2-29-12

Happy Leap Year Day

Today was pretty good. I kept my calories in check.  I never really got to the gym like I wanted to but I did do some walking at the contest I went to.  I am going to hit the gym before the chickens get up in the morning.  

I started out my day with a bowl of oatmeal.  My lunch I had tuna salad.  Dinner I thought was going to be a bit more of a challenge.  My friend and I had gone on a road trip to see our kids band play at contest.  This meant we would be stopping on the way home to eat with the band.  

Most of the time when the band stopped, and there was a Dairy Queen on the way that was the place.  Dairy Queen is famous for burger, fries and other fried food.  So when I heard we were going to stop at a restaurant I was happy about that.  I had grilled chicken with sweet potato fried and a salad, with dressing on the side :D.. It was really good. I love my chicken cooked just about any way.

 I actually treated myself on the way to the concert.  We stopped at Sonic for a drink, iced tea for me.  No that wasn't the treat.  I had a small ice cream cone and enjoyed every bite.  Even with that I still stayed in my calorie goal.  My calorie goal each day is 1500-2000.  I ended the day at just under 1700.  

I have done some planning for tomorrow as well. I already have my lunch prepared and ready to go.  Gym stuff packed and ready to go when the alarm goes off.  I rested today and feel like I have a clearer mind than I did yesterday.  Rest if very important.  Sleep not only helps your body to rest but you mind as well.  If I don't get enough rest I make poor choices.  Right choices take planning and extra effort.  Each day is a struggle. Each day I have a set of choices and I am working on getting it right.  Right for me.  Right for my body.  Right a healthy life. Each choice I make is a step closer to my goal.  What determines the choices you make?   

2-28-12

What I need sleep?

Tonight I don't want to write this, but I know that if I am going to make this work I have to keep on track. I am still trying to get my thoughts straight on how I got where I am today. I realize today how important rest is to me. I realize how, over all my years, I have taken sleep for granted and even abused it. When I am tired I really don't make the best choices. If you read my last post you know yesterday was a really long day, just short of 22hrs. When I finally did get to bed I crashed. I got up at 7 to take my daughter to school and came back and crashed again.

I had planned on getting up, after my second sleep time, and going to the gym. I was still feeling really tired from yesterday and I just never got myself up an going. I am getting to old for long days like that. I know this was one that couldn't be helped, I am always going to be there for my kids. It did shed a new light on my thoughts about getting enough rest. I realize when I am tired I don't make the best choices. I started out ok but over the day I didn't spend my calories wisely and ran out before I was done with the day. I am not beating myself up about it, but I do know an area that I need to be mindful of.

So today I did go over my calorie count but I know why I did it. I was tired and didn't feel like making the extra planning effort. I didn't feel like going to the store to get anything different. Peanut butter and pizza was good. No not together, don't look at me like that. :D Breakfast had peanut butter. Lunch my son ordered pizza and I had some. And dinner had peanut butter.

Since I have learned this lesson I am making this a short post tonight. I don't just need my beauty sleep I need my gym sleep and my good choice sleep. I can't make good choices if I don't have enough rest now can I? So go on I need my rest :D nite all

2-27-12

No post last night because I spent the evening at the ER with my son. I had no sooner got home and dressed to relax for the evening and he said he needed to go. He had gotten something in his eye from welding class, no nothing hot my first concern but still an irritation just the same. Long story short there it was after around 1:30 this morning when I got home. I had been up since 4:15 when I went to the gym so it was a LONG day. I am to old for those hours :D and no I'm not going to work today for a few reasons.

All in all, even with it being so long, the day went pretty well. I had a good workout and walked several times at work. I kept my food choices in check and feel like it was a pretty good day. I do have to say I am still trying to tweak my routine, my thoughts on what I am doing. It's been a lifetime of doing what I have been doing, even though I do feel different about things this time, I still trying to get it together so I can keep going.

I have been talking with several people in my life about weight control, food choice, life choices really. Since this has been a life time battle for me I have a lot of knowledge about the do's and don'ts of weight loss. I am sorting thru what is going to help me get where I want to be, now and down the line. What works for you? What is healthy? What will work for me? How did I really get here? Where do I go now? These are all questions I ask myself and I am trying to sort thru on a daily basis right now.

I have never been one to just sit around every free moment and eat, even stuff myself till I can't move. I can't say I have never "ate to much" at a single meal, but what is really too much. I have a range of calories that I am looking to keep and if I eat it all in one meal is this a bad thing? A lot of what I read would say yes. I need to keep fuel going thru the day to burn it off. But some will say eat what you want as long as you don't go over you calorie goal for the day. Some would say eat what you want but spread it out over the day. hhmmm. I'm thinking and experimenting. The one consistent this is exercise.

Over the past year I have not kept a ... well consistent routine. I started out doing the eat six times a day. I had breakfast, drank a shake mid morning, ate lunch with a shake mid afternoon and then dinner and sometimes a shake before I went to bed. That with exercise added to was good for a while. When I hit my 20 lbs I stalled for almost a month, so I tried different things. I stopped doing the shakes and just eating the three meals of a healthy choice and once in a while adding a shake or a snack. Ok this worked for awhile too. This took me thru the summer pretty well. Then the crash.

I had set a goal to lose 50 lbs by my birthday which is Sept 2. When I weighed in that day I had lost 46. Disappointed, a lil, but still couldn't celebrate. Not because I didn't make the goal, I was ok with that but the day before I lost my mom. Sept 1 at shortly after 6am I got the call. Over the next few days my friend thought they needed to feed me. One of which is a long distance friend, meaning I live in WF and she lives in Tulsa. She had not been here to see what my daily routine had been and she meant well. One, who had seen my routine and did what she could to help me but was concerned I was going to starve myself. Both meant well. So to keep them from nagging me I ate. I ate at times when I probably wouldn't have. I ate things that I hadn't been eating. Also remember it was my birthday. Another of my friends bake me my favorite cake. Upside down pineapple cake. Not one but TWO. This is one time that I guess you could say I was an emotional eater. The last week before Mom died I ate practically nothing. There was some underlying issue that I just didn't.

I didn't have people bringing food to the house, I really didn't give them time. Mom passed on Thursday morning and we buried her on Saturday morning. There was no reason to draw this out over a long period of time. My kids are old enough, if they are hungry, they can get for themselves. So up to this point of the meal after the funeral I hadn't ate and I was ok with it. It really had nothing to do with weight loss. Also remember my friends fed me after the funeral, it was really the first meal that I ate all week.

So back to the my cake, aahh I mean my cakes. I hadn't really shopped for groceries that week and my kids were doing ok on their own. I didn't feel like cooking. Several times over the next week, actually more like days, I had ate the cakes. I know the kids ate some but I probably ate most of them. I would walk thru the house, end up in the kitchen and find my way to the cake and I would eat some of it. At this point I think I was an auto mode. Problem with that, it was set to the old habits.

Over the next month I had really pushed off any of the habits I had formed. I had a lot going on in my mind that I may share with you at some point. I ate with no thought about the food choices and exercise was not on the list of my to do for the day.

I am not sure at what point over this time I had weighed but when I did I had gained 12 lbs. Normally I would have gone into destruction mode at this time but I didn't. I did just the opposite. I kicked into over drive and talked to my Dr about it. We made some changes and over the next two weeks I had lost the 12 lbs back off plus 6. That was really my only emotional eating set back since I started this time. I have had lil dips here and there but nothing like that. I keep hearing my mom telling me I can do it. That got me back up and running.

Today is a new day, I try to take none of them for granted. I am working on getting me in line where I can live a healthy life ... for me. Today I will continue to ask myself the questions to sort out what I need to do to live a healthy life. How about you? What will you do for you today?

2-26-12

No post last night. It was a long day, that started much to early. Granted I did sleep in, till 7, for my normal day but some times I think I am getting old. I know excuses, right? Getting up at 4:15 and not going to bed time 10, sometimes 11pm kinda gets me by the weekend. I had planned on going to the gym before the road trip but that didn't happen. I woke up with a little bit of an upset stomach, but still I probably would have been ok. I rationalized out that since I was going to be up and running for the game last night I would get some exercise in.
As I said I slept in and also did lil of anything till time to leave for the two hour drive for the football game. My son plays for a minor pro league team and I shoot photos for them. I love it. I do get in my share of exercise when I am doing this. I am by no means "running" up and down the field but I am on my feet the whole game walking from one end to the other, and dodging the player as the come toward me, lol. Last night was no different. I did make a new friend that kept an eye out for me. I do have a tendency to focus on one spot and not always see someone headed for me. He did pull me back a couple of times, once JUST in time to miss the player I was trying to shoot. I have to say that I have only been hit, actually brushed by, twice.
The game seemed to go on forever. It started at 7 but wasn't over till after 11pm. It was 11:30 before we got on the road to come home for the two hour drive. As for my eating I had did pretty good till this point. I ate some of the foods that I normally don't eat, but was trying to count calories. Well til the trip back. About an hour into the trip we stopped for gas and since we never had any dinner we ate. Anyone ever heard of Allsups? Most lil town in the are where I am from has them. The have a "hot bar" that usually is filled with great fried foods, last night was no exception. A few minutes later the tank was full and so were we. I had a great chimichanga ... did I mention they are fried? At the time I had no idea what the calorie count was but it was the fact that try not to eat that late at night. When I add up the calories that I actually ate yesterday it probably wasn't too bad. No I didn't keep count, since it was food I don't usually and I was on the run when I did eat. Let me check now, I have to know :D
Ok so I had less than 1400 calories for the day, just the idea that I ate late. I am hung up on the idea of eating late. I try to practice not eating after around 6pm or so. My theory, and something I had read about once, is that it's the later hours of the day when I am less active. I guess if I were to be more active after I ate it wouldn't really matter what time of day I ate. Last night was not a night that this was going to happen. It was already after midnight and I still had over an hour drive before I got home. It was all I could do to stay awake till I pulled in the driveway. I took the drive back since my son had to be at work at 7am this morning. I wanted him to be able to rest and he did most of the trip after we made our pit stop.
Today I actually ate more calories than I did yesterday. It was all I could do to wake up for church so eating was on the run. I had stop for gas on the way and there they were, 3/$1 chips. I grabbed Cheetos, Lays and Doritos. No I only had the Cheetos they other two are sitting in the car. Lunch was a grille chicken from MickyD's and french fries. Not to bad till I had to make a second trip because my daughter wanted it too when I picked her up. No I didn't order a second time but the apple pie did look good.
Ok now everyone was fed, everyone at home that is, and I was ready for a much needed nap. When I woke I was hungry and I didn't want to go to the store. I made spaghetti and had seconds. They were not large portions but it was enough that put me over my 1500 calories I had planned on eating for the day. I am not going to beat myself up about but will work on it again tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a new day and it will start at 4:15. I have a challenge that I need to make good on. Had a friend that wanted to challenge me to leg press. Did I mention that he is only 20? Lets see what happens. Nite all.

2-24-12

Now I get it

I had a really good day all in all. I had a later night than I meant to and really didn't want to get up this morning for the gym but I made it. I was there waiting at the door, at FIVE am, for the doors to be unlocked. I felt like I was dragging and really hoped that the workout would get me moving. Nope not today. I got in most of the weight time, since they opened late it gave me less time. I only swam for 30 minutes. I really was going to push myself for the full hour, I really needed it, then dolphin boy came and I just couldn't fight the waves. I know I don't mean to be that way about him. He does have every right to be there too. It just makes it so hard for me, and others too. I had thought it was just me but some of the better swimmers commented as well. Ok ok I am working on that too. One thing at a time.

The more that things came at me today the less I let them get to me. For that matter the more another door would open. For example: When I walked up to the counter at the gym, I see this sign taped to the desk "pool will be closed from 5:45-6:45" " for SIX weeks? REALLY??? That is the time I have to get it all done. Ok so I take a deep breath and realize it's only on Wednesday. Still I brewed about it for a bit while I was in the locker room. Why couldn't it be on Thursday when I do my workout later? I kept thinking "don't they know I am on a roll now" "don't they understand I don't want to miss a day an mess up my rhythm". I finally brushed it off and pushed myself on the weights. No sense in letting this get in the way of my workout today.

Later this morning before I left for work a friend told me of a gym in town that is only $9 a month, no commitment, and it has ... yes a POOL!! I am going to be checking on this. If it has all I have been told and will be available the hours I can go I may have found me a new gym. See hit me and I come back slugging :D

As if this wasn't enough to make me feel better, I read a post from one of my young friends that made me feel really good. Ya know, most of the time, I just go along and do my thing. I don't think about who may be watching me. I really don't think about why or why not someone might be reading my blog. I do it for the accountability, for me. If someone reads this and is challenged or inspired by it I am all the more happy. So I read this sweet note from my young friend that said she is encouraged by my dedication and it made me smile. Ya know that smile that feels really good? The one that you couldn't stop if you wanted to. Yeah that was it. Like I said I do it to keep me on track but now I am inspired even more to know that someone is watching me. Now I have to keep on my toes for more than myself, right? Thank you Shawna, you don't know much you made my day.

Today I was able to finish reading Sean's "Transformation Road". All I can say is I feel a new sense that I can do this. He makes it so simple. My blog earlier this week I thought I had it figured out. I did but I didn't realize it. It is simple. It's what I have been doing the past year, for the most part, but I see it differently. I kept thinking there is more. It's to simple to just eat right and get exercise. I am not going to tell you how he did it, I want to encourage you to read the book for yourself. It will make you think. It challenged me to keep going. To rethink some of what I was already on the brink of knowing. Thanks again Sean.

I have so many things racing thru my head tonight that I really don't think I can put them down in words. But I am going to share one thing. Since I have been challenged to be TOTALLY honest with myself I am going to post a picture of me like I have NEVER done before. I REALLY don't like my picture being taken, but I had promised myself, after I started losing the weight, that I would keep a photo journal. But as you can see if you have been following me on this that you have never, I mean NEVER seen a side shot of me. So here goes, and yes I have my glasses on, stop laughing. I know I am getting old but I think they make me look smart. :D

I want it.

Today was a good day. It was a lazy day. I did a lot of thinking in the short time I was at the pool. I made good food choices. I feel good today.

My last blog talked about how I feel was the start of my down fall. This is about how I started my healthy journey that I have been on the past year.

I could name so many things over the past few years that you would think would make me say enough. For example: when I was not comfortable in the vacation rental car. When my big floppy shirts were the tight fitting and I had to go up a size to have the same comfort. Even worse when I realize I was up to the largest size the stores had and I had to start ordering on line from the big girl store. Yet still when I come to the largest size they had to offer at that time. Then there is the time when I realized I couldn't sit comfortable in a booth, not that I ever really cared for them any way. So many things that I would get upset with in my life and think I need to change. There's that word NEED. It's not a nice word for me, how bout you?

Lets play a lil mind game for a minute. Usually when you tell yourself you need to get something done it sounds like a chore, lets face it no one likes do to chores. At least not anyone that I know. But if you WANT to do it it sounds more like fun, right? So I have come to the understanding that I have to trick myself. Ok not really trick myself, but chose the better words, like I want to chose the healthy life. I know I need to be healthy. But like an alcoholic or drug addict until they WANT to change you are wasting your time and theirs talking about it. Right?

What brought me to the place where I could I don't want this? I want better. There was no major event, just a big scare. Jan 2011 I had trouble walking from my car to my desk at work. I had to stop, and try to make it look like I wasn't doing it cuz I was out of breath, to catch my breath to make it there. At the time I tried to say it was because of the upper respiratory infection that I had. I really did have one at that time, but I know that my weight made it worse. It was mid January before I put anything into action. I simply started cutting out sugars and whites. I never really had a problem eating too much. Actually I usually don't eat enough, so my body wants to hold on to it. Yes it makes sense.

For a few months I did this and lost a small amount of weight. Spring was around the corner and one day at work it hit me. It was a beautiful day outside. On my lunch I decided to go outside for some fresh air. I ended up walking the parking lot most of my lunch time that day and for days to come.
I wanted to feel better. I wanted to be able to walk and talk at the same time. I wanted to make the change. I started a blog and made myself post every day what I ate and if I exercised. Like this I don't know if anyone really reads it, but the thought that they might be kept me honest. I was holding myself accountable for anyone that might be reading it so I didn't want to have to post poor food choices.

My routine has changed over the past year more than once to adapt to where I am. I have done well hit a high and fell, but I have not given up. I will not give up. Thanks to all those that stop me in the halls to encourage me, you keep me wanting to give you more (or less really) to see an talk about.

I have to share one more thought. Yesterday at the hospital I had an NSV moment. (no scale victory). Last year this time I walked the same halls more than once to visit with my mom. I remember opting for the valet parking so that I didn't have to walk to much. Remember I couldn't walk to my desk at work, now I was suppose to walk these halls. Yesterday I dropped my friend off at the door and went to look for a parking space. The only in the parking lot was at the back. Now this was not back in the north forty, but it was not close by the door either. I didn't think about it. I am now use to parking at the back of the lot at work, so it was no big deal. As soon as I sat down I had to go back to the car. Now this time last year I would have tried to find any excuse to not go. Now I was totally ok with it. I really didn't think about it till I was on my way back up. I did it all without getting out of breath.

2-23-12

It's my choice

Yesterday was one of the LONGEST days. I made some good choices and some ok choices and some not so good choices. I did get up and was at the gym at 5am. I was actually was waiting for them to open it up. So I am on a roll again have been everyday this week. Ok, ok I missed Monday but in the past week that is the only day of my gym times that I have missed. I only sometimes do Saturday and really don't go on Sundays unless I'm really bored. Since I take a nap after church and lunch I don't usually have time to get bored.

Anyway, I got my full 30 minutes in the weight room and a full hour in the pool. I was pumped and ready to go. It was going to be a good day. I took my daughter to school and then went for breakfast. Bacon and eggs (scrambled) mm mm good. No biscuits. No gravy. No potatoes. NO STARCH!! Ok I probably shouldn't have had six slices of bacon but I did. For my breakfast sweetness, Oikos Greek yogurt with strawberries.

This was the day my "momma friend" was having surgery. Since I lost my mom she has become my mom. My best friend Sandy's mom was scheduled for a 1:30 surgery time and I was sitting with her. Sandy not her mom. Now I don't know about you but waiting at the hospital is really no fun. I took a book with me to read cuz this was not my first rodeo. My friend Sean Anderson has a really good book that is getting me to thinking about some of my weight journey. More about him later.

Finally mom was in surgery and we decided to go eat. I was better than I wanted to be on my lunch choice. I really wanted a greasy hamburger and fries loaded with ketchup like the others were having. I had the turkey burger instead. I know I would have been better off if I didn't get the onion rings with them but I really didn't want salad, I was having that on my burger. I know that it was my choice to do this and I wish I was stronger, but I could think of some really good reasons that this wasn't as bad as getting the fries. My best one being: The potato is starch and the onion isn't as bad as the starch choice. I excluded the fact that the onion was battered in starch. They are both fried so that part is a tie. This must be the healthier choice. I know I am a work in progress.

The next worse thing (is that proper grammer? eeehh you know what I mean) I did was I didn't eat dinner. I know skipping meals in not a good thing, we just never stopped to get anything till late. I try not to eat after six in the evening, it's my less active hours. But let's face it, sitting at the hospital for 12 hours waiting is pretty inactive in itself. So I chose to eat nothing instead of going to bed on a full stomach.

This is why I say that I made some good choices and some not so good choice. At least that is what I tried to convince myself when I stepped on the scale this morning and realized I have lost ZERO lbs this week. This is one time I don't like that number. But today is a new day and as tired as I was from getting to bed later than I had planned (almost midnight) I got up at 4:15 and went to the gym. It took me a lil bit to get going and I didn't work as much as I had the past few days, but I was there and that counts too. I did my 30 minutes in the gym. 500 abdominals and 500 leg curls today. This is what I have built up to in my weight room time. Then went to the pool. My plan was to swim for an hour like I had been doing, but even from the moment I got into the still water I was already tired and not wanting to swim. I struggled for about 15 minutes when "dolphin boy" came in. (you know the one that makes a lot of waves). I struggled for another 15 minutes and decided I couldn't do it any more. I told myself that at least I got something in right? So I showered, dressed and took my daughter to school.


Now I am changing gears so keep up. If you need a potty break I'll wait. Go ahead just remember to flush and wash your hands when you are done.


I have felt challenged to get some things out to help me see and maybe help someone else realize how they got where they are. Weight wise that is. I have been reading this really good book about my friend Sean Anderson. He tells about how he managed to let his weight peek at over five-hundred pounds. I know some will read this at some point and think how on earth could someone let themselves get that big. I just say one bite at a time. One poor choice at a time. I started my journey at just over 400 pounds myself. There I said it. There are only maybe three people, outside of my doctor, that I have said that too but here it is for anyone to read. I know some who knew me a year ago might be shocked at this but it's true. I have always been able to "carry my weight well" and people don't usually think I weigh as much as I do.

I could blame my weight gain on circumstance. I could blame it not being able to buy "healthy foods". I could blame it on so many things but it boils down to one thing. It was MY choice to be like that. I don't mean I wanted to be that big. But the choices that I made got me there. Yes I did have some medical problems at times. I also used them as an excuse much longer than they were really a problem. Yes I have dealt with depression and that can cause inactivity. Yup there I said it, two confessions in one blog, how bout that. Happy go lucky Genie deals with depression to this day. I am not ashamed of it it's the way my body is geared. If you deal with it and have not addressed it please do.

I have heard so many times people say "I am emotional eater", "food was my friend" " I couldn't stop myself". I thought about these many times over the years and just thought ok I guess that is what my problem is. But since I have been reading this book I challenged myself to really look at why I have did what I did.

As a kid growing up I usually had a friend to play with. My house, their house, riding bikes in between or whatever else we could find to get into. So I couldn't use the excuse I was bored or needed a friend. When I did eat I didn't usually just stuff myself, at least not at that point. so that was out. When I got depressed I usually shut down and cried or stayed away from everyone. No eating wasn't my friend. Why was I this way? I use to say that I had to work twice as hard to stay half as far behind on anything I did. For that matter I still feel that way. I don't feel like anything in my life has been an easy ride. Sometimes because of my choices sometimes it's just the way it went. I have come to accept this.

Now I can't say I didn't love the taste of food. I did. My grandma could do some goooood cooking. Fried cabbage, cornbread, fried chicken oh man was that good. I can't forget her chicken fried steak and gravy. Did I mention fried bologna and cheese sandwich? (that was my after school specialty) But even when she made these things I didn't stuff myself, sometimes maybe a lil more than the normal portions but when I was younger I could run most of it off in an afternoon playing and riding bikes. I didn't get huge for my age but I was always the "chunky" kid up to about 4th grade. Ya know one of those times the metabolism changes for kids. No, I was never small for my age, but the younger "play time years" I was much more active so it helped to curve the weight gain.

I don't think I have it figured out yet. Lets keep looking. Why was I always "on the heavy side". I can't blame my parents. My mom was always trying to work with my to lose weight. We even went to Weight Watchers at one time. She did great, me I didn't like the foods that they wanted me to eat. I tried the diet pills. I tried the lil "candies" that you take with a hot liquid drink thirty minutes before your meal. Surly this will work, it's suppose to make you feel full. Now these things tasted pretty good. I reasoned out that if one made you feel full, two or more would make you feel really full. Looking back I can see why that didn't work. The list could go on and on with things mom would get for me to try to help me lose weight but none of them worked. At least not enough to make a real difference. So was it their fault? Should they have just put a lock on the fridge? It was MY choice on the foods I ate. I am sure had I said I wanted something to eat that will make me lose weight they would have done what they could to get it for me. It was my choice not to ask.

So now I have determined that I don't really feel like food was my friend or that I was an emotional eater overall. I guess in some ways maybe, but I am not convinced of it yet. At least not when it all started. As I said earlier I did like the taste of food, other than when I was on that weight watchers kick. I especially loved my grandma's cooking. What was it she cooked again? Oh yeah that STARCH. fried starch. I loved the taste of the wrong foods. Still do to this day, but I chose to find healthy alternatives for them. If I had my choice I would take a starch over a carrot any day. Well actually I do have my choice, but I am trying really hard to stay away from starches. I have found some alternatives to my choices.

Surely it can't be this simple. Just change the foods I am eating. Well it's where I started a year ago. But wait there's more. (sound like I am selling something from an infomercial?) I think back to how I use to always be running an playing, riding bikes and climbing trees with my friends (even though we were not suppose to be climbing the trees ... when I fell out of one I realized why, nope I didn't tell mom about that ... ever.) At this time I was just a lil over weight. Just enough that I, .... well .... I didn't care so much.

When did I stop being so active? WHY did I? I think it was probably in Jr High. I was never a fast runner and it was a joke to see me try. To this day I can honestly say I have never run for fun since I was a small child. I am not really sure that I really ran that much then, my bike got me there faster. I know that we were kids back then but kids can be cruel. I would hear them laugh, or at least I thought they were laughing at me, and I would want to cry. Gym class was one place I never wanted to be at this point in life. If I couldn't joke around an play like I had no idea how to do what ever the coach was asking of me, I played sick. Yeah I did that a lot in Jr High. My mom would leave work and come take me home. I got pretty good at it. Thinking back I probably cost a lot of money for her when she left like that.

I am not blaming my weight gain on the kids that teased me. I can't say it didn't play a part in my choices. But it was my choices that got me where I am today. I take full responsibility for it. I made the choice to avoid exercise. I made the choice to eat unhealthy foods. I did it. No one forced me at this point in time, or any for that matter, to do the things I did. It was ME!

I am still looking and thinking but now I can narrow down why I started to go from "chunky" to .. well just plain fat. I know people tell me all the time, "don't say you're fat". What do you want me to say? Why do I need to sugar coat it, sugar is some of what got me here :D. I was fat. F.A.T. ... FAT!! I had always loved the taste of starch but until I started to not get enough exercise I did "ok" with not tipping the scales over when I stepped on them. I know I say some of this in a way that makes me laugh, and Sean would probably kick me for making people laugh at my expense but at the same time I'm making a point. I am not trying to make readers laugh "with me" instead of at me. Yes at one time in my life I did do that. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Now I make people laugh but not at my expense, well 99% of the time. My best line these days " look out fat lady coming thru. look quick she is slipping away" Get I'm gettin smaller.. get it? oh well it's funny in person. :^D

So this is a start of how I go up to where I am now. I have kinda figured out where it started now I have to figure how to get it off AND keep it off. I know I have to change things about me and my thinking. I am still working thru it but I would love to have someone join me in this adventure of life. Check in from time to time and see how I am doing. I can use all the encouragement that I can get. I don't always get a chance to post every day but I am trying to do it at last every two or three days.

Oh yeah, remember this is my year of no excuses and if you hear me making an EXCUSE you can call me on it. I know I made a few in here. I guess I need to get me an "excuse" jar. I will have to put in a dime every time I make an excuse. hhhmm something to ponder.

2-21-12

Yeah that didn't happen either.

Ok so the weekend was a long one. I didn't get to the gym but I felt like I got a workout anyway. I did a photo shoot at the kids power lifting meet. I did a lot of squatting getting pictures of their squats and lifts. Some of those guys scare me. The poor bar was bending on some of them. Their eyes and veins were popping out of their bodies, WOW! So I didn't make it to the gym but I didn't just sit around. My legs are really sore this week, I haven't done those kind of squats in a REALLY long time. I am sure that and the taking the weights up a notch didn't help any with the soreness.

The weekend I didn't make the most healthy choices. I don't know why it is that I do that. In the week, even when I don't work, I make difference choices from the weekend. At one point in the weight loss I had said my "weigh days" was a blow off day. Not that I just ate and ate and ate, but I ate things that I normally don't eat. If I wanted to eat some candy or chips or "the bad" food I did. Even though I ate these things I kept it in proportions. So why now do I end up doing this "cheat days" on the weekends?

Sunday was a rough day. One of my best friends from High School had lost her father and that was the day for the funeral. It was the first time since I lost mom that I went to one. Not the first one that I "should" have attended, but the first one I actually went to.
Sundays I usually take a nap but since the day was off the normal times it was late and I didn't want to nap this late in the day. After I left the graveside I had a lot on my mind, so on the way home I stopped to talk to Mom an Dad. I have only visited their grave twice now since I lost mom.
As much as I tried to stay awake till 9:00-10:00 I feel asleep around 8:00. This was not a good thing because I woke up around 11:00 and couldn't go back to sleep. By 12:00 I was really wanting sleep so I took one of my sleeping pills. Now before you going judging this one I have to say it's a small amount that the Dr has given me to help with my sleep apnea. Since I have been going to the gym and working out on a regular basis I don't have to take them as much.
So here it is midnight and I an desperate for sleep. Usually this lil blue bill keeps me good for about 4 hours. I am thinking my alarm is set for 4:15 I should be ok. WRONG!! I guess I was so tired from the day that my body was not yet ready to move.
I lay there struggling to get up and remembered I didn't have to take my daughter to school today. My next thought I can sleep till around six and then still have time to get in a good workout. Nope that didn't happen either. Monday's workout never happened. I was going to walk on my lunch at work, but remember had to run my camera to the shop. That took longer that I had hoped for. Ok so I will get a long break at the end of the day. I will walk then. Nope, I was soooo sleepy at that time I went to my car to try and get a power nap to last till the end of the day, but even that didn't workout. Phone kept ringing.
So now here I was two more hours left at work, sleepy and just wanting to go home. And my stomach started to growl. REALLY?? oh yeah I usually eat dinner on my late break and today I didn't. I didn't think I was hungry at the time, I was just sleepy.
When I got home pizza had just been delivered. I had NO intentions to eat ANY of it. I had in my mind the that kids would split it ALL. YEAH that didn't happen either. I am starting to see a pattern, don't you?
At this point I am kind of beating myself up but I was not going to lose sleep over it. What was done was done. I ate a slice of pizza and THREE bread sticks. I would just not weigh in the morning when I went to the gym. Yeah that's it I would run from my mistakes, right? Can really run from our mistakes? Yeah that's not gonna happen either.
So 9:30 rolls around and I get my bag packed for the gym so I would have no excuses to get there at 5 this morning. My daughter was going and I had her do the same. By 10ish I was snuggled into bed for the night. I got a pretty good night sleep and up when the alarm went off at 4:15. Ok I hit the snooze but I didn't' wait for it to go off again. By 5 o'clock we were going around the corner to the gym. YUP today is going to be a good day.
I got in a good lift in the weight room, despite the pain in my left leg. I got a 50 min swim in, even with the turbulent waters. I sometimes get upset at this guy that makes so many waves, but I tell myself that I just have to work harder to keep going and burn more calories. Hey it works for me :D
Shower time and I am dressed. As much as I didn't want to get on the scale I ended up there. I was ok when I realized I had maintained my weight. I still wish I hadn't eaten the pizza last night but I am glad that I didn't go overboard with it.
I know that not every day is going to be perfect. I know that, just like the swimming, there are going to be struggles. I just have to remind myself that each day is a new day. Each day I can start all over again. Each moment I can start over again. I am learning to not give up when I hit a mistake. One mistake is ok, as long as I learn from it. When I start to use my mistake as an excuse to keep making them then I have failed. I have come to far this time to start failing.
I want to get healthy so that I can enjoy life and really live it not just wait to die.
What is your goal for today?

2-17-12

Today was a good day. The alarm went off at 4:15 I only hit snooooz once. By 5:05 my daughter and I were at the gym. I got a good 2,000+ calorie burn going to start the day. Came home had a healthy breakfast.
Went to work, at lunch visited my buddies at subway. Got my footlong turkey sub on wheat, ate half then and half for dinner. Yup I ate some fruit along the way today too. YEAH ME!! Then the dreaded evening time. When I get home and "bored", not that I don't have anything to do but it seems the evening time is the worst time that I want to eat something. I was a lil hungry but last night I won the battle. I try not to eat after 6 in the evening but sometimes it just doesn't happen that way. Last night was one of those I did good times :D

The morning workout was great. I got a good burn going in the weight room and then was off to the pool. I love being the first one in the water. It was quiet, for about 20 minutes. I am ALWAYS self conscious of me walking in a swim suit, I don't even like the way I look but it's not stopping me.
I make my way into the water. Just before I make that first stroke to start my swim I look to the end. I am eye level with the water. It is still. Not a ripple ... yet. As I start to take each stroke the water starts to ripple as I make my way down to the other end of the pool. The closer I get to the end the quicker the waves come back at me till one splashes me in the face. I was so lost in my thoughts already that I hadn't realized it was coming so it stopped me for just a moment to catch my breath.
I swam for about 20 minutes before someone joined me. Now this guy is a good swimmer but he can make some waves. I get a lil irritated at times but I know it's not his fault, he has the right to swim too. Each time I get hit with the water, I take another breath and keep going. I finally focused on things other than the water. Before I knew it the hour was gone and I was ready to hit the shower.
It's kind of like anything in life. If we are going to get where we need to go there will be waves and set backs. If I were to stop every time something hit me in the face I would never get any place. I have had my set backs. I have even come to a stand still and even back slide a couple of times, but I am not going to just STOP!! Don't stop keep going. Its the chant I need these days.
What keeps you going when you want to give up?

2-16-12

Keep pushing

Today was just not the day for me. I know I wasn't feeling it. I had to fight with myself EVERY step of the way. My alarm went off at 4:15 this morning and I came awake pretty well, but then I lost it. I had set it earlier than normal because I was determined that I was going to be AT the gym at 5 when it opened. I went to see if my daughter was going with me and she decided that today was not the day to go. My thoughts at that time was I will go after I take her to school and workout longer. My downfall was going back to lay down till time to take her to school. I soooo did NOT want to move at this point. I did get her to school and you would have thought I would have made myself gone then, but noooo. I came back to visit with my son for a while, and did till he went back to bed. (HE made it to the gym when I SHOULD have gone)
Finally about 10:30 I managed to pushed myself to the gym. This was actually earlier than I usually get there on Thurs (one of my three days off right now) so I should count this as a plus but still didn't. I got a good two hours in PUSHING myself all the time. This should have made me feel good about the day, but it didn't

Today I decided that I want to FEEL the burn. I did my first set of weights at the normal weight. My next set I went up 15lbs on each one AND added two machines I don't usually do. So now not only my legs hurt from the extra weight but my arms from the ones I don't usually do. This should make me feel good that I pushed thru, but it didn't

Once I was done with the weight room I wanted to go home but it was time to hit the pool, as much as I didn't want to do it. I dragged myself to the pool and swam for an hour. Yeah I was tired and I had to keep telling myself to push thru. "don't stop, keep going" It the chant the football boys use to say and sometimes I have to tell myself that .. DON'T STOP KEEP GOING!! At the end of each length of the pool I wanted to stop. When the other swimmers made the water much less easy to swim I wanted to stop DON'T STOP KEEP GOING!! I told myself that over and over today.

I know that you only fail when you stop trying and I was determined to not stop but it was so hard today. I just kept feeling the "failure" kind of feeling. I kept telling myself I was not a failure that I only fail when I quit .. DON'T STOP KEEP GOING!! The young lady that is one of the lifeguards at the pool has at times put on, if it was not already on, KLOVE and it helps me to keep going when I want to stop. Today it was getting close to time to go and I still needed something to push me. She tried to put it on but for some reason the sound would not turn up. I felt I was on my own. DON'T STOP KEEP GOING!! I honestly don't know how I made it thru my day, at least the workout part.

When I finished up I felt more drained than ever. Since I still have the "junk" in my chest I decided to sit in the steam room for a bit like I had been doing earlier this week. It helped but still I felt even more drained. Not that I thought a steam room would give me energy but I could hope to feel better. My chest did clear up but I still didn't have the umph that I had hoped to have today.

After I showered and dressed it was that time of the week. The time that I make my official weigh time. I was not looking forward to this, esp since when I went to the Dr just a week ago I had GAIN nine lbs while I was sick. REALLY?? I get the stomach virus that kept me down for THREE days. What little I did eat did not stay with me and I GAINED NINE lbs ... REALLY?? I had not been happy about it, but not as discouraged as I was feeling today.

Ok, here goes. Time to step on the scale. Slide it over ... move it back ... back ... back? I had lost TEN lbs since last Friday. I thought surely this was a mistake so I get off push it all back to zero lbs and start over. Again it's reading ten lbs. I turn to walk off and start to log it on my phone app and had to go back one more time. Yup it was again ten lbs. Now you would think think this would make me happy right? nope. I just could not get excited about it. Don't get me wrong I was happy that I had lost the nine lbs plus one, but that I was just not feeling that umph.

I hate days like this when I should feel happy, or at least upbeat, and I don't. I am glad that I kept pushing thru. I did pretty good on my food choices for the day. I managed to burn twice as many calories as what I ate so I am good with that. So why don't I feel happy about it. I have lost SEVENTY lbs and I still feel down. WHY?
So if anyone is reading this feel free to answer this. What do you do when you want to keep going and just don't feel like it?

2-15-12

I'm hungry, no I'm not, yes I am, no I'm not

First day back to work after being sick for the most part of the last two weeks. Started the day off a lil later than I had planned. My plans was to be AT the gym by 5 when it opens up, not getting in the car to leave. I did manage to get in a fairly good workout. Spent 30 min in weight room staring at the machines and then at the pool. NOOOO I didn't. I did workout pretty hard in the weight room and finished off with a 45 min swim. Tomorrow I WILL go longer and step it up a notch. Do you ever feel like you just have to make up for lost time?
Today's food choices didn't start out to well but I changed that pretty quick. Prior to my workout (the reason that I was running late) I had a hot link left from last night. Ok ok I ate two, I was hungry. I hate waking up hungry. My trip to the gym worked up a good appetite so I came home and made an omelet. I had been recipe shopping on Pintrest this weekend and tried something new. Baby spinach, onion topped off with Fetta cheese. Really tasty :D
I was pretty proud of the fact that I did some food planning today too. When I went to the store last night I got veggies and fruits AND ate them today. I took a sack of baby oranges and apples with me to work today to snack on. Since I hadn't visited my buddies at Subway in few weeks that was my lunch/dinner choice. I ordered my footlong on wheat and LOTS of veggies, NO dressing. I eat half for lunch and then half for dinner.
So now I am sitting here wanting an evening snack but knowing it's to late to eat, esp since I don't have a gym that is open at this time. BUT if I got a month membership at PF I could go anything 24-7. I could eat something then go work it off right? No I have to have will power, not that working out this late would be bad. I will play some games an call it an early night

Get outta my way :D

This past week has been a challenge for me to keep moving much less getting in a workout. Saturday a week and a half ago was my last good workout. Somehow from the time I left the gym that day and the time I went to bed I had found a stomach virus. Or should I say it found me because I was NOT looking for it. It seemed to like me better than I like it cuz it stayed around for three days. I just started to feel a lil better from that and then here comes the head junk, which is trying to set up residents in my chest. By this past Friday it was bad enough that I had lost my voice, I think I found it some what today.
Today I did manage to TRY and get to the gym for a workout, but I didn't get a good feeling from it. My chest is still so tight I couldn't breath enough to get a real burn going. I did manage to get a small burn in the weight room but the cardio was a bust. I finally gave up on it all and went to the steam room. This did help to open my chest some but I can't seem to get rid of the stuff. uugghh I WILL try again tomorrow.
It is easy to focus on what is going wrong instead of what you have going for you. Especially when you have a goal you are working for and it seems so far away. At the same time we can have people in our lives that can stand in our way of reaching these goals without meaning to. In the past 24 hours I have had two people that stated that they have a parent, with good intention, causing them make poor food choices. Yes I know, as well as they do, that in the end WE/I/You/ME makes the choice for ourselves.
The first one I spoke with didn't even realize what was happening till she started to do a food journal. She realized that a lot of what she did with this parent was "emotional eating". On days she had not spent time with this parents her food journal had much healthier choices and portion sizes. Once she realized it she had a talk with that parent.
The second stated he had some of the same challenges with his parent too. (the two did not know each other) I felt like I was on replay when I was listening to him. I am sure the parent meant to harm, they didn't realize it was happening either. But it is essential that we realize things like this are in our lives so we can confront them and deal with it.
It's not always a parent that does this. How many times has someone said to you "it's OK just this one time" " a lil won't hurt you can make up for it tomorrow"? It may come from a parent, a sibling, co-worker or a friend that just wants you to "enjoy" life. What do you do when these times happen?
I didn't realize, till just now, how many people in my life have done that. So many times I caved too. I listen to what I wanted to hear not what I needed to hear to get me closer to my goal. I can't think of anyone in my life, right now, that is doing that to me. I have made it known that I am fight the losing battle :D and everyone is supportive of me. I only have one drawback, that I am not going to mention yet, that I need to work on in this area. I don't mention it in more detail, not because I am avoiding the situation I know it's there, but because I have not "worked it out" with this person yet.
So I challenge myself as well as anyone that is reading this to look at your life, evaluate your goals and ask yourself "what something/someone is getting my way of making them?" Would love to hear your feed back on this one.

2-12-12

It really is meaningless!!

I know it's suppose to be a positive thing and here I am saying it's all meaningless.
Well it is.

I have come a long way on this journey the past year. Anyone that has known me for any extended length of time know this is not my first round of trying to "get it right". I have done diets. I have gone super workout girl. I have done the starvation route. The list could go on and on, and some of this even worked for a while.
What can make a difference this time? How can I KEEP my eye on the goal? Good question. I first have to do the "soul searching" and find out what really matters to me. I have to find that one key that makes the difference. I had this key when I was in my early 20's and I lost sight of it. I got out and did my own thing thinking I can do ANY thing I want to. I knew it ALL. For the older crowd that is reading this you know exactly what I am talking about, I am sure we have all at some point thought this. To the ones who have not be aware that it can come to you at any time and you will lose sight of what really matters.

What is my ultimate goal? I want to look good? I want to feel good? I want to be able to run and do things with my kids? I want to run a marathon?? ( stop laughing I MIGHT some day lol ) I want to be healthy? What will make this time different?

As I said I did have that goal in sight when I was younger but lost it. No matter what road you are on. No matter how old you are. No matter if you are financially rich or poor it is all meaningless without One driving force. It is the One that has kept me going in the good and bad. If I work myself thin in the gym. If I eat myself healthy and share it all with you guys, and that is all I share, I have missed the most important One.

When it first became noticeable that pounds had started dropping off people asked me how I was doing it. I smiled and say A LOT of prayer. I know some thought that I was just being silly and didn't want to tell them what I was doing. The thing is, I was being honest. I knew I needed to put God in the driver seat. I can NOT do this on my own.
No guys I'm not giving you a sermon and I am just sharing what has made me stick with it better, like I did when I was younger, that made a difference this time. I can write posts and tell you about tips, meal planning, victories and defeats, but if I don't let you know why I am able to push thru all this it doesn't mean a thing.

"Ecclesiastes 2:25 To the man who pleases Him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. "

We all have "tasks" to live but if we miss the Key to focus on, the true Key it is all meaningless. We have wasted our time. My Key focus is God. HE is my driving force when I want to stop. He is my peace that helps me thru what I feel are my failures. He is the one still small voice that say chose the healthy option. He is the one that gives me to swim one more lap or lift that weight ten more times.
What is your true driving force?

2-11-12

Well today didn't start off like I wanted it to but it's ok, doc told me yesterday it's probably best that I rest up. It's been a week and since I worked out and I really wanted to go. I had my alarm set for 7AM, since the gym doesn't open till 8, and was going to get a good workout in. About 7:30 something woke me up and I realized my phone had shut down. Apparently I didn't charge it last night like I thought I had, I took it as God tell me to rest up.
Went to breakfast with some friends on cleaned on the house some .. ok ok I didn't really clean I moved things around. lol But I did wash the dishes. Hopefully by Monday I will be back to feeling like going to the gym and making up for lost time. This weekend I am going to take it easy

For those of you that hasn't seen this it's a set of pix that had been taken at random times over the past year to show the journey. I am NEVER the one that lets people take my picture (that's why I am the photographer) but since I am trying to be accountable with you guys and I going to put it all out there. I know only a few of you know what my TRUE weight is, but I'm not ready to tell ya that yet. I am doing good just taking full length pictures. When I started this journey people kept trying to get me to keep a pic journal but I didn't. I think probably so many times I had started before and ended up losing a few lbs and then falling back again. I just didn't want to have to see those picture that was showing me getting back bigger instead of getting smaller. I promise to take a least ONE picture a MONTH, if you want to see more than that take me shopping and buy me something new an make me look gorgeous and I will think about it :D.
have a GREAT day

2-10-11

ok here we go
so I am doing this for me and if it helps you along the way I am really happy to be a part of that.
A year ago I started a weight loss journey. It has been a long hard road and it's not over yet. I have had setbacks but I have VICTORIES too.

When I say I am doing this for me, I mean that I need something that I can log my daily thoughts and struggles to help me keep on track. This can be a sounding board for anyone or if no one joins in it's a focus for me. Feel free to share, encourage or just read.

This week has been a LONG rough week. A week ago a stomach virus, or something like it, found me. TRUST me I was NOT looking for it. But it did keep me company thru Tuesday. Once I started feeling better from that I get this wonderful head cold, or something resembling it, now I can't talk. Not a good thing since I work in a call center. Yeah I HAD to call in, lookout Doc here I come.

I usually try and workout everyday if not at least 3-5 times a week. I have not been in a WEEK now :( When I workout I always feel better when I am done, even though it takes a lot to get me going some days. So now on top of being sick I have not been able to workout all week and feel ...aahhmm YUCK!!

Ok enough about my week, let me catch you up on my journey this past year.
Jan 2011 was a "high" for the "low" of my life. I had been the Queen of excuses for WAY to long and it was time to STOP!! "I can't" is not longer part of my "excuse" list for not losing weight. And yes this year is my year of NO EXCUSES (was glad to see that Biggest Loser copied me on this) but back a year ago.

Jan 2011 I set my mind that this year WAS going to be different. I set a goal, and for those that know me and my fly by the seat of my pants attitude about things, know that setting a goal was a BIG step for me. I wanted to lose 100 lbs in a year. ok ok it was not my initial goal but when I came to my sense it was my attainable goal. I sweated, whined, cried, worked, and many more roller coaster emotions in the past year. At the end of my year had lost SIXTY-FIVE lbs. I know some say "awww you missed you goal" but I say I LOST IT!! Yes there were times that I got disappointed about the place I was at but I feel sooooo much better than I did a year ago (well short of the junk this past week )

This year I am shooting for that 100+ loss. I am more determined than ever. I am NOT going to stop, it's not in my vocabulary any more. I love a "cheer" I use to hear at the football games "Don't stop, Keep going" It's one of my new cheers that I keep telling myself. So when you see me, and you will see me, getting down on myself just smile and give me that cheer. My favorite saying these days, one that was gotten from my wonderful mom "ya just do it" You are the ONLY one that can make that change or get it started. No one can drag you to the gym or force you to eat the healthy choices and make it last. Make that choice TODAY!!
So much more that I could say but much more time to catch up.
Hope everyone has a great day