5-10-14

Today may be short and sweet.  I am just trying desperately to get my rhythm back.  I had managed to get back on track in January when I started the weight loss contest.  I was being held accountable in ways that I needed something extra like this to keep my thoughts straight.  Then again this, when I can make myself, helps me get my thoughts out.  Some days I keep thinking I've had a rough day or that I made a lot of wrong choices and I start to write about it and I sometimes find it wasn't as bad as I thought.  I need that day.

 These days I know I have plenty going on that are good but I seem to keep focusing on the things that are bothering me.  Here lately I seem to cry a lot, sometimes I really not sure why.  I have to stop and get my thoughts together, refocus them.

Last week I made the decision to delete my Facebook.  I realized some of the things that were bringing me down was because of the drama that I was seeing on there.  I was spending time on there that I could be doing something more productive.  In some ways it's weird to watch everyone around me reading FB and updating status and I start to pick up my phone ... oh wait I don't have it.  Thing is a week later now and I don't miss it.  I have to laugh when someone asks "did you see that post that ... "  ah no!!

So the past few Saturdays, after reading Pinterest, I decided I would finally work on changing a few things in my bathroom that I had been wanting to do.  It's not anything fancy but it a few changes I wanted to spruce it up.  It's put a new life and made me feel good about getting something done.  It's only the start of many changes I want to get done.

With both kids gone or almost gone from living here I have plans to change the whole house before I am done.  Instead of walking through the house and seeing where they use to do something or walk past the empty room, I am focusing on what I want to make the rooms.  At some point I will have a workout room and a studio for my graphics and photo work.  And yes at some point my room.

The past few days I have not really done a workout as some would put it, but I did house work and I did get a good sweat going today lol.  Who said you need a gym to get a workout in.  It keeps my mind off what I don't have and gets me moving and look ahead.  After all isn't that where I am going?

So anyone out there battling depression do what ever you can to shake it off.  Find a project of any kind to keep you mind off what is getting you down.  We ALL have something, that if we focus on it, can kick you in the butt.  I know it's not always easy but find that drive and try to keep going.

5-9-14 Not going to stay away

So my last post I kinda mentioned that I was getting hit with my depression.  Ok a lil more than kinda.  It's been hard.  I have so much going on that sometimes it just overwhelms me.  I am not going down without a fight, I just needed to find that fight again.

After the contest was over I had decided that I would take off a week.  This has been a pretty long week ... it's actually been a month.  I have not been just going completely crazy the whole time.  I just have not been dedicating myself to my goal like I want to, need to.

The week after the contest was my son's wedding and I had decided that since I was "good" through all the showers and stuff that I could have pigged out I was going to do what I wanted now.  I didn't just pig out for all that time but when it came to the cake I did make a pig of myself.  I had a super big piece with A LOT of icing.  I loved every bite of it.  They cooked out after and yes I had hot dog, smoked sausage and hamburger.  While eating it I laughed and say it was my one day to be a total pig about it and on Monday I'd get strict again.  

On the way home I was miserable.  I had not ate sugar like that in forever.  I love a good cake with some butter cream icing but had opted not to have it at the showers we had for the kids.  But this was a sugar overload like my body had not had in a really long time.  Regrets?  No I don't.  I have not pigged out like that since but I did not get strict like I wanted to.

So as I mentioned my plan after the contest was to take it easy for a week and kick it back up.  I wanted to lose another 25-30 lbs by the time my daughter gets married.  Here I am a month later and still have not gotten strict like I wanted to.  The wedding is only 7 weeks from today and I have only stepped on the scale once since the contest.  When I did step on the scale I was up 8 lbs.  I was ok with that since my muscle weight was up too.  That was a good thing.

This week got my motivation going again.  At work I had volunteered for a special project.  Can anyone guess what that is?  Better health.  I had put my name in for it before the contest and forgot about it till I got the email telling me I had been chosen for the committee.  

The health issues are not just limited to weight but it seemed that is where everyone kept going.  It seemed that was the one area that they could come up with things that would good to motivate.  One of the ideas is to do a biggest loser contest.  So here I am talking about all the things that I know work and one of the other ladies said "I'm getting motivated just thinking about it."  I sat there thinking I need to get back on this thing and do better.  

That day had been really stressful and I just really was low on motivation so not much came of it.  On lunch I had things I needed to do and it took up enough of my lunch hour that I didn't do anything else.  Wednesday and Thursday was different.  It was almost like the day I started this three years ago.  I went downstairs to the lobby not really planning on walking but ended up going out side and making two laps around the site, that is a mile.  I was pretty happy with myself.  

I can't say that I ate "the right foods" but I did great on proportion sizes of what I did eat that day.  Not trying to make excuses but it's a start.  I am making myself aware of what I am doing.  For the last 4 weeks I have not really done this.  

Yesterday I went outside with the intention of walking and I did.  My lunch I made two laps before I got to hot.  It was my goal so I was ok with it.  On my late break I did half a lap around the front part of the building.  I could say I stopped because it was hot but my feet hurt.  That had been the excuse I had used for the past few weeks.  The did hurt but I found the determination to at least try.  Once I got started I kept pushing myself to keep going.

I have not gotten back in the gym yet but at the same time when I first started I wasn't going to the gym then either.  I am back to doing something daily and that has been my goal.  I don't know if the scale will show what I want it to, but right now I am feeling better and that is good enough for me.  Oh did I mention?  My clothes have started growing again lol