on a daily basis.  I want to get healthy.  Exercise at least 30 minutes on a DAILY basis.  More importantly that I spend at least that much time in the word daily.  I waste toooo much time.  Let's be honest we all do but I am soooo miserable with parts of my life and it's time to stop. 

I have been thinking about this for the past few weeks and every time I turn around I get a conformation that it's the right direction to go.   This is a number that is coming up every where I turn.  Today it popped up in a way that I really didn't see coming.  This will be a better year.

I am not going to focus on weight goals.  I am going to focus on what I do on a daily basis and believe that the rest will fall into line where God wants it too.  

In the past this blog had been more about the physical journey but this year it will be different.  It will be about all of me.  God has given me a life to live for Him and that is what it's all about.  If I can't put Him first nothing else will fall into place like it needs to be.  I believe God has given me this as where I need to go.  

 As a quote from one of my favorite movies goes " I will praise Him if I win and I will praise Him if I fail"  ... ok not an exact quote but it's what I feel about it.  

In the past years God has helped me but when I let Him down and started to get out of focus that is when "my" goals got in the way and I failed.

I have things that I want to happen.  I have goals I want for the long term but they are not going to be my focus everyday like I have in the past. This year the goal is about one hour a day.  ORRR maybe I can combine the two into one lol ...  at least 30 min of exercise AND at least 30 min in Gods word.  

So who's gonna help me?  Who's gonna commit to pray for me?  Who's gonna drop a line or two here and there to make me keep going?  Who's gonna help me out this year?  I want to do this but I NEED your help.  Will it be you??  Come on guys I need your help, I can't do it alone.

  

8-27-13 31 of 100

So it's been a while since I last posted anything.  I am looking at this 100 count and it's looking slim that I will reach it but who knows, maybe one day I'll go crazy for a few weeks an actually post everyday ... eehh don't wait for it lol

I have been doing good but not feeling good.  It's kinda crazy really.  I have gotten at least my swim 4-5 days a week.  Maybe it's the idea that I am not working on my 5k pace that is getting me a lil bit right now.  I did today but more about that in a minute.  

What is getting me??
  Is it that I am not keeping with the foods ( even though most days I keep in my calorie range) that I feel are best for me?
Is it because I am not getting in the workouts that I want to?
Is it the meds I'm on?
Is it the changes that are going on in my life?

Maybe it's a lil bit of all of these things.  It's not like I am sitting around beating myself up.  Not that at all.  I am starting with my last question.  I am at a point in my life where change can feel like a 4 letter word.  I know change is part of life.  I know God has me where he wants me to be.  I am not fighting it.  I just don't like all of it.
I am super happy for my kids but as all kids do, of most kids, they do grow up and move out and do their own thing.  This is where both of mine are now.  Two weeks ago my son moved 45min away to be with my future daughter in law.  I love that they are happy but I do miss him.
My daughter and I do spend some time together.  We had talked about us going to the gym 2-3 days a week when I get off work.  Sometimes this doesn't happen cuz she has a problem with her knee.   Most of her free time is spent with my future son in law.  Again I am really happy for them.  He makes her really happy and takes good care of her.  I couldn't ask for a better guy.  But again I do miss my babies.  Yes they will always be my babies. :D
So with the free time on my hands I have made the choice of make it "me" time.  This has some people upset with me.  It's not that I try to exclude anyone from my life I have told them where I will be and have told them they are welcome to come along.  I am just going to "them" all the time like I have with my friends in the past.  The ones that really know how important this is to me and love me understand this.  The rest ... well I'm leaving it at that.  I hope they come around but if not I will miss them.

So what am I eating here lately?  I eat what I want.  I don't overeat what I want but I do eat.  If I feel like having some cake I have a healthy choice of that.  I made a cobbler type treat Sunday and it was goooooood.  Unsweetened frozen fruit/ dry box cake mix/and diet 7up.  Toooo simple to make and a much better choice.  
I had tried to stay away from whites an sugars but seems I am not doing the best at this.  I have kept under 2,000 calories (most days) but skipping here to have something sweet there isn't really the best choice.  Some days it's just the depression and I graze all day.  It's possible those days I do go over my calories.  Even if I do eat the right foods on those days and never huge amounts at any time, it's not a healthy way to do it.  
The past few weeks no matter what my eating habit is I feel STUFFED.  I know part of it comes from the meds I am on.  I had to change pharmacies and this is part of the problem.  I have on of my meds that, as the last place told me, has two generics they can give me.  One of these causes me to hold water.  Thing about it it is suppose to do just the opposite.  I told the new guys about this and he seemed to think I was crazy.  He told me there was only one kind.  So I stopped taking it over the weekend and don't feel that really bloated feeling like I was.  I will have to talk to my Dr about getting on a different kind for this.   No I am not telling you what's for cuz you will fuss at me :D

This morning I had a REAL struggle at the gym.  I think my heart was in it.  I had no problem getting up an getting there.  I just feel soooo out of place.  No out of sync.   I did get in my hour swim but it was such a struggle.  It took EVERY ounce of the Voice telling me to keep going.  I felt like I fish flopping on the bank struggling for air.  I could not get a rhythm going.  I kept stopping to catch my breath.  I have not done that since I first started two years ago.  I managed to get my .75 mile in and call it quits.  Even getting ready for work after that was a chore.  I don't know what it was from.  I feel like I weight a ton.  I feel almost like I did when I weighed over 400 lbs.  Thing is I don't weigh that much any more.  Why am I feeling this way.  It's driving me nuts!!!

I did make it back to the gym for the treadmill time.  I am really wanting to get a 4 day a week swim and 2\3 days in the evening.  I am not beating myself up in I only make one or the other but I really want to get this in.   

I think I need to get more core strength going again.  I guess that is part of the problem too.  I am doing plenty of cardio but not enough of other stuff.  I am not gaining but I feel like I am.  I feel like I am losing muscle.  Does that make sense?  I am sure it's possible.  

11 days till the Color Run 5k and I am trying not to talk myself outta it.  I want to go but the way my body feels there is part of me saying I better not go.  On top of that I was asked to do an out of town wedding that day.  I am playing in my mind how I can do both but part of my keeps thinking it may not be possible.  I need the money so saying no to the wedding photos isn't what I want to do.  At the same time it's not set in stone till I see the money.   So it's possible that day I will do a 5k (hopefully getting in one of the first waves that goes out) and then home to shower and drive two hours for the wedding.  Somehow the thought of it is almost overwhelming.  I know God knows what is best so if He opens the door for this I am trusting He will give me the strength.  He knows Im to stubborn to say no to one of the other.

So yea a lot going on but I keep plugging on.  It's getting late so I need to get some rest.  4am comes early for this old lady :D
Stand back, say a prayer an cheer me on.  

ps I have not reread this so work with it :D

8-16-13 30 of 100

No people I am not mad at you when I take time for the gym.  You are more than welcome to join me. 

 I am not avoiding you if I don't call you.  You have my number and can call me if you are concerned or care enough to find out what is going on in my world. 

 I have spent my life for the most part thinking about and doing for others.  I have no regrets but it's my time.  I have to think about me so that I can be what God put me here to be.  I do not feel that is being selfish and if you have a problem with those thoughts you again are more than welcome to talk to me about it.

This week has been a pretty good week.  I have kept in a gym routine and within reason I have had pretty good eating habits. (not counting the day of  my 10 yr anniversary dinner lol)  Three days this week made it to a swim before work.  Right now I should be leaving for the gym but we are getting a much needed rain and they will not let me in the pool :( 

 I am ok with this I did get my 2nd workout in yesterday.  I am kinda feeling it too.  I have not walked that much since the 5k and really need to.  I did keep a pretty good pace but I want to work on getting a lil faster.  The next 5k is just three weeks away and I want to finish in under an hour this time.  I think I can do it :D

Oh me oh my I let my thoughts wonder ... why oh why do I do that.  Oh yeah my swimming goal.  I was calculating and if I go 4 times a week and keep at least .75 mi each day I will stay on track for my 100 goal.  It's the one goal I am sticking pretty close to.  I got behind but I am catching up slowly.  I WILL do this.  

Well I had my lil rant and I have done a catch up on my week.  I still have 3 hrs before I have to be at work.  Shall I go back to sleep or get in a home work out?  I'm not telling lol

Stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.  I'm gonna do it this time. 

8-11-13 29 of 100

Well I'm not seeing the victory on the scales.  I feel good but defeated at the same time.  I have gotten up every morning but Monday this week and made it to the gym for a swim. My eating habits are not off the charts but not spot on healthy either.  Anyone that follows me on  http://www.myfitnesspal.com/genieb100 will see that.  When I take the time to write it all down I log the good, the bad and the ugly.  Some days "I'll do it later" just doesn't happen good or bad.

God's word tells us to take captive all our thoughts.  This is where my problem is this week.  Well many times for that matter.  I sometimes set my goals higher than I should I guess.  Even when I don't if they are reasonable goals and I miss the mark, but tried my best, I hear "the thoughts".  

My goals this weeks, and for weeks to come, are two simple ones.  Get control of healthy food choices and hit the gym twice a day.  Some think "ok food choices easier than the gym one".  This is not true for me and just the opposite as to what I did at the start of my journey.  Getting up and getting to the gym has become something like .. well going to work.  I know it's needed.  I don't always want to.  But when I am done with it I can look back and say "ya did good".

Food choices? Now that is a bit different.  When I started this journey two years ago cutting out whites and sugars and watching my portions size was a bit easier than it is now.  Why? Why was it easier then and not feel like so much a habit now?  No really tell me why?  I only have excuses. 

So here's where the defeated feeling comes in.  I want to go to the gym twice a day.  I want to keep up with my swim goal for the year.  I still have 47 miles to hit that 100 mark.  This has been pretty easy for me right now.  I swim at least 3/4 a mile each day.  If I go even only 4 times a week for that distance I will hit 60 more miles by the end of the year.  That would pass my goal.

My second part of the gym trip is the treadmill.   This is where I am kicking myself.  I want to work on my pace for upcoming 5ks.

As you know I did my 1st 5k last weekend and loved it.  I know I can't believe I say that.  It was a blast.  Well not the whole thing.  There were times I wanted to stop but did so only for maybe 30-60 seconds.  The last half mile (not knowing how close I was cuz of no markers) I didn't think I could make it.

 A lady come by me and I jokingly asked her to carry me the rest of the way.  Yes I did lol.   We started talking a bit and before I knew it we were done.  I didn't realize just how close I was.  We turned the corner to see the finish line (my daughter ran ahead to cross it) and I felt that smile that come deep from within that you can't stop.
  I said lets run, to the lady that I had been chatting with since she wouldn't carry  me, knowing this isn't going to happen lol.  I, for what crazy reason, handed my phone to a total stranger and got the to take my pic of my coming across the line.  

I got so caught up in the moment of making it there I wasn't thinking of anything else.  Apparently since I handed my phone to a total stranger. 

 I don't know who she was.  I never got her name.  I don't know that I will ever see her again but I am so glad she came along when she did.  Talking to her made me forget where I was, more or less, and I made it across that line.  

So my 2nd workout comes back to the 5k because I am hooked.  It's crazy but I want to do more.  This one started in memory of my "hero" Garvin but I am ready to keep going.

I already have signed up for the Color Run on 9-7.  Anyone that is in town come join me or at least cheer me on along the way.  Yeah you can take pix too :D  

This week my plan for a 2nd workout just didn't happen.  I used the excuse I was sore on Monday and I didn't want to push to hard.  Oh wait I used that excuse that morning too lol

Tue I actually had my stuff in the car for the 2nd workout but I didn't make it.  Why?  I don't remember what excuse I used that day.  I have plenty of them, even if some are good reasons not to go.  I had been working on a pace to make the 5k and I want to get back on the treadmill with that.  It's not a hard goal it's just one that I have do it.

These goals I have set are not that hard.  The eating part I just have grab hold of it.  Some days I tell myself I have done without to many times and need to just dive in and eat what I want.  Oh wait THAT'S HOW I GOT THIS WAY!!  Satan you are a liar and I don't NEED that stuff.   Funny thing in the back of my head somewhere, when I am looking at food choices, I hear that voice talking to me about what I should eat.  I wish I listened to it more.  Some day I just blow it outta the water.  I guess I need to add a 3rd goal.  Keep captive my thoughts. 

I need to push away the thoughts that are not going to get me where I need to be.  I need to do this with every part of my life.  Spiritually, physically and financially.  It's a package deal.  I know that when I trust in the Power that gives me life I can do it. 

sooo  Who's with me?  Are you going to just stand back and cheer me or will you join me?  Let's do this guys.  I need all the help I can.

So yeah ... Say a prayer and lets do it.

8-3-13 28 of 100

This has been a good week.  Monday no gym but I did go grocery shopping does that count as a workout?  lol

Tue/Wed and Thurs was in the pool by 5:30 am and got in at least .75-1 mi each day.  I am closing in on getting caught up on the goal I need to be at to get back on track for my 100 miles for the year.  Each evening after work I went back to the gym for a second workout.  At least 30-60 min on treadmill.  I was working on a pace to get me thru my first 5k.  Which I JUST finished!!!

The first mile went pretty easy, like it does on the treadmill.  About the half way point I starting to slow down my pace a lil but was determined to keep going.  

I am pretty sure Afton an I may die from pain tonight but we did it!! We are already planning our next one.  Sept at home for the Color Run.  I will be spending more time at the gym and working more on the pace time on the treadmill.  

During the week food chart was pretty good.  Kept in my calorie range and did manage to get off 8 of the yo-yo lbs.  The weekend is off the chart but with all the walking I think it will even itself out.  BIG sinnamon roll for break fast.  Greasy burger and fries for lunch.  Did I mention they took me to their favorite aahh "candy" store?  I did pretty good with my choices there.  I got sesame sticks.  Not tooo healthy but good choice of fiber lol.  Oh but Afton did pick out some JellyBelly ... I love jelly beans lol.  

Before the 5k we did eat pizza.  It was only one slice.  Ok Ok  it was a BIG slice, about the size of two normal ones.  Thin crust with lots of veggies an meats lol.  I am pretty sure that I walked it off.
Well it's late and I need some rest.  Sleep in and head home tomorrow.  I will take it easy so that I can hit it early Monday at the gym.  I still have a lot of work to get done.

Stand back, say a prayer an cheer me on. 

7-24-13 27 of 100

ok so I am on a roll now.  I know THREE days in a row .. what is happening???  But this is going to be short an sweet.
Today didn't make in for my swim but my body needed the rest.  I'm ok with it.  I am not going to rush myself to catch up.  It WILL happen over the next month.  I am going to swim at least 2-3 times a week and then each evenings for more cardio on the treadmill/stationary bike with my daughter.  And a lil weight stuff too.

Tonight I my plan was to see how long it would take to walk a 5k.  I can say I need to pick up the pace a bit.  Next Friday I will be in Wichita Ka for the Glow Run in memory of my "hero" that lost his life to leukemia.  Walking it with his wife/daughter and I think gdaughter ... not to mention my sweet lil girl.  

My plan was to walk it in an hour but that didn't happen.  In the hour that I had planned for my time I managed to get in 2.36 miles.  I know why didn't I finish I was soooo close.  I used the excuse a friend was coming to meet me and I didn't want to keep them waiting.  I know the would have waited but I felt like I had done good.  It's been a while since I walk for an hour without stopping.  Ok ok I rested for a few seconds here an there tonight.  But I did get in an hour plus cool down.

Food for the day I finished off from the trip to Subway this morning.  Oh alright I had my guilty please.  Taquita from On the Run when I stopped to get my morning drinks.  Lunch I had a plate of veggies.  I wish I could tell you what I am having for dinner at this late hour but I made the mistake of letting the kids decide.  

All in all I feel good about the day.  Tired but good.  Stand back.  Say a prayer and cheer me on!!

7-23-13 26 of 100

ok so today was pretty good.  Got up before my the alarm was set to go off, unlike yesterday forgetting to set the alarm and only having time go get ready for work.  

Awake at 4:15 up by 4:30 ... eat unhealthy left over chicken tenders from last night.  Good thing there was only 4 lol.  I was IN the pool by 5:27 (got in early only cuz I promised not to sue if I drown lol) and got in a good, but rough, swim for 1:15 min.   Rough cuz dolphin boy was there, I def get my workout with him splashing like he does ():D

So the 100 mile swim?? yeah it's still on but I am behind.  I need to be at 56 miles by the end of week and I am at 49 right now.  If I can make myself get up EVERY morning this week and get at least a mile in I can get caught up to only being one mile down by the end of the month.  Next week no swimming.  I have to be at work an hour earlier so that I can have Friday off to go to Wichita Ka for my 5k glow run.  But I will be going after work and getting a workout in.

Breakfast was from On The Run.  It's like 7-11 ... you know the stuff they have there.  Taquita are one of my fav.  I know I know don't look at me like that lol.  I did drink LOTS of water to help make up for it.  Lunch my work neighbor and I headed to Subway.  6in ham an cheese only 310 calories.  No, no dressing, only salt pepper and vinegar ... and more water.  NO not on my sub silly :D 

After work, you're gonna love this.  My daughter and I have made a deal to go work out everyday after work.  Today was no different.  So I got in two workouts today.  Yes TWO!!!!  I feel good.  Then back to Subway, she even recommended it.  Yea another 6 in ham n cheese .... and??? yup MORE water!! 

 Did I mention while I was at the gym I drank something ...ahhmm WATER!!!!  I feel like I am sloshing but I feel good.  I would love to say I am not going to let this feeling go but I know it will at some point.  I am just going to enjoy it while it's here:D

The evening workout started out on stationary bike.  Two sets each on ab machine and seated leg curls.  100 reps each set at 50lbs each.  Then cool down for a 10 min walk on the treadmill.  aahhhmm did I say I was getting tired?  I would have had more water but I drank it all.  I don't like fountain water soooo I was thirsty :/

Ended the day with 1548 calories and burned ... 1955.  I think that is going in the direction now.  Well burned that much just the cardio in the gym.

Well I AM  getting sleepy, after all I've been up since EARLY.  When ya get this old that's really not good for ya.  So short an sweet  but a victory just the same and a smile on my face.   
Stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.

7-22-13 25 of 100

ok so I hope I do better at swimming my 100 miles than I have been at keeping up with my blog.  Seems I am just getting behind on this.  I would love to say I am going to write everyday, like I wanted to when I started this, but anyone that has been following for anytime can see that is probably not gonna happen.
Today started with a LATE start.  Late in the sense that I some how forgot to set my alarm to go swim.  The pool opens at 5:30 and if I get there at that time I can get in .75-1 mile before I have to go to work.  Today ... no alarm at all.  Why I woke up when I did I don't remember but I am glad that I wasn't late for work.   The time?  6:46.  Oh well at least I did make it after work for at least 30 min workout with my daughter. 
The food journal is not to bad.  I need to get on better track with that.  I am keeping in the 1500-2000 range but not all the choices are the best.  I need to get back to the basics but it's hard to get done for some reason.  I don't get it.  When I started I just stopped eating whites an sugars but now I try to not eat some of them and that's all I seem to crave.  I need to get a handle on this.  
I am not going backwards but I am not moving forward either.  I WILL get it done just not right now.  I am not giving up so don't give up on me.  Stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.

July 10th 2013 24 of 100

I know I know I was going to do this more ... life gets me down and I don't make it.  This is short and sweet tonight.  I am slowly getting back on track where I need to be to keep this journey going.  I have recruited my daughter as my workout partner.  She is wanting to lose weight before her wedding next summer.  Me I just want to lose weight and be healthy.  We CAN do this.
I have been a bit lazy for the early swim.  After talking with my daughter we decided to go when I get off work AT LEAST 3 times a week.  Then again if I have someone that will go with me I am more apt to get there more often.  Is that a real word??  eehh you know
The food didn't start out like I would have liked it to but I did manage to stay under 2,000 calories. I really want to get it back down to 1,200 but I am ok with it today.
Last night made lasagna.  One pan with pasta and one with zucchini instead of noodles.  It was really good.  The morning I had the "bad" one but for lunch I had the "good one".  
Dinner was a stop off at Carl's Jr and that is what put me up there.  Three chicken strips and small fries.  But again I am not upset about it.  I feel good today.  I always do when I make it to the gym.
Tonight I am TIRED not been sleeping well so I need to say good night
Stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.  Let's do this!!!

6-13-13 day 23 of 100

blah!!!! yesterday was just a day of blah!!! I really don't like the way I feel in my body right now.  I know a big part of it would be I have not getting in the type of exercise that I need to be.  I do get in swimming 2-3 times a week right now.  I need to get back to the weight room.  I need to do more that will flatten that tummy and make me feel better.  I have lost weight but I just don't like the way I feel.
Yesterday was a bust in some ways.  I know I am probably being harder on myself than I need to be.  I never even logged my calories.  I really didn't want to know if I was on track because I was beating myself up.  I didn't A LOT but I didn't make the best choices of what I did eat.  I have been trying to STOP whites and sugars and the days are hit an miss with that.
Feeling fat and frumpy yesterday didn't feel like anything I was wearing so on my lunch I thought "I'll go buy something to make me feel better".  I did get a few shirts that are comfortable but I realize nothing is going to make me feel better about my body but bumping up my workout times.
Today was suppose to be different.  I was going to get up and hit the gym bright and early.  Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep so that didn't happen.  Days/ nights like that really doesn't do what it needs to when I am just fighting staying awake.
Stay tuned to see what the day holds for me.  I am going to try and get a workout in.  If not at least stay on a healthy note with my food choices.
Stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.  

June 10, 2013 day 22 of 100

The quiet house is talking to me.  I didn't have that bad a day really, just ending on one of those notes that I don't like.

Last night was a late night so no gym this morning.  I was so tired, sleepy feeling all day.  I have to get to bed earlier tonight.  If I don't get enough sleep my body can't burn off the calories I am giving it.  Or so they tell me.  I just know if I go without enough sleep for to many days in a row I am not the person you want to be around.

Tonight I came home to the empty house.  I don't really watch TV anymore.  And as you know by now my feelings about cooking for one.  I did good on my calories and I didn't blow it tonight as bad as I hear the food calling my name.  No I promise I am not hearing the voices  lol

Sometimes the quiet is nice.  I lay here, I know I should go for a walk ... it aint gonna happen, and I hear the cars going by.  The fan spinning.  And my stomach saying FEED ME!!

The depression is getting me today.  That part of my wants to run and eat anything I can get my hands on.  I just want to do something but I can't even seem to get myself to do that.  

I did make myself eat a bowl of peas.  I have kept within my calorie range for the day.  I think I should stop looking at recipes on Pintrest, it's only helping the hungry monster that I am trying to ignore.  

I should probably call it an early evening.  I need my rest, not just for health reason, because I have a big photoshoot that I am a bit nervous about.  I know my photos are good, but I also know that not everyone likes them.  This one is going to be in print as advertising.  That's what I have wanted.  That's what I went to school for.  So it's time to step and ... aaahh but the what if's pop in my head.  

I think I just need to go to bed.

Say a prayer and stop in an cheer me on.  I need all the help I can get right now.

June 8 2013 blog 21 of 100

I wish I could have at least 2-3 good days in a row.  Bad days? Wow they can go for weeeeks.  Why not the good day. Not much to say other than I totally blew my whole day. Alarm went off at 7am so I could have had plenty of time to be at the pool by 8.  That didn't happen.
This started off a chain reaction of bad choices for the rest of the day.  
I woke up hungry because, if you remember, I went to bed hungry and water sloshed last night.  Breakfast consisted of the rest of the pork chops and broccoli from last nights dinner.  I know not to bad right? Just wait.
I spent the next few hours trying to finish up the video I was working on.  This only got me frustrated when I got all the clips I wanted and didn't save.  I usually do this every few steps why I didn't today I have no idea.  Long story short had a mishap that lost the last hour of work and I had to start over.  Still laying on the couch because I just didn't feel like doing anything else, I started over again.
The only thing that did get me to move much was going to the ranch to take pictures for their website.  Aahh but before I could leave the house I had something that upset me.  As I drove off, hungry, I began to cry.  
Arguing with myself about getting something to eat and to stop crying in the next, and worst, choice I made today.  Whataburger!!  A bacon cheeseburger meal that left me a whopping calorie count of 800!! one meal.  I really didn't even enjoy like I thought I would.  I was still fighting back tears.

Just before I got to the road that leads to the ranch was the graveyard that my parents are buried in.  This of course makes me cry cuz I have really been missing my mom.  Two years gone by now and some days it seems like it was yesterday when I got the call.

At the ranch was pretty much the only exercise I got today.  Don't get too excited for me.  All I did was walk around the stalls and the first riding area and took some pictures of the horses.  The riders were not there.  My bad they are not going to be there till tomorrow.  I will not.  I will be two hours away at on of my "kids" graduations.  My daughters best friend since kindergarten will be walking the stage tomorrow.  She is like my own.

I come home and where did I go?  Back to my comfy corner I call (and a few of my friends) my world.  I was laying here laptop in hand going to work on the video once again and............ fell back asleep.  Actually I think I cried myself to sleep.

The day is pretty much wasted.  I only halfway completed anything I set out to do.  The video is ready for the music but now, to add to my frustration, I can not get the music.  I am pretty sure I am going to call it a night and try again tomorrow
Stand back, say a PRAYER and cheer me on.  I need all the help I can get.

June 6 2013 20 of 100

4:30 am I hear birds chirping.  What in the world? They are getting louder.  Ahh it's my wonderful alarm.  That snooze button is just too inviting.  I must hit it at least once and only once.  uugghhh I'm awake.  Then again isn't that what I wanted when I set it for that time. Who knew there was a 4pm AND 4 am??  I do .... these days.

5:30 am.  I walk into the pool room.  It's nice a quite.  The water is still.  The only light there is comes from the glow of the ones in the lobby that's just out the door and up stairs.  It's my time.

I walk to the shallow end and lay down my rocks.  I love my rocks, they help me keep count when I am swimming and they don't wash away like marbles.

I walk to the ladder and step down. That is when I see them.  The first small ripples of the day.  Still no one around I push thru the water to my lane.  I stand there for a minute and just breath it in.  Not the the smell of the chlorine that you would think of but the clean smell that I get in the pool.  The water is clear enough to see thru.  It's peaceful, something you don't think about when you think about the gym.  Or working out.

I stand at the end of my lane for just a few seconds and stretch. I take a deep breath and I lower myself down to where I am face level with the water and begin to stroke.  The stillness starts to leave as the ripples of the water grow faster and harder as I reach the other end of the pool.  It's my time.  Still no one around to disturb the quiet. 
As I reach the end to make my first turn the ripples have become large enough that the splash back in my face.  I don't care.  I am moving.  For the first time in my life I feel good about swimming like this.  I am doing it.

My mind runs thru all kinds of thoughts as I swim.  The kids and what to do about where we are in our lives now.  The day ahead at work and what it may bring.  I try to think about anything but what I am doing.  Today felt like a struggle to pull myself thru the water but I was going to keep going.  I needed to think about anything.  Pray about the day.  I had to keep moving.  Don't stop keep going.  Don't stop keep going.

Before I knew it it was 5:55 and the first person was there to join me in the pool.  It was nice having it to myself but now the real struggle began.  My waves I could control but someone else ... well that can make it hard some days.

My mind begins to compare how life can be like the water splashing at me.  How this two year journey has been.  I get going along and doing well and then add someone/something and that when it gets hard.  Especially when they are moving against you.  This was the struggle today as it is with many days.  

I am not the fastest swimming out there.  I have to remind myself to take it one stroke at a time and not think about the others.  The other guy isn't one of the best swimmers I see there but he technic doing cause a big splash. (not near as bad as dolphin boy, read prior blogs for that one)  Of course this makes bigger waves too.  But I was not going to let this get in my way.  I can't give up when the swimming gets hard.  I can't give up when this journey gets hard and I can't give up when life gets hard.  You just keep going.

The other swimmer didn't stay long and I had a hard time making myself stay.  I find myself many days arguing with myself about how far, how long I am going to swim.  If I am going to keep the goal I set for myself for the day. 

 My usual goal when I swim like this before work is 3/4 of a mile and today was not different.  Still I did my usual oh I can just this far.  I can make up time ____.  NO!!! Don't stop keep going.  Don't stop KEEP going!!!

6:25 I have finished my goal of distance but it had not been a full hour.  I can get in a few extra laps and be able to stay on track for my yearly goal.  I signed up to swim 100 miles.   It's only 2-3 miles a week.  When I get in my morning swims this is an easy goal.  It's when I slack off I have to push myself back.  

6:31 I head for the showers and my day begins.  After my shower I stepped on the scale and found that my 5 "yoyo" lbs are gone again.  This makes me happy but I don't celebrate it.  I have been bouncing 5-10 lbs back and forth for a few months now.  I need to get past that and move on to my goal.  Thats when I'll really celebrate.   

As I was leaving I stopped by the log sheet on the wall to add my laps for the day.  I am pleasantly surprised to realize I am right on track for the year.  44 miles so far.  I am happy about this too. 

I go grab my keys at the front desk and I am out the door at 7:05.  Right when I wanted to be.  Walking to my car I realize that the swim didn't feel like an hour.  I had lost 5 lbs this week AND I am on track for my swimming goal.  I am already ahead of what some people do all day.  

The day did have it challenges but it was a good day.  I ended up with my exercise done.  Water ... well I am still sloshing.  Calories, good.  I am hitting for 1200 but 1349 isn't too bad when I think that I was hitting 1500-2000.  I am still under that.  

The evening, as most day, was the biggest challenge.  I actually cooked.  I know I am surprised too.  Baked pork steaks and broccoli.  Even bigger surprise my daughter ate with me.  First time I had even seen her this week that one of us wasn't in sleep mode.  Then my son came home and ate before he headed off for his weekend.  Wow a workout, cooking a real meal AND time with the kids all in one day.  WOOHOO!!!

After dinner settled and I was working editing a video it hit me.  I can't be hungry.  I have already had enough calories.  More than I wanted to have.  SSSHHHH!!! Shut up tummy.  Here have some water I have work to do.

And so my day ends, when I finish editing the video, on a good note.  Guys stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.  I'm doing it this time. :D 

June 5th 2013 19 of 100

Today was to be a new start.  Then again isn't everyday a new start?  Today was difference.  Last night I had my first conference call with a support group that is on the same journey as I am.   This is something I have very much needed.  I have gotten off track somewhat.  More so my motivation. 
Some days I feel like someone needs to just push my off the cliff to get me going.  Today would have been a good day to have someone with a shock collar.  I did well last night getting to bed at a time that would get my up and at the gym by 5:30 when the pool opens.  Did I make it?  I just wasn't feelin it.  I was up.  I was even awake.  I just couldn't make myself go.  
I did talk myself into something .. well a better choice of what I wanted to do.  I WANTED to go to Ihop for breakfast.  I love the Waffle breakfast but I stayed home and had eggs and wheat toast. That was enough to last me till lunch.  Actually past lunch time.  I don't know if I really wasn't hungry or if it was the "I donwannnas".  I ended up wandering downstairs to the cafeteria and the choice was ... chicken pot pie ... carbs ... corn ... carb/starch ... hamburger and french fries.  The thing about eating there is even the "good foods" end up fried over covered in butter somehow.  The steamed veggies after being steamed are put on a grill and cooked in butter.  I don't get this.  So french fries is what I ended up with.  Tomorrow I need to pack my lunch cuz I have not felt like leaving.
The evening challenge of what to do for dinner.  Cooking for one just isn't any fun.  The kids were gone, as they usually are these days, and I really just didn't want to cook a big meal.  I have been craving green peas and that is what I had.  Six cups to be exact lol. 
I had one round of peas three cups and then came the commercial for Dairy Queen.  Ice cream looked inviting.  I don't usually want it but I think I was more hungry still than I wanted ice cream.  So back to the freezer for a second round of peas and more water.  I guzzled another 32 oz with the peas and I think I am good for the night.  I just need to get my mind off it.  Thats the hard part.  Empty nest here and I don't have as much going on, not that I don't have things to do, to keep my mind off "stuff".  
Tomorrow is a new day.  I plan on getting up an swim before work.  I know I will feel better.  I can do this. I can do this!!! So stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.   

May 23 ...18 of 100

The day started out at 4:15 am.  I had planned being in bed by this time but here it is 11:15 pm and still wide awake.  I had the sleepy feeling earlier this evening but it was too early for bed and I had plenty to do.  Now that feeling has past and I can't sleep.  Maybe I could if I let my brain stop but I keep thinking  

I had an overall good day ... well till dinner I did pretty good.  I have not counted those calories yet but I think it may have put me over my daily bank.

I was out of the house and in the pool by 5:45 and swam for an hour.  It felt good to be in the water.  I really didn't want to go to work.  Eeehh I never want to do that  lol.  I was more alert and felt better.  

After my swim had time to stop for a breakfast burrito before.  Lunch went to Subway and got a footlong ham n cheese on wheat.  I had half for lunch and then half for an after snack.  I think I have the ulcer coming back again so I have to make myself eat every few hours or I get that wonderful stomach pain.

For dinner the kids wanted to head to a pizza place.  Not to mention it was later than I normally I CAVED!!  I ordered a calzone and only had half it.  I say that like it makes it better but that was way more carbs I needed for the day.  Overall the day was pretty good.

So stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.

May 22 2013 day 17 of 100

Here we go again.  I have lost count of how many times I have got off track.  When I stop and think about it my heart gets heavy and I want to give up.  At the same time I DON'T want to go back to where I was.  I CAN'T go back there.  So I just keep going.  I get up and I fall.  But isn't it that way with everyone?  Isn't that how we find where we are?  IF we never failed at anything how would we know that we are succeeding?  Would we know?  Would we feel that good feeling you get when you hit that mark you are looking for?  What is that mark for you?  What is my goal?  

As many know that may follow this I have been on this journey for two years now.  I set out for the BIG goal to lose down to be under 200 lbs.  I have not been that low on the scale since before I had kids, twenty plus years actually.  I have been at weights that I was more comfortable with myself but not under 200.

January 2011 I set out to lose 100 lbs by my birthday in Sept.  That didn't happen.  I reset that goal and reset that goal.  I have yet to hit that 100 lbs mark.  I got close 92 lbs and I am happy about that.  But then I keep losing it, no not the weight but the drive to keep going.  I keep looking at that halfway point and getting distracted at my daily goals.  I look at people that I have come to know on this journey and see their success and feel like I am missing it.  Feel like?  no I AM missing it.  I get discouraged at my choices some days.  I have been lazy.  I could sugar coat that thought and make excuse but fact still remains that I have gotten lazy.  Lazy ... L.A.Z.Y. 

I could blame my lazy choices on my depression and it does affect me but that would be an excuse.  I know that when I get out and work out and make healthy choices thru the day I don't feel that depression.

I could blame in on lack of money.  REALLY???  Somedays I say I don't eat healthier because I don't have the money to buy that stuff.  Who am I kidding?  A time or two here and there that is true but then I get in the habit on that being an excuse.  

FOCUS on the positive!!!!  I lose focus, do you??  I could blame that on the ADD, like so many do but that is an excuse.  FOCUS!!  What do I focus on?  Apparently the BIG goal is getting my off track.  I look at it an it seems so far away.  Like I will never make it there.  I need to adjust my focus.  I know someday I am going to make it.  I know someday I am going to be in Heaven.  I know someday ....  I need to learn how to focus on the day to day steps.  The big goal is the "end" prize and yes I want that in many areas of my life but I have to work to get there.  I have to take it one step at a time.   As I write this I am torn inside.  I want to make the right choices but I seem to keep looking at the end goal not where I am now.

I CAN do this!!  Today WILL be another new start.  If I fall down tomorrow I will start again so stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.  I need all the help I can get.

5-14-13 16 of 100

One of the days I hope to get it all together.  One of these day I hope that I can live a happy free life.  A life free of food addiction.  A life where I don't have to take meds for depression.  A life where I can just be happy to be alive. I know that not all of these can be.  I know that I will have to deal with them for the rest of my life.  Lets face I am pushing 50, if I was going to "get it all together" I would have done so by now.  God has me here, where I am, for a reason and I accept that.  Even at my age I am still learning to deal with all this.  I will never "get there".

I have not been writing cuz I don't feel like I have anything to say that would motivate anyone.  I didn't feel like I had anything to say that anyone wants to hear.  I know that I started this to keep me on track and hopefully motivate someone along the way.  I just don't feel like I have been doing that. 

Now that I have my confession out what have I been doing?  I have been bouncing back and forth with exercise and nutrition.  It seems if I get going on my nutrition I miss it with exercise and vise a versa.  I told someone today, jokingly, that I need someone to keep me on track.  Even though I said it as a joke I probably do need someone to keep me accountable.  It is tooooo easy for me to find an excuse not to do the right things.  I love motivating people and helping them but some days I need it too.  Everyone needs someone to motivate them, me included. 

I was on a roll with the gym till last week.  Somehow I hurt my arm and there is pain that I don't know what to do with it.  I had hoped that it would be better by now by not using it to much.  Tomorrow I am going to attempt the gym.  I NEED my swim.  I just don't feel the same when I don't get some type of exercise.  REAL exercise not just the lil things I do for the extra stuff.  I still park towards the back of the parking lot at work.  I take the stairs .... going down all the time but been lazy about it going up.

Tomorrow ... no today I will get in some kind of exercise, even if its just walking on my lunch.  I NEED to regain control of the road I have been walking the past two years.  It was not for nothing.  It is for my life.  A healthier life that I deeply desire.  We all do.  

If you do not have an accountability partner look for one.  If you need give me a call, even if you don't live close, we can call and talk or text or whatever you need to keep on track. I'm ready for this are you?  

Stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.  WE CAN do this!!!

April 19th 2013 15 of 100

It feels like it has been so long since I wrote anything.  I think I was just back at the pool talking about dolphin boy.

This week was much better than I have been in a while.  Well in most areas.  Eating choice... eehhh not as good as I would like them to be but still more controlled than I use to.  

The gym .. ahhh my gym.  I love love love to swim.  Some days it doesn't even feel like exercise .. till dolphin boys starts that swim lol  Come on guys he looks like a dolphin I'm REALLY not trying to be mean.  I have to say though it does build me up. I have to fight harder to swim and it makes me tired buuuuttt I have to fight harder to burn calories.   idk if it's true but it sounds good huh?  ():D

So after last weekend getting sick and MAKING myself hit the gym Tue I am feeling so much better.  I was able to swim Wednesday morning as well.  The past two days no swim cuz I had to go into work early.  However today on my lunch I did get in a 20 minute walk.  It was nice.  Didn't feel ANYTHING like that first time I walked it two years ago. 

I remember that day so well.  I really had no plans to go for a walk that day, like today.  I had no desire to go for a walk that day, like today.  I walked to the lobby on my lunch and it looked so pretty out that I wanted some fresh air.  I went outside and walk to the end of the building.  Then out to the street.  Then I just kept going (sound like a line from Forrest Gump huh? nnnooo he was running!!)  I ended up making two laps around the full parking lot.  I remember how I could not even walk a full lap without having to stop and rest.  It took me pretty much the whole hour but back then but I just kept going.  I prayed for friends that were going thru trouble and just didn't let myself think about what I was doing.  Well till I couldn't breath and had to stop :/.  

Today I got the same two lapps in in only 20 mins.  I wasn't in a hurry but it was nice that I made both laps in LESS time and didn't have to stop at all  YEAH ME!!!! :D

 Man I can so tell the difference when I don't get a workout in before work.  My stress level on gym days is so much better.  

So my eating habits... man I wish I could say I am on target with that.  I wish I was.  I keep saying "but I am staying in my calorie range" .. and I am  ... but I know I need to get real with it.  I know that last weekend was a wake up call.  No sugars!!!  No greasy foods!!  It was tooooo much for my body to handle.  I will have a splurge day here and there but NOT like that.  I am trying to get back to where I started.  Just kept it simple no whites or sugars.  Not that I go overboard on a daily basis but I need to get more fresh veggies back in my diet.  yeah I know I said that 4 letter word but it's not that it's a diet but a "life style change"  it's still my daily diet right?  lol

So now if I could just get myself on track with both food AND exercise at the SAME time that would soooo awesome!!  So pray for me guys.. PRAYER FOR ME I SAID!!! :D

Ok well speaking of exercise I probably need to get get some more.  20 min walk isn't really much for me these days.  I got to get that squat challenge done.  So stand back say a prayer and cheer me on.  Let's do this

4-16-13 14 of 100

Oh boy FINALLY made it back to the gym.  After being sick in one way or another for the past week it felt good to be back in the water. 

I woke up still feeling like my tummy didn't want to do anything but I drug myself to the gym.  I had my plans to get in the .75 mile that I have set for my morning swims.  As I drove up I could already see that I was in for the added challenge of dolphin boy ( I know some may think I am being ugly calling him that but.... ).  

As I entered the building I wasn't in a hurry.  I knew that I had plenty of time to get in my planned swim.  I was able to hit the water by 5:40, right on time.  As I was swimming I realized that I wasn't doing all that bad on time.  Even with the waves from dolphin boy ... come on guys you have to see that one stroke he does.  I don't know what to call it but I think of dolphin when I see it.  It makes WAVES.  Now don't get me wrong, he has as much a right as I do to be there.  It's not like I am protesting for him to go away.  I just wish he didn't make so many waves.  I know I know it makes me a stronger swimmer.  Well at least I have to work harder while he is there.  Which means burn more calories.  Some days though I dread it.  Some days I want a nice lazy mile swim.  Be nice to me!!

I get on last .25 and was feeling pretty good and talked myself into doing a full mile.  It was only an extra 15-20 minutes and I had that much time before I HAD to get in the shower without being late for work.  So I did it.  The time went by pretty quickly too.  So my new goal now that I can see I can get there I am pushing myself up 10 min.  If I can get in the water by 5:30 I should be able to get in a mile every morning.

Funny I can remember when I made plans to swim a mile or an hour and it seemed like it took FOREVER.  Today this time was like nothing.  I guess I have gotten use to the two hour swim that this is a quick walk in the park.  I just know it's nice to be able to keep going.

Not much else today.  Stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.  

4-8-13 13 of 100

Today I started my new schedule and it was good.  I work up bright an early and was in the pool by 8:40.  That gave me plenty of time to swim an hour before I had to get ready for work.  It was GREAT!  Today I didn't even mind Dolphin boy.  If you don't remember him ask or look at prior days posts.  He's there.  
The day went well.  I had a few sets back but I did not let them keep me down.  I am not going to let myself get stressed like I have been.  A good exercise like this morning definitely does help that. I want to get there everyone morning before work and then a good swim in on Saturday.
Food went well.  I went over a lil but it was all healthy stuff ... aahhmm I think  lol

Well it's late and I have been lazy since I got home and now it's time for bed.  I will come back tomorrow and let you know how it goes :D
stand back, say a prayer an cheer me on.

4-6-13 12 of 100

Good morning all.  As much as I look at things from the outside and they seem hopeless some days, to many things these days, I am still hanging on.  I have been beat up in ways I can't even put into words.  If there is an award somewhere down the line for hanging on I better be in the running for it.  Yeah I'm keepin my humor as much as possible.  Even if my JOB says different.

I have had setbacks that have me bothered but I keep going.  I realized that one of the meds that I am taking is causing me to retain fluids.  I don't like that feeling so I am tempted to not take it.  Don't worry I am taking it ... the reason for the set back on the scale.  

Today I am starting my 24 day challenge.  I use to be one that would try anything that came along but I don't this is one of them.  I really stayed away from it for about a year now.  I had tried plenty of quick fixes and the results lasted about as long as it took to get them.  This is something that I think I am ready for an that my body needs.  I have read and asked lots of questions about it and I feel it's going to be beneficial for me.  So lets see what happens.  I am hoping this will help with that setback I have been having. 

On a different note, I have only gotten to the gym once this week.  Usually by this time on Saturday morning I would already be in the pool.  Today I am working a local 5k crazy run.  Crazy in that it is filled with obstacles like mud slides, climbing and crawling.  If you don't get muddy you didn't do it right they say.

I did photos at it last year and wanted to be down so that I could participate in it this year.  I am just not ready for that ... yet.  I am sure I will get in plenty of exercise of a different type.  Last year I didn't get to as much of the trail as I would have liked to but I am going to venture more this year.  Not just for the photos but for me.  

Good news is that I am going to sign up for not one but two 5ks over the next 6 weeks.  I had come across one that is May 18th and was getting my self pumped up for it.  I may only walk it but I will do it an finish it.  I seen that there is one in two weeks on the 20th of this month that I am probably going to do as well.  As some of you know it's something I have talked about since I started walking to lose weight.  It's time!!  I don't see myself as ever being a runner but some days I want to run.  I can't run.  I never could run.  But maybe jog a bit here an there.  

Since today is a busy day I need to get moving.  Stand back, say a prayer an cheer me on. 

4-3-13 11 of 100

Wow I can't believe that I have not written in two months.  Things have been crazy I have been up an down on the scale and with my emotions too.  I think I have been from one extreme to the other.  But I am not giving up.
I was doing good then got sick the first week of March and got back off track again. I spent the whole week, for the most part, on the couch feeling like I wanted someone to just run over me and put me out of my misery.  
The next week was spring break and I was on staycation.  I had planned on going to the gym EVERYday and keep get back ahead of things (that was plans before I got sick).  The most I got done was the day I painted on the kitchen.  A lot of climbing and stretching was good. :D  By Friday that week I did make it to the gym and got in about an hour or so of swimming.  The next few weeks only got in a Saturday swim.  But I did end up on a positive note.  This past Saturday I did get in a GOOD swim!!  I made it 2 miles.  That in itself was a record distance for me at one time.  It took me 2.5 hours to get it in but I did it.  I was close to going more, since I didn't have any place I HAD to be, but I stopped.  By the time I got done with my shower my arms were aching.  ACHING!!  I came home and sat down on the couch for a few minutes and I really didn't have the energy to raise my arms.  
The rest of the day was on the run.  Literally.  I had lunch with my daughter and then off for some shopping.  I am not the typically female that loves to shop but I got it done.  I let my daughter talk me into trying on a few things that I normally wouldn't wear.  I did come up with something a lil more dressy than I have been wearing but not as dressy as some of what she had me try on.  I'm just a lil tomboy still  lol
Then it was off to get things she needed to go with her dress.  So the rest of the day was ON THE RUN.  We went to way too many stores and with all the things I had to do I was gone til late.  I started my day at the gym at 8:00am and was not home till 7ish that night.  But I wasn't done yet.  While the kids went on a pizza run I cleaned up the living room.  I thought no more than I ate for the day and as much as I had done I would be good for a few slices of pizza.  
Sunday was a relaxed Easter Sunday, I even got in a short nap lol

So April is starting out better I played hookey from work and took a vacation day yesterday.  I got in a good swim.  A whole 1.25 miles lol.  Its actually about my average swim when I have time.  Next week I start a new work schedule and will be hitting the gym BEFORE work.  At FIVE am!!  I can get in about an hour each morning and that will get me back ahead of my schedule for my 100 miles for the year.  I am currently at 27.5 miles for the year.  Yeah me!!

Ok for now that kinda catches ya up on me.  Stand back, say a prayer and watch me go!!

2-25-13 10 of 100

ok so I fell off keeping you guys updated, but it's not because I am doing nothing to report it's just the opposite.

Some days I don't feel like I am getting anything done.  I feel like that lil mouse on a wheel running round an round an never getting any place.  This past week was a real struggle for me.  I only made it to the gym twice an when I did it wasn't pleasant.  I know I know is it really ever pleasant?  Oh wait twice to the gym and once with my trainer.
I know part of the reason that I felt the struggle was because I didn't get the workout like I NEED to so that I can keep on track.  As much as it pains me (hehe) the gym helps me work my body and clear my head at the same time.  When I said the two days at the gym wasn't pleasant, I mean that I just felt like I was standing still.  Friday and Sat I went to swim.  When I got there I was alone for a few minutes.  It was nice a peaceful.  The water was as still as it could be.  Within minutes of me making the first ripple in the pool I was not alone.  Saturday I actually got in one full lap before any of the other swimmers made it in there.  
Both days the still water was only a memory within seconds.  There have been more an more swimmers each time I try to get in the pool.  It make me second guess not going at 5am like I use to.  I don' mind swimming with others, it has gave me some new "friends" to chat with from time to time.  The one draw back is that the water becomes very choppy and harder to swim in.  Yes I know it's just a harder workout.  Yes I know they harder I work the better it is, what's your point :D
I really don't mind the choppy water all the much, as I said it does make for a better work out overall.  It was just that this week I felt like I wasn't moving.  I don't know if it was all the "junk" I had in my head trying to pull me down.  I don't know if it was the pain in my ankle that was reminding me that it was there to stay.  I don't know if it was the fact that I had not taken my meds like I needed to this week.  (yes I have an excuse for it but it's an excuse and you  know how I feel about that)  Was it just the old me trying to tell the new me that I needed to give up.  

STOP!!!!!!

I know it was a combination of all of those things.  I know that I need to be more consistent in all areas of my life.  My diet.  My exercise.  My sleep (which I am not getting tonight) and my Spiritual life.  It's all a balance not just one thing.  I have been "busy" but not.  Three of my five work week nights I have things other than the gym.  One of these are with my trainer but the other two fill up the other parts of my life.  I have not regrets of what I am doing these days.  It keeps me on track at the same time it's a struggle keeping on track.  I am working on a healthier me and it's a struggle.  I am not stopping.  

Saturday when I was swimming I couldn't think of much more than the physical pain in my body.  Not the pain that comes from exercise.  It was the pain in my ankle from the cyst that is still reminding me it's not going away.  It was the way that I felt like I could not get enough air in my lungs to keep swimming.  I hate having to stop when I get swimming.  I like to be able to go at least .25 mile before I take a few seconds to breath.  This is when I move my rocks that I count with.  Saturday was different.  I had gotten where I didn't do, what I call my lazy lap.  It's the funny back stroke thing I do to keep going and catch my breath at the same time.  I have been taking 15-17 minutes to get that quarter but this day I added almost 5 minutes to that.  I know I was moving but it didn't feel like it.  I did keep on track this week.  My goal is to get to the trainer each week.  Get to the gym 2-3 times a week.  Swim 2-2.5 miles, I got in two.  So as far as that part of my life is concerned I did make it.  

This week I think I had more of a spiritual struggle.  Anyone that knows me knows that I am not one to hit anyone over the head with my bible.  They know that I live for God and that is the first more important thing in my life to do.  I do from time to time make it a point to say things like what I am about to say here.  I do not apologize for anything that I say that may upset you, I let God take over there :D

I realize that part of my struggle has been spiritually.  Yesterday it hit me right between the eyes.  We live in a world that you can't go anywhere without hearing something negative.  I have been trying really hard to keep these thoughts under control.  I want my words to be positive as much as possible.  I know that at times I have to voice my thoughts about things that are bothering me, but I am trying to do it without being a whiner (is that a real word? eeh you know what I mean).  Every day I am faced with these people.  Every day I hear it at my job, on and off the phones.  I had managed to do something that would block out this stuff as much as possible.  I blocked it out trying to say that I was trying to be a more positive person.  I plugged my ear up with my "Christian music" and "it helped me thru the day".  I was using the excuse to be uncaring to the world around me by saying I am doing this to be more positive.  

In the pursuit to be more positive I shut out the world that needed to hear more than just the junk of life.  God wants me to pray for those around me but how can I do it if I am not talking to them or listening to what they say.  I was hearing the whinny people.  God hears the pain of why they are doing it.  I went to extremes (surprised aren't ya lol as if I have never done that before) and got lost.  I am adding this to my get on track needs to work on.

This week I am going for the long haul.  I am still working on getting that balance of a healthier me, I am not going to let one bad week, that really wasn't bad, get me down.  I am pushing forward and keeping my eyes on the prize.  I will finish this.  So stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.