7-17-12

It's been a though day.  I'm not even sure where to start or for that matter even who will care about it.  Yup, I'm having one of those moments in my life that I just don't _____ you can fill in the blank cuz I really don't know what I don't know.


I have been feeling really bummed ... alone really.  It makes it hard to stay focused.  I try to keep my head up, it's not like things are bad, just not where I want to be.  I know it's a selfish thought/feeling/attitude/____.  I want more ... me  me me me .. that's my problem I am focused on me instead of what I need to be doing.  I fuss at my son all the time for looking at the negative and that's what I have been doing.  So why do I keep doing it?

• I have great kids, even if we argue or hurt each others feeling from time to time we still love each other.
• I have my job.  Yeah I complain about it and there are things that get on my nerves at times when I am there, but it's more than a lot of people have to day.  I thank God that I have it an ask for forgiveness for complaining.
• I have a car that runs.  It may not be the newest.  It may not be fancy or sporyt or ___ but it's mine and it gets me there.  It all I really care about.
• I have a house to live in.  It's not mine and I pay rent and probably will till the day I die.  At least I'm not living in a cardboard box under a bridge some where.
• I have friends.  Just not that close to anyone any more.  Every time I think someone comes along to be there life takes us a different direction.  I have plenty of those friends that I can call and know there are there for me if I call them but we all live in different circles.  But I have them and it's comforting.  I am sure there are some out there that don't have even that .. or at least feel they don't.
• I have my health.  I am not in the best shape but that is what this journey is about.  I have come a long way and I feel soooo much better than I did a year ago ... a year n half ago ...  these days I take the stairs.  I park away from the destination.  I drink WATER.  I am alive ... right?

So why am I sitting here feeling alone?  I see my kids growing up, like we all have an will continue till the end of time.  I am really happy for them and proud of them.  Even though they are "here" I feel the empty nest already.  I realized that I have spent the past 20+ years for them.  My decisions were if they were going to benefit them.  Don't get me wrong I have no regrets and I would do it again starting tomorrow if I was faced with that decision.  I just realize that I set everything aside so I could be there for them an forgot to "set aside" for me.
How do I do that at my age?  I am set in my ways, as unorganized as that may be.  Picky.  an they say moody at times but I think it's just them.  Where do I go from here?


So I could easily sit here and feel sorry for myself (and probably will for a while longer) or I can kick myself in the hinney (which is becoming smaller all the time) an get up and keep going.  Sounds simple huh?  Lets see if I do it.  Feel free to bust me on it when you see me slacking off.  I dare you.  No one has yet!!