It's my choice
Yesterday was one of the LONGEST days. I made some good choices and some ok choices and some not so good choices. I did get up and was at the gym at 5am. I was actually was waiting for them to open it up. So I am on a roll again have been everyday this week. Ok, ok I missed Monday but in the past week that is the only day of my gym times that I have missed. I only sometimes do Saturday and really don't go on Sundays unless I'm really bored. Since I take a nap after church and lunch I don't usually have time to get bored.
Anyway, I got my full 30 minutes in the weight room and a full hour in the pool. I was pumped and ready to go. It was going to be a good day. I took my daughter to school and then went for breakfast. Bacon and eggs (scrambled) mm mm good. No biscuits. No gravy. No potatoes. NO STARCH!! Ok I probably shouldn't have had six slices of bacon but I did. For my breakfast sweetness, Oikos Greek yogurt with strawberries.
This was the day my "momma friend" was having surgery. Since I lost my mom she has become my mom. My best friend Sandy's mom was scheduled for a 1:30 surgery time and I was sitting with her. Sandy not her mom. Now I don't know about you but waiting at the hospital is really no fun. I took a book with me to read cuz this was not my first rodeo. My friend Sean Anderson has a really good book that is getting me to thinking about some of my weight journey. More about him later.
Finally mom was in surgery and we decided to go eat. I was better than I wanted to be on my lunch choice. I really wanted a greasy hamburger and fries loaded with ketchup like the others were having. I had the turkey burger instead. I know I would have been better off if I didn't get the onion rings with them but I really didn't want salad, I was having that on my burger. I know that it was my choice to do this and I wish I was stronger, but I could think of some really good reasons that this wasn't as bad as getting the fries. My best one being: The potato is starch and the onion isn't as bad as the starch choice. I excluded the fact that the onion was battered in starch. They are both fried so that part is a tie. This must be the healthier choice. I know I am a work in progress.
The next worse thing (is that proper grammer? eeehh you know what I mean) I did was I didn't eat dinner. I know skipping meals in not a good thing, we just never stopped to get anything till late. I try not to eat after six in the evening, it's my less active hours. But let's face it, sitting at the hospital for 12 hours waiting is pretty inactive in itself. So I chose to eat nothing instead of going to bed on a full stomach.
This is why I say that I made some good choices and some not so good choice. At least that is what I tried to convince myself when I stepped on the scale this morning and realized I have lost ZERO lbs this week. This is one time I don't like that number. But today is a new day and as tired as I was from getting to bed later than I had planned (almost midnight) I got up at 4:15 and went to the gym. It took me a lil bit to get going and I didn't work as much as I had the past few days, but I was there and that counts too. I did my 30 minutes in the gym. 500 abdominals and 500 leg curls today. This is what I have built up to in my weight room time. Then went to the pool. My plan was to swim for an hour like I had been doing, but even from the moment I got into the still water I was already tired and not wanting to swim. I struggled for about 15 minutes when "dolphin boy" came in. (you know the one that makes a lot of waves). I struggled for another 15 minutes and decided I couldn't do it any more. I told myself that at least I got something in right? So I showered, dressed and took my daughter to school.
Now I am changing gears so keep up. If you need a potty break I'll wait. Go ahead just remember to flush and wash your hands when you are done.
I have felt challenged to get some things out to help me see and maybe help someone else realize how they got where they are. Weight wise that is. I have been reading this really good book about my friend Sean Anderson. He tells about how he managed to let his weight peek at over five-hundred pounds. I know some will read this at some point and think how on earth could someone let themselves get that big. I just say one bite at a time. One poor choice at a time. I started my journey at just over 400 pounds myself. There I said it. There are only maybe three people, outside of my doctor, that I have said that too but here it is for anyone to read. I know some who knew me a year ago might be shocked at this but it's true. I have always been able to "carry my weight well" and people don't usually think I weigh as much as I do.
I could blame my weight gain on circumstance. I could blame it not being able to buy "healthy foods". I could blame it on so many things but it boils down to one thing. It was MY choice to be like that. I don't mean I wanted to be that big. But the choices that I made got me there. Yes I did have some medical problems at times. I also used them as an excuse much longer than they were really a problem. Yes I have dealt with depression and that can cause inactivity. Yup there I said it, two confessions in one blog, how bout that. Happy go lucky Genie deals with depression to this day. I am not ashamed of it it's the way my body is geared. If you deal with it and have not addressed it please do.
I have heard so many times people say "I am emotional eater", "food was my friend" " I couldn't stop myself". I thought about these many times over the years and just thought ok I guess that is what my problem is. But since I have been reading this book I challenged myself to really look at why I have did what I did.
As a kid growing up I usually had a friend to play with. My house, their house, riding bikes in between or whatever else we could find to get into. So I couldn't use the excuse I was bored or needed a friend. When I did eat I didn't usually just stuff myself, at least not at that point. so that was out. When I got depressed I usually shut down and cried or stayed away from everyone. No eating wasn't my friend. Why was I this way? I use to say that I had to work twice as hard to stay half as far behind on anything I did. For that matter I still feel that way. I don't feel like anything in my life has been an easy ride. Sometimes because of my choices sometimes it's just the way it went. I have come to accept this.
Now I can't say I didn't love the taste of food. I did. My grandma could do some goooood cooking. Fried cabbage, cornbread, fried chicken oh man was that good. I can't forget her chicken fried steak and gravy. Did I mention fried bologna and cheese sandwich? (that was my after school specialty) But even when she made these things I didn't stuff myself, sometimes maybe a lil more than the normal portions but when I was younger I could run most of it off in an afternoon playing and riding bikes. I didn't get huge for my age but I was always the "chunky" kid up to about 4th grade. Ya know one of those times the metabolism changes for kids. No, I was never small for my age, but the younger "play time years" I was much more active so it helped to curve the weight gain.
I don't think I have it figured out yet. Lets keep looking. Why was I always "on the heavy side". I can't blame my parents. My mom was always trying to work with my to lose weight. We even went to Weight Watchers at one time. She did great, me I didn't like the foods that they wanted me to eat. I tried the diet pills. I tried the lil "candies" that you take with a hot liquid drink thirty minutes before your meal. Surly this will work, it's suppose to make you feel full. Now these things tasted pretty good. I reasoned out that if one made you feel full, two or more would make you feel really full. Looking back I can see why that didn't work. The list could go on and on with things mom would get for me to try to help me lose weight but none of them worked. At least not enough to make a real difference. So was it their fault? Should they have just put a lock on the fridge? It was MY choice on the foods I ate. I am sure had I said I wanted something to eat that will make me lose weight they would have done what they could to get it for me. It was my choice not to ask.
So now I have determined that I don't really feel like food was my friend or that I was an emotional eater overall. I guess in some ways maybe, but I am not convinced of it yet. At least not when it all started. As I said earlier I did like the taste of food, other than when I was on that weight watchers kick. I especially loved my grandma's cooking. What was it she cooked again? Oh yeah that STARCH. fried starch. I loved the taste of the wrong foods. Still do to this day, but I chose to find healthy alternatives for them. If I had my choice I would take a starch over a carrot any day. Well actually I do have my choice, but I am trying really hard to stay away from starches. I have found some alternatives to my choices.
Surely it can't be this simple. Just change the foods I am eating. Well it's where I started a year ago. But wait there's more. (sound like I am selling something from an infomercial?) I think back to how I use to always be running an playing, riding bikes and climbing trees with my friends (even though we were not suppose to be climbing the trees ... when I fell out of one I realized why, nope I didn't tell mom about that ... ever.) At this time I was just a lil over weight. Just enough that I, .... well .... I didn't care so much.
When did I stop being so active? WHY did I? I think it was probably in Jr High. I was never a fast runner and it was a joke to see me try. To this day I can honestly say I have never run for fun since I was a small child. I am not really sure that I really ran that much then, my bike got me there faster. I know that we were kids back then but kids can be cruel. I would hear them laugh, or at least I thought they were laughing at me, and I would want to cry. Gym class was one place I never wanted to be at this point in life. If I couldn't joke around an play like I had no idea how to do what ever the coach was asking of me, I played sick. Yeah I did that a lot in Jr High. My mom would leave work and come take me home. I got pretty good at it. Thinking back I probably cost a lot of money for her when she left like that.
I am not blaming my weight gain on the kids that teased me. I can't say it didn't play a part in my choices. But it was my choices that got me where I am today. I take full responsibility for it. I made the choice to avoid exercise. I made the choice to eat unhealthy foods. I did it. No one forced me at this point in time, or any for that matter, to do the things I did. It was ME!
I am still looking and thinking but now I can narrow down why I started to go from "chunky" to .. well just plain fat. I know people tell me all the time, "don't say you're fat". What do you want me to say? Why do I need to sugar coat it, sugar is some of what got me here :D. I was fat. F.A.T. ... FAT!! I had always loved the taste of starch but until I started to not get enough exercise I did "ok" with not tipping the scales over when I stepped on them. I know I say some of this in a way that makes me laugh, and Sean would probably kick me for making people laugh at my expense but at the same time I'm making a point. I am not trying to make readers laugh "with me" instead of at me. Yes at one time in my life I did do that. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Now I make people laugh but not at my expense, well 99% of the time. My best line these days " look out fat lady coming thru. look quick she is slipping away" Get I'm gettin smaller.. get it? oh well it's funny in person. :^D
So this is a start of how I go up to where I am now. I have kinda figured out where it started now I have to figure how to get it off AND keep it off. I know I have to change things about me and my thinking. I am still working thru it but I would love to have someone join me in this adventure of life. Check in from time to time and see how I am doing. I can use all the encouragement that I can get. I don't always get a chance to post every day but I am trying to do it at last every two or three days.
Oh yeah, remember this is my year of no excuses and if you hear me making an EXCUSE you can call me on it. I know I made a few in here. I guess I need to get me an "excuse" jar. I will have to put in a dime every time I make an excuse. hhhmm something to ponder.
Yesterday was one of the LONGEST days. I made some good choices and some ok choices and some not so good choices. I did get up and was at the gym at 5am. I was actually was waiting for them to open it up. So I am on a roll again have been everyday this week. Ok, ok I missed Monday but in the past week that is the only day of my gym times that I have missed. I only sometimes do Saturday and really don't go on Sundays unless I'm really bored. Since I take a nap after church and lunch I don't usually have time to get bored.
Anyway, I got my full 30 minutes in the weight room and a full hour in the pool. I was pumped and ready to go. It was going to be a good day. I took my daughter to school and then went for breakfast. Bacon and eggs (scrambled) mm mm good. No biscuits. No gravy. No potatoes. NO STARCH!! Ok I probably shouldn't have had six slices of bacon but I did. For my breakfast sweetness, Oikos Greek yogurt with strawberries.
This was the day my "momma friend" was having surgery. Since I lost my mom she has become my mom. My best friend Sandy's mom was scheduled for a 1:30 surgery time and I was sitting with her. Sandy not her mom. Now I don't know about you but waiting at the hospital is really no fun. I took a book with me to read cuz this was not my first rodeo. My friend Sean Anderson has a really good book that is getting me to thinking about some of my weight journey. More about him later.
Finally mom was in surgery and we decided to go eat. I was better than I wanted to be on my lunch choice. I really wanted a greasy hamburger and fries loaded with ketchup like the others were having. I had the turkey burger instead. I know I would have been better off if I didn't get the onion rings with them but I really didn't want salad, I was having that on my burger. I know that it was my choice to do this and I wish I was stronger, but I could think of some really good reasons that this wasn't as bad as getting the fries. My best one being: The potato is starch and the onion isn't as bad as the starch choice. I excluded the fact that the onion was battered in starch. They are both fried so that part is a tie. This must be the healthier choice. I know I am a work in progress.
The next worse thing (is that proper grammer? eeehh you know what I mean) I did was I didn't eat dinner. I know skipping meals in not a good thing, we just never stopped to get anything till late. I try not to eat after six in the evening, it's my less active hours. But let's face it, sitting at the hospital for 12 hours waiting is pretty inactive in itself. So I chose to eat nothing instead of going to bed on a full stomach.
This is why I say that I made some good choices and some not so good choice. At least that is what I tried to convince myself when I stepped on the scale this morning and realized I have lost ZERO lbs this week. This is one time I don't like that number. But today is a new day and as tired as I was from getting to bed later than I had planned (almost midnight) I got up at 4:15 and went to the gym. It took me a lil bit to get going and I didn't work as much as I had the past few days, but I was there and that counts too. I did my 30 minutes in the gym. 500 abdominals and 500 leg curls today. This is what I have built up to in my weight room time. Then went to the pool. My plan was to swim for an hour like I had been doing, but even from the moment I got into the still water I was already tired and not wanting to swim. I struggled for about 15 minutes when "dolphin boy" came in. (you know the one that makes a lot of waves). I struggled for another 15 minutes and decided I couldn't do it any more. I told myself that at least I got something in right? So I showered, dressed and took my daughter to school.
Now I am changing gears so keep up. If you need a potty break I'll wait. Go ahead just remember to flush and wash your hands when you are done.
I have felt challenged to get some things out to help me see and maybe help someone else realize how they got where they are. Weight wise that is. I have been reading this really good book about my friend Sean Anderson. He tells about how he managed to let his weight peek at over five-hundred pounds. I know some will read this at some point and think how on earth could someone let themselves get that big. I just say one bite at a time. One poor choice at a time. I started my journey at just over 400 pounds myself. There I said it. There are only maybe three people, outside of my doctor, that I have said that too but here it is for anyone to read. I know some who knew me a year ago might be shocked at this but it's true. I have always been able to "carry my weight well" and people don't usually think I weigh as much as I do.
I could blame my weight gain on circumstance. I could blame it not being able to buy "healthy foods". I could blame it on so many things but it boils down to one thing. It was MY choice to be like that. I don't mean I wanted to be that big. But the choices that I made got me there. Yes I did have some medical problems at times. I also used them as an excuse much longer than they were really a problem. Yes I have dealt with depression and that can cause inactivity. Yup there I said it, two confessions in one blog, how bout that. Happy go lucky Genie deals with depression to this day. I am not ashamed of it it's the way my body is geared. If you deal with it and have not addressed it please do.
I have heard so many times people say "I am emotional eater", "food was my friend" " I couldn't stop myself". I thought about these many times over the years and just thought ok I guess that is what my problem is. But since I have been reading this book I challenged myself to really look at why I have did what I did.
As a kid growing up I usually had a friend to play with. My house, their house, riding bikes in between or whatever else we could find to get into. So I couldn't use the excuse I was bored or needed a friend. When I did eat I didn't usually just stuff myself, at least not at that point. so that was out. When I got depressed I usually shut down and cried or stayed away from everyone. No eating wasn't my friend. Why was I this way? I use to say that I had to work twice as hard to stay half as far behind on anything I did. For that matter I still feel that way. I don't feel like anything in my life has been an easy ride. Sometimes because of my choices sometimes it's just the way it went. I have come to accept this.
Now I can't say I didn't love the taste of food. I did. My grandma could do some goooood cooking. Fried cabbage, cornbread, fried chicken oh man was that good. I can't forget her chicken fried steak and gravy. Did I mention fried bologna and cheese sandwich? (that was my after school specialty) But even when she made these things I didn't stuff myself, sometimes maybe a lil more than the normal portions but when I was younger I could run most of it off in an afternoon playing and riding bikes. I didn't get huge for my age but I was always the "chunky" kid up to about 4th grade. Ya know one of those times the metabolism changes for kids. No, I was never small for my age, but the younger "play time years" I was much more active so it helped to curve the weight gain.
I don't think I have it figured out yet. Lets keep looking. Why was I always "on the heavy side". I can't blame my parents. My mom was always trying to work with my to lose weight. We even went to Weight Watchers at one time. She did great, me I didn't like the foods that they wanted me to eat. I tried the diet pills. I tried the lil "candies" that you take with a hot liquid drink thirty minutes before your meal. Surly this will work, it's suppose to make you feel full. Now these things tasted pretty good. I reasoned out that if one made you feel full, two or more would make you feel really full. Looking back I can see why that didn't work. The list could go on and on with things mom would get for me to try to help me lose weight but none of them worked. At least not enough to make a real difference. So was it their fault? Should they have just put a lock on the fridge? It was MY choice on the foods I ate. I am sure had I said I wanted something to eat that will make me lose weight they would have done what they could to get it for me. It was my choice not to ask.
So now I have determined that I don't really feel like food was my friend or that I was an emotional eater overall. I guess in some ways maybe, but I am not convinced of it yet. At least not when it all started. As I said earlier I did like the taste of food, other than when I was on that weight watchers kick. I especially loved my grandma's cooking. What was it she cooked again? Oh yeah that STARCH. fried starch. I loved the taste of the wrong foods. Still do to this day, but I chose to find healthy alternatives for them. If I had my choice I would take a starch over a carrot any day. Well actually I do have my choice, but I am trying really hard to stay away from starches. I have found some alternatives to my choices.
Surely it can't be this simple. Just change the foods I am eating. Well it's where I started a year ago. But wait there's more. (sound like I am selling something from an infomercial?) I think back to how I use to always be running an playing, riding bikes and climbing trees with my friends (even though we were not suppose to be climbing the trees ... when I fell out of one I realized why, nope I didn't tell mom about that ... ever.) At this time I was just a lil over weight. Just enough that I, .... well .... I didn't care so much.
When did I stop being so active? WHY did I? I think it was probably in Jr High. I was never a fast runner and it was a joke to see me try. To this day I can honestly say I have never run for fun since I was a small child. I am not really sure that I really ran that much then, my bike got me there faster. I know that we were kids back then but kids can be cruel. I would hear them laugh, or at least I thought they were laughing at me, and I would want to cry. Gym class was one place I never wanted to be at this point in life. If I couldn't joke around an play like I had no idea how to do what ever the coach was asking of me, I played sick. Yeah I did that a lot in Jr High. My mom would leave work and come take me home. I got pretty good at it. Thinking back I probably cost a lot of money for her when she left like that.
I am not blaming my weight gain on the kids that teased me. I can't say it didn't play a part in my choices. But it was my choices that got me where I am today. I take full responsibility for it. I made the choice to avoid exercise. I made the choice to eat unhealthy foods. I did it. No one forced me at this point in time, or any for that matter, to do the things I did. It was ME!
I am still looking and thinking but now I can narrow down why I started to go from "chunky" to .. well just plain fat. I know people tell me all the time, "don't say you're fat". What do you want me to say? Why do I need to sugar coat it, sugar is some of what got me here :D. I was fat. F.A.T. ... FAT!! I had always loved the taste of starch but until I started to not get enough exercise I did "ok" with not tipping the scales over when I stepped on them. I know I say some of this in a way that makes me laugh, and Sean would probably kick me for making people laugh at my expense but at the same time I'm making a point. I am not trying to make readers laugh "with me" instead of at me. Yes at one time in my life I did do that. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Now I make people laugh but not at my expense, well 99% of the time. My best line these days " look out fat lady coming thru. look quick she is slipping away" Get I'm gettin smaller.. get it? oh well it's funny in person. :^D
So this is a start of how I go up to where I am now. I have kinda figured out where it started now I have to figure how to get it off AND keep it off. I know I have to change things about me and my thinking. I am still working thru it but I would love to have someone join me in this adventure of life. Check in from time to time and see how I am doing. I can use all the encouragement that I can get. I don't always get a chance to post every day but I am trying to do it at last every two or three days.
Oh yeah, remember this is my year of no excuses and if you hear me making an EXCUSE you can call me on it. I know I made a few in here. I guess I need to get me an "excuse" jar. I will have to put in a dime every time I make an excuse. hhhmm something to ponder.
Great post, Genie--Very nice! You're making some amazing breakthroughs!!! Keep coming down the road!
ReplyDelete--Sean
It's funny that these thoughts were in my head today. I had read part of your book. I had stopped just before you were going to the Star Search.
ReplyDeleteToday I had my goof off day. I got up went to the gym, went by to check up on Momma Pat and then came home and did basically nothing. I wrote my blog and then read.
Tonight I had to smile cuz I could see myself in some of the things that you were talking about. I have been down so many of the roads that you talk about in your book. Sometimes I would feel like such a failure. This time IS different. I like your approach about the food bank. I have had a lil different approach to what I did but in some ways the same. The first thing I did was cut out "whites an sugars". Portion control wasn't hard for me it was what I ate. It was a few months into the journey that I started any kind of exercise. One day on lunch I looked outside, it was nice so I went out for some fresh air. I was going to walk to the end of the building, and ended up walking around the parking lot most of my lunch that day. I guess kind of the way you started ... you just walked. I am soooo glad that now I can a brisk pace without being totally out of breath.
thanks for the insight,