8-2-12

Don't even know where to start ... hhmm seems I say that a lot these days.  Yeah it's been a while since I wrote, guess I'm kinda fallin down in a lot of ways.  Well at least the ones on my journey.
The only thing really positive that I have been doing is going to training.  That's only 30 minutes.  Well that's not totally true.  I just haven't made any extra effort to hit the gym and I really need to.  I have lost my motivation.  No it's not that.  I just ... well I guess the depression has hit me.
A year ago I was basically watching my mom starve to death.  This was a tough month for me last year and I guess it's not going to be the same for a long time, if ever.  Mom's birthday is this month too.  Or I guess I should say it would have been.  I can't believe that in just a month she will have been gone for a year.  
Some days I just feel lost.  Today seems to be on of those days.  I know she's not up in heaven thinking about me.  It's a blessing to know she isn't lonely any more.  She not in pain any more.  She's happy.  I just wish sometimes that she were able to think about me.  But if she were to be able to then it would cause pain an sadness and there is none of that in heaven.  I just miss her a lot right now.
Tonight, of all the other things that popped her in my mind, I opened my phone to send a text and some how her contact info had opened.  I hadn't opened it but I guess when I closed my phone I hit it or something.  I don't know ... it was the point that broke me.  All I could do was cry.  I wanted to hold her again and hear her voice just one more time.  Some times I listen to voice mail that she had left on my phone ... do you ever do that?  Have something that you can hear a loved one on an just listen knowing it's going to hurt but you just want to hear their voice?  


So as far as my journey it's at a stand still.  I need someone to kick me in the butt and get me started again.  I know a lot of the things I need to be doing, I just can't get myself doing it this past few weeks ... actually months.  I am letting everyone down that has been following me ... if anyone still is ... I'm sorry.  I keep saying tomorrow ... I know I know tomorrow never gets here ... that's what makes me mad at myself.  I'm just having a pity party I guess.  I'll get over it soon ... nite all