Some days I don't feel like I am getting anything done. I feel like that lil mouse on a wheel running round an round an never getting any place. This past week was a real struggle for me. I only made it to the gym twice an when I did it wasn't pleasant. I know I know is it really ever pleasant? Oh wait twice to the gym and once with my trainer.
I know part of the reason that I felt the struggle was because I didn't get the workout like I NEED to so that I can keep on track. As much as it pains me (hehe) the gym helps me work my body and clear my head at the same time. When I said the two days at the gym wasn't pleasant, I mean that I just felt like I was standing still. Friday and Sat I went to swim. When I got there I was alone for a few minutes. It was nice a peaceful. The water was as still as it could be. Within minutes of me making the first ripple in the pool I was not alone. Saturday I actually got in one full lap before any of the other swimmers made it in there.
Both days the still water was only a memory within seconds. There have been more an more swimmers each time I try to get in the pool. It make me second guess not going at 5am like I use to. I don' mind swimming with others, it has gave me some new "friends" to chat with from time to time. The one draw back is that the water becomes very choppy and harder to swim in. Yes I know it's just a harder workout. Yes I know they harder I work the better it is, what's your point :D
I really don't mind the choppy water all the much, as I said it does make for a better work out overall. It was just that this week I felt like I wasn't moving. I don't know if it was all the "junk" I had in my head trying to pull me down. I don't know if it was the pain in my ankle that was reminding me that it was there to stay. I don't know if it was the fact that I had not taken my meds like I needed to this week. (yes I have an excuse for it but it's an excuse and you know how I feel about that) Was it just the old me trying to tell the new me that I needed to give up.
STOP!!!!!!
I know it was a combination of all of those things. I know that I need to be more consistent in all areas of my life. My diet. My exercise. My sleep (which I am not getting tonight) and my Spiritual life. It's all a balance not just one thing. I have been "busy" but not. Three of my five work week nights I have things other than the gym. One of these are with my trainer but the other two fill up the other parts of my life. I have not regrets of what I am doing these days. It keeps me on track at the same time it's a struggle keeping on track. I am working on a healthier me and it's a struggle. I am not stopping.
Saturday when I was swimming I couldn't think of much more than the physical pain in my body. Not the pain that comes from exercise. It was the pain in my ankle from the cyst that is still reminding me it's not going away. It was the way that I felt like I could not get enough air in my lungs to keep swimming. I hate having to stop when I get swimming. I like to be able to go at least .25 mile before I take a few seconds to breath. This is when I move my rocks that I count with. Saturday was different. I had gotten where I didn't do, what I call my lazy lap. It's the funny back stroke thing I do to keep going and catch my breath at the same time. I have been taking 15-17 minutes to get that quarter but this day I added almost 5 minutes to that. I know I was moving but it didn't feel like it. I did keep on track this week. My goal is to get to the trainer each week. Get to the gym 2-3 times a week. Swim 2-2.5 miles, I got in two. So as far as that part of my life is concerned I did make it.
This week I think I had more of a spiritual struggle. Anyone that knows me knows that I am not one to hit anyone over the head with my bible. They know that I live for God and that is the first more important thing in my life to do. I do from time to time make it a point to say things like what I am about to say here. I do not apologize for anything that I say that may upset you, I let God take over there :D
I realize that part of my struggle has been spiritually. Yesterday it hit me right between the eyes. We live in a world that you can't go anywhere without hearing something negative. I have been trying really hard to keep these thoughts under control. I want my words to be positive as much as possible. I know that at times I have to voice my thoughts about things that are bothering me, but I am trying to do it without being a whiner (is that a real word? eeh you know what I mean). Every day I am faced with these people. Every day I hear it at my job, on and off the phones. I had managed to do something that would block out this stuff as much as possible. I blocked it out trying to say that I was trying to be a more positive person. I plugged my ear up with my "Christian music" and "it helped me thru the day". I was using the excuse to be uncaring to the world around me by saying I am doing this to be more positive.
In the pursuit to be more positive I shut out the world that needed to hear more than just the junk of life. God wants me to pray for those around me but how can I do it if I am not talking to them or listening to what they say. I was hearing the whinny people. God hears the pain of why they are doing it. I went to extremes (surprised aren't ya lol as if I have never done that before) and got lost. I am adding this to my get on track needs to work on.
This week I am going for the long haul. I am still working on getting that balance of a healthier me, I am not going to let one bad week, that really wasn't bad, get me down. I am pushing forward and keeping my eyes on the prize. I will finish this. So stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.
