blah!!!! yesterday was just a day of blah!!! I really don't like the way I feel in my body right now. I know a big part of it would be I have not getting in the type of exercise that I need to be. I do get in swimming 2-3 times a week right now. I need to get back to the weight room. I need to do more that will flatten that tummy and make me feel better. I have lost weight but I just don't like the way I feel.
Yesterday was a bust in some ways. I know I am probably being harder on myself than I need to be. I never even logged my calories. I really didn't want to know if I was on track because I was beating myself up. I didn't A LOT but I didn't make the best choices of what I did eat. I have been trying to STOP whites and sugars and the days are hit an miss with that.
Feeling fat and frumpy yesterday didn't feel like anything I was wearing so on my lunch I thought "I'll go buy something to make me feel better". I did get a few shirts that are comfortable but I realize nothing is going to make me feel better about my body but bumping up my workout times.
Today was suppose to be different. I was going to get up and hit the gym bright and early. Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep so that didn't happen. Days/ nights like that really doesn't do what it needs to when I am just fighting staying awake.
Stay tuned to see what the day holds for me. I am going to try and get a workout in. If not at least stay on a healthy note with my food choices.
Stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
June 10, 2013 day 22 of 100
The quiet house is talking to me. I didn't have that bad a day really, just ending on one of those notes that I don't like.
Last night was a late night so no gym this morning. I was so tired, sleepy feeling all day. I have to get to bed earlier tonight. If I don't get enough sleep my body can't burn off the calories I am giving it. Or so they tell me. I just know if I go without enough sleep for to many days in a row I am not the person you want to be around.
Tonight I came home to the empty house. I don't really watch TV anymore. And as you know by now my feelings about cooking for one. I did good on my calories and I didn't blow it tonight as bad as I hear the food calling my name. No I promise I am not hearing the voices lol
Sometimes the quiet is nice. I lay here, I know I should go for a walk ... it aint gonna happen, and I hear the cars going by. The fan spinning. And my stomach saying FEED ME!!
The depression is getting me today. That part of my wants to run and eat anything I can get my hands on. I just want to do something but I can't even seem to get myself to do that.
I did make myself eat a bowl of peas. I have kept within my calorie range for the day. I think I should stop looking at recipes on Pintrest, it's only helping the hungry monster that I am trying to ignore.
I should probably call it an early evening. I need my rest, not just for health reason, because I have a big photoshoot that I am a bit nervous about. I know my photos are good, but I also know that not everyone likes them. This one is going to be in print as advertising. That's what I have wanted. That's what I went to school for. So it's time to step and ... aaahh but the what if's pop in my head.
I think I just need to go to bed.
Say a prayer and stop in an cheer me on. I need all the help I can get right now.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
June 8 2013 blog 21 of 100
I wish I could have at least 2-3 good days in a row. Bad days? Wow they can go for weeeeks. Why not the good day. Not much to say other than I totally blew my whole day. Alarm went off at 7am so I could have had plenty of time to be at the pool by 8. That didn't happen.
This started off a chain reaction of bad choices for the rest of the day.
I woke up hungry because, if you remember, I went to bed hungry and water sloshed last night. Breakfast consisted of the rest of the pork chops and broccoli from last nights dinner. I know not to bad right? Just wait.
I spent the next few hours trying to finish up the video I was working on. This only got me frustrated when I got all the clips I wanted and didn't save. I usually do this every few steps why I didn't today I have no idea. Long story short had a mishap that lost the last hour of work and I had to start over. Still laying on the couch because I just didn't feel like doing anything else, I started over again.
The only thing that did get me to move much was going to the ranch to take pictures for their website. Aahh but before I could leave the house I had something that upset me. As I drove off, hungry, I began to cry.
Arguing with myself about getting something to eat and to stop crying in the next, and worst, choice I made today. Whataburger!! A bacon cheeseburger meal that left me a whopping calorie count of 800!! one meal. I really didn't even enjoy like I thought I would. I was still fighting back tears.
Just before I got to the road that leads to the ranch was the graveyard that my parents are buried in. This of course makes me cry cuz I have really been missing my mom. Two years gone by now and some days it seems like it was yesterday when I got the call.
At the ranch was pretty much the only exercise I got today. Don't get too excited for me. All I did was walk around the stalls and the first riding area and took some pictures of the horses. The riders were not there. My bad they are not going to be there till tomorrow. I will not. I will be two hours away at on of my "kids" graduations. My daughters best friend since kindergarten will be walking the stage tomorrow. She is like my own.
I come home and where did I go? Back to my comfy corner I call (and a few of my friends) my world. I was laying here laptop in hand going to work on the video once again and............ fell back asleep. Actually I think I cried myself to sleep.
The day is pretty much wasted. I only halfway completed anything I set out to do. The video is ready for the music but now, to add to my frustration, I can not get the music. I am pretty sure I am going to call it a night and try again tomorrow
Stand back, say a PRAYER and cheer me on. I need all the help I can get.
This started off a chain reaction of bad choices for the rest of the day.
I woke up hungry because, if you remember, I went to bed hungry and water sloshed last night. Breakfast consisted of the rest of the pork chops and broccoli from last nights dinner. I know not to bad right? Just wait.
I spent the next few hours trying to finish up the video I was working on. This only got me frustrated when I got all the clips I wanted and didn't save. I usually do this every few steps why I didn't today I have no idea. Long story short had a mishap that lost the last hour of work and I had to start over. Still laying on the couch because I just didn't feel like doing anything else, I started over again.
The only thing that did get me to move much was going to the ranch to take pictures for their website. Aahh but before I could leave the house I had something that upset me. As I drove off, hungry, I began to cry.
Arguing with myself about getting something to eat and to stop crying in the next, and worst, choice I made today. Whataburger!! A bacon cheeseburger meal that left me a whopping calorie count of 800!! one meal. I really didn't even enjoy like I thought I would. I was still fighting back tears.
Just before I got to the road that leads to the ranch was the graveyard that my parents are buried in. This of course makes me cry cuz I have really been missing my mom. Two years gone by now and some days it seems like it was yesterday when I got the call.
At the ranch was pretty much the only exercise I got today. Don't get too excited for me. All I did was walk around the stalls and the first riding area and took some pictures of the horses. The riders were not there. My bad they are not going to be there till tomorrow. I will not. I will be two hours away at on of my "kids" graduations. My daughters best friend since kindergarten will be walking the stage tomorrow. She is like my own.
I come home and where did I go? Back to my comfy corner I call (and a few of my friends) my world. I was laying here laptop in hand going to work on the video once again and............ fell back asleep. Actually I think I cried myself to sleep.
The day is pretty much wasted. I only halfway completed anything I set out to do. The video is ready for the music but now, to add to my frustration, I can not get the music. I am pretty sure I am going to call it a night and try again tomorrow
Stand back, say a PRAYER and cheer me on. I need all the help I can get.
Friday, June 7, 2013
June 6 2013 20 of 100
4:30 am I hear birds chirping. What in the world? They are getting louder. Ahh it's my wonderful alarm. That snooze button is just too inviting. I must hit it at least once and only once. uugghhh I'm awake. Then again isn't that what I wanted when I set it for that time. Who knew there was a 4pm AND 4 am?? I do .... these days.
5:30 am. I walk into the pool room. It's nice a quite. The water is still. The only light there is comes from the glow of the ones in the lobby that's just out the door and up stairs. It's my time.
I walk to the shallow end and lay down my rocks. I love my rocks, they help me keep count when I am swimming and they don't wash away like marbles.
I walk to the ladder and step down. That is when I see them. The first small ripples of the day. Still no one around I push thru the water to my lane. I stand there for a minute and just breath it in. Not the the smell of the chlorine that you would think of but the clean smell that I get in the pool. The water is clear enough to see thru. It's peaceful, something you don't think about when you think about the gym. Or working out.
I stand at the end of my lane for just a few seconds and stretch. I take a deep breath and I lower myself down to where I am face level with the water and begin to stroke. The stillness starts to leave as the ripples of the water grow faster and harder as I reach the other end of the pool. It's my time. Still no one around to disturb the quiet.
As I reach the end to make my first turn the ripples have become large enough that the splash back in my face. I don't care. I am moving. For the first time in my life I feel good about swimming like this. I am doing it.
My mind runs thru all kinds of thoughts as I swim. The kids and what to do about where we are in our lives now. The day ahead at work and what it may bring. I try to think about anything but what I am doing. Today felt like a struggle to pull myself thru the water but I was going to keep going. I needed to think about anything. Pray about the day. I had to keep moving. Don't stop keep going. Don't stop keep going.
Before I knew it it was 5:55 and the first person was there to join me in the pool. It was nice having it to myself but now the real struggle began. My waves I could control but someone else ... well that can make it hard some days.
My mind begins to compare how life can be like the water splashing at me. How this two year journey has been. I get going along and doing well and then add someone/something and that when it gets hard. Especially when they are moving against you. This was the struggle today as it is with many days.
I am not the fastest swimming out there. I have to remind myself to take it one stroke at a time and not think about the others. The other guy isn't one of the best swimmers I see there but he technic doing cause a big splash. (not near as bad as dolphin boy, read prior blogs for that one) Of course this makes bigger waves too. But I was not going to let this get in my way. I can't give up when the swimming gets hard. I can't give up when this journey gets hard and I can't give up when life gets hard. You just keep going.
The other swimmer didn't stay long and I had a hard time making myself stay. I find myself many days arguing with myself about how far, how long I am going to swim. If I am going to keep the goal I set for myself for the day.
My usual goal when I swim like this before work is 3/4 of a mile and today was not different. Still I did my usual oh I can just this far. I can make up time ____. NO!!! Don't stop keep going. Don't stop KEEP going!!!
6:25 I have finished my goal of distance but it had not been a full hour. I can get in a few extra laps and be able to stay on track for my yearly goal. I signed up to swim 100 miles. It's only 2-3 miles a week. When I get in my morning swims this is an easy goal. It's when I slack off I have to push myself back.
6:31 I head for the showers and my day begins. After my shower I stepped on the scale and found that my 5 "yoyo" lbs are gone again. This makes me happy but I don't celebrate it. I have been bouncing 5-10 lbs back and forth for a few months now. I need to get past that and move on to my goal. Thats when I'll really celebrate.
As I was leaving I stopped by the log sheet on the wall to add my laps for the day. I am pleasantly surprised to realize I am right on track for the year. 44 miles so far. I am happy about this too.
I go grab my keys at the front desk and I am out the door at 7:05. Right when I wanted to be. Walking to my car I realize that the swim didn't feel like an hour. I had lost 5 lbs this week AND I am on track for my swimming goal. I am already ahead of what some people do all day.
The day did have it challenges but it was a good day. I ended up with my exercise done. Water ... well I am still sloshing. Calories, good. I am hitting for 1200 but 1349 isn't too bad when I think that I was hitting 1500-2000. I am still under that.
The evening, as most day, was the biggest challenge. I actually cooked. I know I am surprised too. Baked pork steaks and broccoli. Even bigger surprise my daughter ate with me. First time I had even seen her this week that one of us wasn't in sleep mode. Then my son came home and ate before he headed off for his weekend. Wow a workout, cooking a real meal AND time with the kids all in one day. WOOHOO!!!
After dinner settled and I was working editing a video it hit me. I can't be hungry. I have already had enough calories. More than I wanted to have. SSSHHHH!!! Shut up tummy. Here have some water I have work to do.
And so my day ends, when I finish editing the video, on a good note. Guys stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on. I'm doing it this time. :D
5:30 am. I walk into the pool room. It's nice a quite. The water is still. The only light there is comes from the glow of the ones in the lobby that's just out the door and up stairs. It's my time.
I walk to the shallow end and lay down my rocks. I love my rocks, they help me keep count when I am swimming and they don't wash away like marbles.
I walk to the ladder and step down. That is when I see them. The first small ripples of the day. Still no one around I push thru the water to my lane. I stand there for a minute and just breath it in. Not the the smell of the chlorine that you would think of but the clean smell that I get in the pool. The water is clear enough to see thru. It's peaceful, something you don't think about when you think about the gym. Or working out.
I stand at the end of my lane for just a few seconds and stretch. I take a deep breath and I lower myself down to where I am face level with the water and begin to stroke. The stillness starts to leave as the ripples of the water grow faster and harder as I reach the other end of the pool. It's my time. Still no one around to disturb the quiet.
As I reach the end to make my first turn the ripples have become large enough that the splash back in my face. I don't care. I am moving. For the first time in my life I feel good about swimming like this. I am doing it.
My mind runs thru all kinds of thoughts as I swim. The kids and what to do about where we are in our lives now. The day ahead at work and what it may bring. I try to think about anything but what I am doing. Today felt like a struggle to pull myself thru the water but I was going to keep going. I needed to think about anything. Pray about the day. I had to keep moving. Don't stop keep going. Don't stop keep going.
Before I knew it it was 5:55 and the first person was there to join me in the pool. It was nice having it to myself but now the real struggle began. My waves I could control but someone else ... well that can make it hard some days.
My mind begins to compare how life can be like the water splashing at me. How this two year journey has been. I get going along and doing well and then add someone/something and that when it gets hard. Especially when they are moving against you. This was the struggle today as it is with many days.
I am not the fastest swimming out there. I have to remind myself to take it one stroke at a time and not think about the others. The other guy isn't one of the best swimmers I see there but he technic doing cause a big splash. (not near as bad as dolphin boy, read prior blogs for that one) Of course this makes bigger waves too. But I was not going to let this get in my way. I can't give up when the swimming gets hard. I can't give up when this journey gets hard and I can't give up when life gets hard. You just keep going.
The other swimmer didn't stay long and I had a hard time making myself stay. I find myself many days arguing with myself about how far, how long I am going to swim. If I am going to keep the goal I set for myself for the day.
My usual goal when I swim like this before work is 3/4 of a mile and today was not different. Still I did my usual oh I can just this far. I can make up time ____. NO!!! Don't stop keep going. Don't stop KEEP going!!!
6:25 I have finished my goal of distance but it had not been a full hour. I can get in a few extra laps and be able to stay on track for my yearly goal. I signed up to swim 100 miles. It's only 2-3 miles a week. When I get in my morning swims this is an easy goal. It's when I slack off I have to push myself back.
6:31 I head for the showers and my day begins. After my shower I stepped on the scale and found that my 5 "yoyo" lbs are gone again. This makes me happy but I don't celebrate it. I have been bouncing 5-10 lbs back and forth for a few months now. I need to get past that and move on to my goal. Thats when I'll really celebrate.
As I was leaving I stopped by the log sheet on the wall to add my laps for the day. I am pleasantly surprised to realize I am right on track for the year. 44 miles so far. I am happy about this too.
I go grab my keys at the front desk and I am out the door at 7:05. Right when I wanted to be. Walking to my car I realize that the swim didn't feel like an hour. I had lost 5 lbs this week AND I am on track for my swimming goal. I am already ahead of what some people do all day.
The day did have it challenges but it was a good day. I ended up with my exercise done. Water ... well I am still sloshing. Calories, good. I am hitting for 1200 but 1349 isn't too bad when I think that I was hitting 1500-2000. I am still under that.
The evening, as most day, was the biggest challenge. I actually cooked. I know I am surprised too. Baked pork steaks and broccoli. Even bigger surprise my daughter ate with me. First time I had even seen her this week that one of us wasn't in sleep mode. Then my son came home and ate before he headed off for his weekend. Wow a workout, cooking a real meal AND time with the kids all in one day. WOOHOO!!!
After dinner settled and I was working editing a video it hit me. I can't be hungry. I have already had enough calories. More than I wanted to have. SSSHHHH!!! Shut up tummy. Here have some water I have work to do.
And so my day ends, when I finish editing the video, on a good note. Guys stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on. I'm doing it this time. :D
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
June 5th 2013 19 of 100
Today was to be a new start. Then again isn't everyday a new start? Today was difference. Last night I had my first conference call with a support group that is on the same journey as I am. This is something I have very much needed. I have gotten off track somewhat. More so my motivation.
Some days I feel like someone needs to just push my off the cliff to get me going. Today would have been a good day to have someone with a shock collar. I did well last night getting to bed at a time that would get my up and at the gym by 5:30 when the pool opens. Did I make it? I just wasn't feelin it. I was up. I was even awake. I just couldn't make myself go.
I did talk myself into something .. well a better choice of what I wanted to do. I WANTED to go to Ihop for breakfast. I love the Waffle breakfast but I stayed home and had eggs and wheat toast. That was enough to last me till lunch. Actually past lunch time. I don't know if I really wasn't hungry or if it was the "I donwannnas". I ended up wandering downstairs to the cafeteria and the choice was ... chicken pot pie ... carbs ... corn ... carb/starch ... hamburger and french fries. The thing about eating there is even the "good foods" end up fried over covered in butter somehow. The steamed veggies after being steamed are put on a grill and cooked in butter. I don't get this. So french fries is what I ended up with. Tomorrow I need to pack my lunch cuz I have not felt like leaving.
The evening challenge of what to do for dinner. Cooking for one just isn't any fun. The kids were gone, as they usually are these days, and I really just didn't want to cook a big meal. I have been craving green peas and that is what I had. Six cups to be exact lol.
I had one round of peas three cups and then came the commercial for Dairy Queen. Ice cream looked inviting. I don't usually want it but I think I was more hungry still than I wanted ice cream. So back to the freezer for a second round of peas and more water. I guzzled another 32 oz with the peas and I think I am good for the night. I just need to get my mind off it. Thats the hard part. Empty nest here and I don't have as much going on, not that I don't have things to do, to keep my mind off "stuff".
Tomorrow is a new day. I plan on getting up an swim before work. I know I will feel better. I can do this. I can do this!!! So stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.
Some days I feel like someone needs to just push my off the cliff to get me going. Today would have been a good day to have someone with a shock collar. I did well last night getting to bed at a time that would get my up and at the gym by 5:30 when the pool opens. Did I make it? I just wasn't feelin it. I was up. I was even awake. I just couldn't make myself go.
I did talk myself into something .. well a better choice of what I wanted to do. I WANTED to go to Ihop for breakfast. I love the Waffle breakfast but I stayed home and had eggs and wheat toast. That was enough to last me till lunch. Actually past lunch time. I don't know if I really wasn't hungry or if it was the "I donwannnas". I ended up wandering downstairs to the cafeteria and the choice was ... chicken pot pie ... carbs ... corn ... carb/starch ... hamburger and french fries. The thing about eating there is even the "good foods" end up fried over covered in butter somehow. The steamed veggies after being steamed are put on a grill and cooked in butter. I don't get this. So french fries is what I ended up with. Tomorrow I need to pack my lunch cuz I have not felt like leaving.
The evening challenge of what to do for dinner. Cooking for one just isn't any fun. The kids were gone, as they usually are these days, and I really just didn't want to cook a big meal. I have been craving green peas and that is what I had. Six cups to be exact lol.
I had one round of peas three cups and then came the commercial for Dairy Queen. Ice cream looked inviting. I don't usually want it but I think I was more hungry still than I wanted ice cream. So back to the freezer for a second round of peas and more water. I guzzled another 32 oz with the peas and I think I am good for the night. I just need to get my mind off it. Thats the hard part. Empty nest here and I don't have as much going on, not that I don't have things to do, to keep my mind off "stuff".
Tomorrow is a new day. I plan on getting up an swim before work. I know I will feel better. I can do this. I can do this!!! So stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.
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