2-13-14

write ... don't write. Go ... you don't want to.  Eat ... don't eat.  AAAAUUUUGGGHHHH 
Today has been a constant struggle.  The battle is really intense.  I know where it comes from but sometimes knowing doesn't help the feeling.  It doesn't make it go away.  Some times it doesn't even give me peace.  

Peace 

Peace 

That's what I am missing right now.  I know God is walking with me.  I REALLY had to fight the blah of not wanting to go to the gym.  Once I was there and plugged in to KLOVE song after song told me "I am with you".  I know He's with me but it doesn't stop the struggle.  It just stops the enemy from  .... from ... wow if the enemy is working this hard to keep me down I don't want to imagine what God is blocking from me.

So nutrition today.  It was good.  A struggle to eat but I ended up in a good calorie range.  Since I started using my Polar I am sadly aware of just how little calories I am burning.  I look at the number on the scale.  I look at the number of calories and I am tempted to not eat and work even harder.  I know this isn't healthy.  I know that it can put me in starvation mode and cause me to gain weight instead.  I know people who are not over weight don't understand that..  We don't always get this way from eating to much, some times it's from not eating enough.

Exercise was fun ( she says sarcastically).  I wanted to go to a Zumba class but that didn't happen.  My last call at work went long so I didn't get off in time.  I convinced myself that I couldn't get there in time to start.  I guess had I rushed I could had slid in with the rest of the group.  But if I was completely honest with myself I just "didn't want it bad enough".  

I wanted to go home at this point but I knew I needed to keep going.  I drove to Planet Fitness texting anyone that I could to pray for me or to make me go.  I had this overwhelming feeling of wanting to cry.  I had no real reason to cry.  Nothing was really wrong.  Well other than the constant fight going on inside of me.  The day at work was pretty rough but I have had hard days before.  

After texting my friend Cathy she made me smile.  I still sat there for at least thirty minutes.  Go .. don't go.  You need to go.  I could go home an just do some zumba on video.  Who are you kidding if you go home you know you are not going to do that.  You will sit down on the couch and just do nothing.  Maybe eat.  Possible convince yourself to end up eating to much.  Just get up and go.  I say it again, if anyone could read my mind I would have to watch out for the guys with the lil white I love me jackets.

I did make it in.  I was going to get in thirty minutes on the bike and go.  After all that's my goal.  But what happened to adding more this week.  What happened about stepping it up.  Walking in the door I see a friend from church.  Of course I stopped and talked.  Isn't it the polite thing to do?  I know I was stalling.  I'm still fighting it.

I walk in the locker room still just dragging myself in and I hear "Genie?".  I turned to see Linda a fellow contestant.  Again stalling not wanting to go I realized that I am not alone in this.  She was having the same issues.  Then again I have talked with several people that are on the same journey that say the same thing.  At least I'm not alone.

I took longer than usual to get changed an ready to go.  I thought I would do at least thirty minutes on the bike.  Of course once I was there I managed to get in an hour.  It was all I could do to keep going.  By this time it wasn't the do dont do battle, it was my knee.  I did the first thirty minutes and was going to stop but told myself just go fifteen more minutes.  I was about done with that and found myself caught up watching the Olympics.  I was still listening to KLOVE but I was watching the athletes.  I still have no desire to be one but I got into watching them and stopped focusing on me and the time went faster.

Before I knew it I was up to 56 minutes.  That's when it really hit.  I had felt twinges and fought past them but now my knee was starting to feel some pain that bothered me.  I managed to push thru the hour.  I hadn't come this close to give up.  I finished the hour and headed for the locker room.  What I did next I don't know I still don't know why I did.  

I was walking to the locker room.  I had every intention of going home at this point.  After all I had done twice what I had intended to do when I finally came in.  I turned the corner to go to the locker but next thing I knew I was stepping up on the corner treadmill.  WHAT???  I'll just do fifteen minutes.  I"ll do a slow walk for a relaxer before I go home.  Doesn't even one like to go for a walk to relax?

Nice slow pace to me these days seems to be 2. mile .... my usually warm up pace.  Oh no this "relaxing" walk ended up a lil faster pace.  Only 2.5 but it was much more than I planned on doing.  For that matter THIS was more than I had planned on doing.  I some how started to feel my second wind and thought I can do thirty minutes.  My knee wasn't feeling to bad at this point.  Still watching the Olympics, mens ice skating.  The knee had different plans for me.  I ended up stopping after fifteen minutes.  Not a bad workout out for stalling for so long.

And so the battle continues.  Tomorrow is a new day for me to start all this over again.  Tomorrow WILL be a better day.