Friday 12-28

Ok it's been almost a month since I wrote anything here and missed it again.  I'm not saying I "messed up" cuz I don't like that term.  Things in life got in my way and I hit a wall and I am doing my best to get back on track AGAIN.  

I know that I have mentioned this in the past, at least briefly, but this ugly area of my life popped up again.  As much as I have tried to fight against this I hit a wall.  Depression.  It's not fun.  It's not always something that a person can control. It can take you away from life.  It is NOT something to be ashamed of, but I understand how you can feel that way.  If this is something that you deal with I highly suggest that you seek help for it.  It can be a mean thing to your life.  I do take meds and see a counselor for it.  

Even as I sit an write these words there is a part of me that feel shame.  I know it's not something that is a valid feeling.  I hear the words " don't write that it's not going to encourage anyone" in my head. (no I'm not hear "voices") but I  have to get it out.  If I get it out maybe I can move on again.

I have tried to keep my head up and tried to keep on track with my journey.  I started out the month really well, I kept on track with my squats challenge.  I challenged myself to show others that I could do this.  I guess in my mind I felt like I had to put myself out there for others.  I had to keep myself going to show others "if this fat lady could do it anyone could".  In some ways it did keep me going but after time it ate at me.  I felt like if I didn't keep going I would be letting people down.  I don't know why I put this kind of pressure on myself but I did.  Anyone else feel like this?

I have had blow after blow this month and I feel drained.  My biggest goal this part few weeks?  To make myself get outta bed and get dressed as if I had some place to go, even if I didn't.  A few weeks ago when I "hit the wall" I didn't leave the house for almost a week.  I had my kids run things for me, more or less.  Then I tried to make myself, after dressing for no reason, to at least leave the house even if it was just to go to the corner store for a bottle of water or something.

Today I wake up and my heart feels heavy.  I feel like I want to cry but I am so tired of crying all the time.  I want to get out an workout, cuz I know it would make me feel better but I can't seem to get motivated.  I could make a list of the things that are getting to me but it would do no good.  They are going to still be there and I  have to learn how to deal with them.  I am going to get back on track, it's just taking me some time to get to the tracks.  

I wish I could say that I am doing on ok with my eating choices but I can't.  For the first time that I can remember, and maybe just cuz I am more aware of it now, that I am being an emotional eater. I can't get myself outta the funk and I let myself "get bored" and the food is there so I eat.  I wish I could make myself get out an walk.  I guess I need to have someone MAKE me get out each day.  I tell myself that since I am getting up and at least going out of the house  I am doing ok, but I want more.  I believe that I can do this and I will get back today is just start out not so good.  So say an prayer an cheer me on.  

Tue 12-4-12

Ok so in some ways I had a pretty rough weekend.  Yesterday worked a 12hr day.  Today ... well here I am.
I am doing pretty ok with things all in all.  Even with the personal junk that was going on with me over the weekend I didn't go out an over draw my food bank.  If anything I may have done some damage by not eating enough.  Oh an not sleeping well.  

I have kept up some form of exercise every day, at least walking ... aahhmm pretty much every day ?  lol  Ok so today I didn't walk.  And Saturday I didn't really go for walk but I did house cleaning and I did walk around Wal-Mart for at least 30 minutes Saturday night.  that's gotta count for something :D
Sunday .. ahhmm nope nuttin there.  Church, lunch and then came home to watch football.  

Yesterday I did get my 30+ minutes of walking in a work.  Today lunch held a run to Sams which cut into my walk time.  However on Saturday I did start the Holiday Squat-a-thon!!

So far I am still on track.  I can't say that it's my favorite thing to do.  The first day I'm thinking " I got this, no biggie".  The 2nd ok it's a lil more burn that I wanted but I need, I can do this.  This morning I decided I was going to do this before work .. at FIVE AM!!  The first 20 not so bad, but the last 5 I wanted to cry.  Did I give up? nope, nada, never.  I may have been in a crazy goofy mood when I said I would do this challenge but I will not give up ... but I am looking forward to days 10 and 27 I think they are going to be my favorite lol

So its been a month now since I kicked the caffeine and I feel good about it.  I don't have the withdraws like you would think.  I am not super tired all day.  The biggest thing for me is remember to check for caffeine.  oopss I can't say I am totally without caffeine.  I was baking cakes and my son requested chocolate.  Of course you know I had to have some ():D  But as for drinking it like I use toooooo at least 1-2 Monsters a day ... it's been a MONTH!!  yea me!!

I have managed to get more fiber foods in than I had been in prior months.  It's really done my body good, even though I still feel a bit sluggish at times, nope not a caffeine withdraw kind of sluggish, I am starting to feel better over all.

Now I want to try and get ride of carbs.  (my guilty please) This is going to be the real challenge and I am putting it off till Jan.  Not because I can't do it, but hey ... it's the holiday season.  I don't want to set myself up for failure.  I am monitoring my food and not overdoing anything.  With the increase in fibers it helps to not want the sugary foods too.  I want to keep this up for the month and hit it hard in Jan.  
So stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on ... or join me too :D