May 23 ...18 of 100

The day started out at 4:15 am.  I had planned being in bed by this time but here it is 11:15 pm and still wide awake.  I had the sleepy feeling earlier this evening but it was too early for bed and I had plenty to do.  Now that feeling has past and I can't sleep.  Maybe I could if I let my brain stop but I keep thinking  

I had an overall good day ... well till dinner I did pretty good.  I have not counted those calories yet but I think it may have put me over my daily bank.

I was out of the house and in the pool by 5:45 and swam for an hour.  It felt good to be in the water.  I really didn't want to go to work.  Eeehh I never want to do that  lol.  I was more alert and felt better.  

After my swim had time to stop for a breakfast burrito before.  Lunch went to Subway and got a footlong ham n cheese on wheat.  I had half for lunch and then half for an after snack.  I think I have the ulcer coming back again so I have to make myself eat every few hours or I get that wonderful stomach pain.

For dinner the kids wanted to head to a pizza place.  Not to mention it was later than I normally I CAVED!!  I ordered a calzone and only had half it.  I say that like it makes it better but that was way more carbs I needed for the day.  Overall the day was pretty good.

So stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.

May 22 2013 day 17 of 100

Here we go again.  I have lost count of how many times I have got off track.  When I stop and think about it my heart gets heavy and I want to give up.  At the same time I DON'T want to go back to where I was.  I CAN'T go back there.  So I just keep going.  I get up and I fall.  But isn't it that way with everyone?  Isn't that how we find where we are?  IF we never failed at anything how would we know that we are succeeding?  Would we know?  Would we feel that good feeling you get when you hit that mark you are looking for?  What is that mark for you?  What is my goal?  

As many know that may follow this I have been on this journey for two years now.  I set out for the BIG goal to lose down to be under 200 lbs.  I have not been that low on the scale since before I had kids, twenty plus years actually.  I have been at weights that I was more comfortable with myself but not under 200.

January 2011 I set out to lose 100 lbs by my birthday in Sept.  That didn't happen.  I reset that goal and reset that goal.  I have yet to hit that 100 lbs mark.  I got close 92 lbs and I am happy about that.  But then I keep losing it, no not the weight but the drive to keep going.  I keep looking at that halfway point and getting distracted at my daily goals.  I look at people that I have come to know on this journey and see their success and feel like I am missing it.  Feel like?  no I AM missing it.  I get discouraged at my choices some days.  I have been lazy.  I could sugar coat that thought and make excuse but fact still remains that I have gotten lazy.  Lazy ... L.A.Z.Y. 

I could blame my lazy choices on my depression and it does affect me but that would be an excuse.  I know that when I get out and work out and make healthy choices thru the day I don't feel that depression.

I could blame in on lack of money.  REALLY???  Somedays I say I don't eat healthier because I don't have the money to buy that stuff.  Who am I kidding?  A time or two here and there that is true but then I get in the habit on that being an excuse.  

FOCUS on the positive!!!!  I lose focus, do you??  I could blame that on the ADD, like so many do but that is an excuse.  FOCUS!!  What do I focus on?  Apparently the BIG goal is getting my off track.  I look at it an it seems so far away.  Like I will never make it there.  I need to adjust my focus.  I know someday I am going to make it.  I know someday I am going to be in Heaven.  I know someday ....  I need to learn how to focus on the day to day steps.  The big goal is the "end" prize and yes I want that in many areas of my life but I have to work to get there.  I have to take it one step at a time.   As I write this I am torn inside.  I want to make the right choices but I seem to keep looking at the end goal not where I am now.

I CAN do this!!  Today WILL be another new start.  If I fall down tomorrow I will start again so stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.  I need all the help I can get.

5-14-13 16 of 100

One of the days I hope to get it all together.  One of these day I hope that I can live a happy free life.  A life free of food addiction.  A life where I don't have to take meds for depression.  A life where I can just be happy to be alive. I know that not all of these can be.  I know that I will have to deal with them for the rest of my life.  Lets face I am pushing 50, if I was going to "get it all together" I would have done so by now.  God has me here, where I am, for a reason and I accept that.  Even at my age I am still learning to deal with all this.  I will never "get there".

I have not been writing cuz I don't feel like I have anything to say that would motivate anyone.  I didn't feel like I had anything to say that anyone wants to hear.  I know that I started this to keep me on track and hopefully motivate someone along the way.  I just don't feel like I have been doing that. 

Now that I have my confession out what have I been doing?  I have been bouncing back and forth with exercise and nutrition.  It seems if I get going on my nutrition I miss it with exercise and vise a versa.  I told someone today, jokingly, that I need someone to keep me on track.  Even though I said it as a joke I probably do need someone to keep me accountable.  It is tooooo easy for me to find an excuse not to do the right things.  I love motivating people and helping them but some days I need it too.  Everyone needs someone to motivate them, me included. 

I was on a roll with the gym till last week.  Somehow I hurt my arm and there is pain that I don't know what to do with it.  I had hoped that it would be better by now by not using it to much.  Tomorrow I am going to attempt the gym.  I NEED my swim.  I just don't feel the same when I don't get some type of exercise.  REAL exercise not just the lil things I do for the extra stuff.  I still park towards the back of the parking lot at work.  I take the stairs .... going down all the time but been lazy about it going up.

Tomorrow ... no today I will get in some kind of exercise, even if its just walking on my lunch.  I NEED to regain control of the road I have been walking the past two years.  It was not for nothing.  It is for my life.  A healthier life that I deeply desire.  We all do.  

If you do not have an accountability partner look for one.  If you need give me a call, even if you don't live close, we can call and talk or text or whatever you need to keep on track. I'm ready for this are you?  

Stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.  WE CAN do this!!!