Keep pushing
Today was just not the day for me. I know I wasn't feeling it. I had to fight with myself EVERY step of the way. My alarm went off at 4:15 this morning and I came awake pretty well, but then I lost it. I had set it earlier than normal because I was determined that I was going to be AT the gym at 5 when it opened. I went to see if my daughter was going with me and she decided that today was not the day to go. My thoughts at that time was I will go after I take her to school and workout longer. My downfall was going back to lay down till time to take her to school. I soooo did NOT want to move at this point. I did get her to school and you would have thought I would have made myself gone then, but noooo. I came back to visit with my son for a while, and did till he went back to bed. (HE made it to the gym when I SHOULD have gone)
Finally about 10:30 I managed to pushed myself to the gym. This was actually earlier than I usually get there on Thurs (one of my three days off right now) so I should count this as a plus but still didn't. I got a good two hours in PUSHING myself all the time. This should have made me feel good about the day, but it didn't
Today I decided that I want to FEEL the burn. I did my first set of weights at the normal weight. My next set I went up 15lbs on each one AND added two machines I don't usually do. So now not only my legs hurt from the extra weight but my arms from the ones I don't usually do. This should make me feel good that I pushed thru, but it didn't
Once I was done with the weight room I wanted to go home but it was time to hit the pool, as much as I didn't want to do it. I dragged myself to the pool and swam for an hour. Yeah I was tired and I had to keep telling myself to push thru. "don't stop, keep going" It the chant the football boys use to say and sometimes I have to tell myself that .. DON'T STOP KEEP GOING!! At the end of each length of the pool I wanted to stop. When the other swimmers made the water much less easy to swim I wanted to stop DON'T STOP KEEP GOING!! I told myself that over and over today.
I know that you only fail when you stop trying and I was determined to not stop but it was so hard today. I just kept feeling the "failure" kind of feeling. I kept telling myself I was not a failure that I only fail when I quit .. DON'T STOP KEEP GOING!! The young lady that is one of the lifeguards at the pool has at times put on, if it was not already on, KLOVE and it helps me to keep going when I want to stop. Today it was getting close to time to go and I still needed something to push me. She tried to put it on but for some reason the sound would not turn up. I felt I was on my own. DON'T STOP KEEP GOING!! I honestly don't know how I made it thru my day, at least the workout part.
When I finished up I felt more drained than ever. Since I still have the "junk" in my chest I decided to sit in the steam room for a bit like I had been doing earlier this week. It helped but still I felt even more drained. Not that I thought a steam room would give me energy but I could hope to feel better. My chest did clear up but I still didn't have the umph that I had hoped to have today.
After I showered and dressed it was that time of the week. The time that I make my official weigh time. I was not looking forward to this, esp since when I went to the Dr just a week ago I had GAIN nine lbs while I was sick. REALLY?? I get the stomach virus that kept me down for THREE days. What little I did eat did not stay with me and I GAINED NINE lbs ... REALLY?? I had not been happy about it, but not as discouraged as I was feeling today.
Ok, here goes. Time to step on the scale. Slide it over ... move it back ... back ... back? I had lost TEN lbs since last Friday. I thought surely this was a mistake so I get off push it all back to zero lbs and start over. Again it's reading ten lbs. I turn to walk off and start to log it on my phone app and had to go back one more time. Yup it was again ten lbs. Now you would think think this would make me happy right? nope. I just could not get excited about it. Don't get me wrong I was happy that I had lost the nine lbs plus one, but that I was just not feeling that umph.
I hate days like this when I should feel happy, or at least upbeat, and I don't. I am glad that I kept pushing thru. I did pretty good on my food choices for the day. I managed to burn twice as many calories as what I ate so I am good with that. So why don't I feel happy about it. I have lost SEVENTY lbs and I still feel down. WHY?
So if anyone is reading this feel free to answer this. What do you do when you want to keep going and just don't feel like it?
Genie,
ReplyDeleteYou, my friend, are doing this. You're doing it!!!!!! This time--different from all the rest. Why???? Because Genie B decided. Genie B made an iron clad decision to choose change---and nothing is stopping her. I'm so happy for you, Genie...Embrace the positive--understand the bumps and slowdowns---and realize---time is on your side. With your consistency--it's not a question of will you arrive at a healthy and comfortable weight---it's when? Because you are. Our bodies can fluctuate like crazy--especially when we're under the weather...your previous gain wasn't anything to take too personally---and now, a ten pound loss later proves it. Stay positive, my friend--keep writing---because aside from the work you're doing with your food and exercise choices---this work, this writing you're doing---is also VERY critical to your understanding of YOU. I'm so very happy for you, my friend. Keep walking down this road---it keeps getting better and better. My best---Sean
Thanks, I know that I can do this. I guess I just want to jump right back into what I was doing before I got sick and it just doesn't happen that way. I started thinking too (which can be dangerous for me lol) that once I did start trying to eat I ate anything, carbs, sugars, soda, anything that I thought would help me feel better. Why is it that most "bland" foods are starch and sugar ..hhmm must look into that.
DeleteWhen I was young my mom use always give me a sprite or ginger ale to "sip" on to make my stomach feel better when I was sick like that. Yup that is what I did. I hadn't had a soda in MONTHS and then within a few days time had 5-6 cans. I kept telling myself that since I wasn't eating it would be ok, guess I was fooled.
I know that I will have my share of bumps and set back. This past year was kind of a hard one, esp when I lost my mom. I had been on a good losing road till that time then everyone thought they needed to feed me so I ate to shut them up. Not that I can blame it on anyone but myself, I am the one that made the choice to put the food in my mouth. Not that I stuffed myself to the brim, but the type of foods were not what I had been eating. In that time I gained back 12 lbs. I was sooooo upset with myself. I had my pity party for a few days and almost gave up. Then I heard my momma telling to keep going. About the same time the Dr changed up my meds and I took some much needed time off from work. Within a week and a half I lost 18 lbs and felt I was back on the road. Some days I do want to just give up(did you ever feel that way, be honest) but at the same time I don't want to have to struggle just to walk, talk, or breath like I did before.
I know like anything in life it takes time, one day, one step, one bite at a time. I have made the first step of .. well 200 :D 70 down 130 more to go :D
thanks for the encouraging words. BTW I am reading your book.. my friend got it for me :D