Depression sucks. It sucks the life out of you. It kills you umph to keep going when you know you have things to do.
I know that this was going to be an every day thing this year. It was my goal. I did well for a while, then again I do pretty well starting out anything I do. The past month I lost my desire to do this. No not my desire I still want to keep going I just don't seem to be able to make myself. I want to keep doing this all on a steady basis but I keep falling down. I don't plan on giving up I am just having a hard to staying really really dedicated to it.
I haven't written much because I just don't know what to say. Some days I do ok with nutrition but most day I totally miss it on exercise. Exercise just doesn't seem to be there. This makes me want to cry. I don't want to go back where I was 5 months ago. I have back down 40 lbs now and I just don't want to have that extra weight with me. I was miserable in more ways than I am now. My clothes are starting to fit better again and I feel better than I did back then.
Two weeks ago my son got married. I am super happy about it for him. He married a beautiful young lady that makes him smile and makes him happy. I love to see my kids happy, it makes my heart smile. On the other side, the selfish side I want that too. I don't want to be alone.
I am happy, or happier than I use to be, about the way I am feeling and looking. I did photos for my son's wedding and for once I am not totally disgusted with how I look in them. My daughters wedding is just two months from today and I really really want to be down at least 25-30 but I know I need to find some way to kick my butt in gear and get busy. I don't know how or what I am going to do but I am praying that I can do that. So pray with me so that, not just for looking and feeling good, I can get this back on track for my health.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
4-9-14
Ok I AM going to get back on track. The contest is over. The first wedding is this weekend. And hopefully this stomach virus is gone it's way.
I am really thankful for all those that supported me during the contest. Even though people didn't really tell me I know there were some praying for me. I met some really super people who, instead of being the competition, I became my friends. Even more so they became my best support.
I did not win, I knew about mid way through that I was not going to be in the running for that. I was, and am, ok with that. I did not finish in the top five like I had wanted at one point. I have no one to blame for that other than myself. I got lazy the last few weeks and just couldn't kick myself in gear. The best thing about this, after getting new friends, is that I am getting back on track and feeling good again. And that is a winning place for me.
For anyone that has not seen the results here is how I did.
My total loss for the contest stats :
Starting weight: 351.6; Current weight: 325.4
-26.2 lbs; Percentage of weight lost: 7.45%
My total loss since Dec 30, the horrible day at the Dr office, is now at 40 lbs. Even bigger number since I started this journey three years ago I am now back down 79 lbs. I think about how close I was last time to hitting the 100 lb mark and I want to kick myself. I am kicking myself. But I am feeling so much better again, this time I WILL make it ... and more.
I have a new buddy, I guess you could say, going with me to the gym. Andrew, my future son in law, asked if I wanted to go in the mornings before work. He feels better when he does the workout in the morning and for that matter so do I. I actually miss my morning workouts. I miss the 5:30 swims that got me going. So when he asked I was more than ready to take him up on that offer. The kicker is that to get in a decent workout, and make it worth getting up early for, I have to be there at 4:30.
Ok I know you are now thinking that's to early. I guess for some it is, but it's only an hour earlier than I use to get up to be at the pool. I get my stuff ready the night before so I don't have much to do when I wake up. I make my protein shake, get dressed and I'm out the door. I can usually get that done in thirty minutes or less.
Afton, my daughter, has also decided she wants to go with us. She's not always as quick to get up so I have to wait for her. I'm ok with that ... this week. Next week when I start back to work things may have to change :D. Who am I kidding next week will change. I will have to go to work after the gym. This is going to be a good test to see how long I can last. I am thinking my lunch time may end up with me napping in the car lol. But I will get that workout in :D
Since the contest is over I have given myself a break. I have been eating what I want. Not that I am stopping this journey nor am I stuffing myself with all kinds of "bad" stuff, I am just giving myself a break. The things that I crave from time to time I am letting myself eat. The funny thing about it, when I eat these things my body doesn't like it the way it use to.
I had some Reeses yesterday. I love those things even though I don't really eat sweets. It tasted really good. I savored every bit of the taste as the chocolate and peanut butter melted in my mouth. But then my said aahhmm yuck and I started feeling sick. Breakfast yesterday morning was chicken fried steak and eggs. It too tasted good but the grease from it left me feeling nauseated.
My body doesn't like that stuff any more. It's ok, I will eat something like that from time to time but I now have the "feeling" that I will get sick if I do. This leaves me with that extra punch that tells me I don't want to eat this. So eating "bad" can be a good thing at times. No I am not encouraging this for anyone, I am saying this is how it worked for me. Each person has a different trigger. Mine just happens to be eating something that made me feel sick so that I don't want it like I thought I did. It's one way that I have learned to listen to my body. I have taken that stuff out of my nutrition for so long it doesn't react well with my body when I do eat it.
One big thing that I have learned on the journey, not that I listen to it all the time, but is to listen to my body. If I am in the gym or the kitchen my body sends me signals. When I am working out I know that I have issues with different parts of my body. My knee, my ankle and at one time my right arm. From these issues I have learned how to listen to my body and try to make myself adjust to what they are telling me.
Right now I know my knee needs attention. I know that it's a matter of time before I will have to see the Dr about it again. I know that it causes me pain at times. At the same time I know that a good workout in general can bring pain too. I am ok with the workout pain but I have a hard time, at times, listening to my knee pain. I know that it "slips" and some times "pops" and I know this is my body telling me to adjust or stop what I am doing. This is the type of thing that is important to learn what your body is telling you. And always, if it doesn't go away, talk to your Dr about it. I know I don't always listen to my body but I do know how to and I do talk with my Dr about it on a regular basis.
Today I am feeling really good about getting back on track. I am getting workouts in everyday and then starting next week I am going to buckle back down with my nutrition. I can't do that before the wedding is over. I want cake :D lol. I did good to pass up cake at the showers but this is different. The contest is over and my son will only get married once so I am going to enjoy it.
I am really thankful for all those that supported me during the contest. Even though people didn't really tell me I know there were some praying for me. I met some really super people who, instead of being the competition, I became my friends. Even more so they became my best support.
I did not win, I knew about mid way through that I was not going to be in the running for that. I was, and am, ok with that. I did not finish in the top five like I had wanted at one point. I have no one to blame for that other than myself. I got lazy the last few weeks and just couldn't kick myself in gear. The best thing about this, after getting new friends, is that I am getting back on track and feeling good again. And that is a winning place for me.
For anyone that has not seen the results here is how I did.
My total loss for the contest stats :
Starting weight: 351.6; Current weight: 325.4
-26.2 lbs; Percentage of weight lost: 7.45%
My total loss since Dec 30, the horrible day at the Dr office, is now at 40 lbs. Even bigger number since I started this journey three years ago I am now back down 79 lbs. I think about how close I was last time to hitting the 100 lb mark and I want to kick myself. I am kicking myself. But I am feeling so much better again, this time I WILL make it ... and more.
I have a new buddy, I guess you could say, going with me to the gym. Andrew, my future son in law, asked if I wanted to go in the mornings before work. He feels better when he does the workout in the morning and for that matter so do I. I actually miss my morning workouts. I miss the 5:30 swims that got me going. So when he asked I was more than ready to take him up on that offer. The kicker is that to get in a decent workout, and make it worth getting up early for, I have to be there at 4:30.
Ok I know you are now thinking that's to early. I guess for some it is, but it's only an hour earlier than I use to get up to be at the pool. I get my stuff ready the night before so I don't have much to do when I wake up. I make my protein shake, get dressed and I'm out the door. I can usually get that done in thirty minutes or less.
Afton, my daughter, has also decided she wants to go with us. She's not always as quick to get up so I have to wait for her. I'm ok with that ... this week. Next week when I start back to work things may have to change :D. Who am I kidding next week will change. I will have to go to work after the gym. This is going to be a good test to see how long I can last. I am thinking my lunch time may end up with me napping in the car lol. But I will get that workout in :D
Since the contest is over I have given myself a break. I have been eating what I want. Not that I am stopping this journey nor am I stuffing myself with all kinds of "bad" stuff, I am just giving myself a break. The things that I crave from time to time I am letting myself eat. The funny thing about it, when I eat these things my body doesn't like it the way it use to.
I had some Reeses yesterday. I love those things even though I don't really eat sweets. It tasted really good. I savored every bit of the taste as the chocolate and peanut butter melted in my mouth. But then my said aahhmm yuck and I started feeling sick. Breakfast yesterday morning was chicken fried steak and eggs. It too tasted good but the grease from it left me feeling nauseated.
My body doesn't like that stuff any more. It's ok, I will eat something like that from time to time but I now have the "feeling" that I will get sick if I do. This leaves me with that extra punch that tells me I don't want to eat this. So eating "bad" can be a good thing at times. No I am not encouraging this for anyone, I am saying this is how it worked for me. Each person has a different trigger. Mine just happens to be eating something that made me feel sick so that I don't want it like I thought I did. It's one way that I have learned to listen to my body. I have taken that stuff out of my nutrition for so long it doesn't react well with my body when I do eat it.
One big thing that I have learned on the journey, not that I listen to it all the time, but is to listen to my body. If I am in the gym or the kitchen my body sends me signals. When I am working out I know that I have issues with different parts of my body. My knee, my ankle and at one time my right arm. From these issues I have learned how to listen to my body and try to make myself adjust to what they are telling me.
Right now I know my knee needs attention. I know that it's a matter of time before I will have to see the Dr about it again. I know that it causes me pain at times. At the same time I know that a good workout in general can bring pain too. I am ok with the workout pain but I have a hard time, at times, listening to my knee pain. I know that it "slips" and some times "pops" and I know this is my body telling me to adjust or stop what I am doing. This is the type of thing that is important to learn what your body is telling you. And always, if it doesn't go away, talk to your Dr about it. I know I don't always listen to my body but I do know how to and I do talk with my Dr about it on a regular basis.
Today I am feeling really good about getting back on track. I am getting workouts in everyday and then starting next week I am going to buckle back down with my nutrition. I can't do that before the wedding is over. I want cake :D lol. I did good to pass up cake at the showers but this is different. The contest is over and my son will only get married once so I am going to enjoy it.
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