May 22 2013 day 17 of 100

Here we go again.  I have lost count of how many times I have got off track.  When I stop and think about it my heart gets heavy and I want to give up.  At the same time I DON'T want to go back to where I was.  I CAN'T go back there.  So I just keep going.  I get up and I fall.  But isn't it that way with everyone?  Isn't that how we find where we are?  IF we never failed at anything how would we know that we are succeeding?  Would we know?  Would we feel that good feeling you get when you hit that mark you are looking for?  What is that mark for you?  What is my goal?  

As many know that may follow this I have been on this journey for two years now.  I set out for the BIG goal to lose down to be under 200 lbs.  I have not been that low on the scale since before I had kids, twenty plus years actually.  I have been at weights that I was more comfortable with myself but not under 200.

January 2011 I set out to lose 100 lbs by my birthday in Sept.  That didn't happen.  I reset that goal and reset that goal.  I have yet to hit that 100 lbs mark.  I got close 92 lbs and I am happy about that.  But then I keep losing it, no not the weight but the drive to keep going.  I keep looking at that halfway point and getting distracted at my daily goals.  I look at people that I have come to know on this journey and see their success and feel like I am missing it.  Feel like?  no I AM missing it.  I get discouraged at my choices some days.  I have been lazy.  I could sugar coat that thought and make excuse but fact still remains that I have gotten lazy.  Lazy ... L.A.Z.Y. 

I could blame my lazy choices on my depression and it does affect me but that would be an excuse.  I know that when I get out and work out and make healthy choices thru the day I don't feel that depression.

I could blame in on lack of money.  REALLY???  Somedays I say I don't eat healthier because I don't have the money to buy that stuff.  Who am I kidding?  A time or two here and there that is true but then I get in the habit on that being an excuse.  

FOCUS on the positive!!!!  I lose focus, do you??  I could blame that on the ADD, like so many do but that is an excuse.  FOCUS!!  What do I focus on?  Apparently the BIG goal is getting my off track.  I look at it an it seems so far away.  Like I will never make it there.  I need to adjust my focus.  I know someday I am going to make it.  I know someday I am going to be in Heaven.  I know someday ....  I need to learn how to focus on the day to day steps.  The big goal is the "end" prize and yes I want that in many areas of my life but I have to work to get there.  I have to take it one step at a time.   As I write this I am torn inside.  I want to make the right choices but I seem to keep looking at the end goal not where I am now.

I CAN do this!!  Today WILL be another new start.  If I fall down tomorrow I will start again so stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.  I need all the help I can get.

5-14-13 16 of 100

One of the days I hope to get it all together.  One of these day I hope that I can live a happy free life.  A life free of food addiction.  A life where I don't have to take meds for depression.  A life where I can just be happy to be alive. I know that not all of these can be.  I know that I will have to deal with them for the rest of my life.  Lets face I am pushing 50, if I was going to "get it all together" I would have done so by now.  God has me here, where I am, for a reason and I accept that.  Even at my age I am still learning to deal with all this.  I will never "get there".

I have not been writing cuz I don't feel like I have anything to say that would motivate anyone.  I didn't feel like I had anything to say that anyone wants to hear.  I know that I started this to keep me on track and hopefully motivate someone along the way.  I just don't feel like I have been doing that. 

Now that I have my confession out what have I been doing?  I have been bouncing back and forth with exercise and nutrition.  It seems if I get going on my nutrition I miss it with exercise and vise a versa.  I told someone today, jokingly, that I need someone to keep me on track.  Even though I said it as a joke I probably do need someone to keep me accountable.  It is tooooo easy for me to find an excuse not to do the right things.  I love motivating people and helping them but some days I need it too.  Everyone needs someone to motivate them, me included. 

I was on a roll with the gym till last week.  Somehow I hurt my arm and there is pain that I don't know what to do with it.  I had hoped that it would be better by now by not using it to much.  Tomorrow I am going to attempt the gym.  I NEED my swim.  I just don't feel the same when I don't get some type of exercise.  REAL exercise not just the lil things I do for the extra stuff.  I still park towards the back of the parking lot at work.  I take the stairs .... going down all the time but been lazy about it going up.

Tomorrow ... no today I will get in some kind of exercise, even if its just walking on my lunch.  I NEED to regain control of the road I have been walking the past two years.  It was not for nothing.  It is for my life.  A healthier life that I deeply desire.  We all do.  

If you do not have an accountability partner look for one.  If you need give me a call, even if you don't live close, we can call and talk or text or whatever you need to keep on track. I'm ready for this are you?  

Stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.  WE CAN do this!!!

April 19th 2013 15 of 100

It feels like it has been so long since I wrote anything.  I think I was just back at the pool talking about dolphin boy.

This week was much better than I have been in a while.  Well in most areas.  Eating choice... eehhh not as good as I would like them to be but still more controlled than I use to.  

The gym .. ahhh my gym.  I love love love to swim.  Some days it doesn't even feel like exercise .. till dolphin boys starts that swim lol  Come on guys he looks like a dolphin I'm REALLY not trying to be mean.  I have to say though it does build me up. I have to fight harder to swim and it makes me tired buuuuttt I have to fight harder to burn calories.   idk if it's true but it sounds good huh?  ():D

So after last weekend getting sick and MAKING myself hit the gym Tue I am feeling so much better.  I was able to swim Wednesday morning as well.  The past two days no swim cuz I had to go into work early.  However today on my lunch I did get in a 20 minute walk.  It was nice.  Didn't feel ANYTHING like that first time I walked it two years ago. 

I remember that day so well.  I really had no plans to go for a walk that day, like today.  I had no desire to go for a walk that day, like today.  I walked to the lobby on my lunch and it looked so pretty out that I wanted some fresh air.  I went outside and walk to the end of the building.  Then out to the street.  Then I just kept going (sound like a line from Forrest Gump huh? nnnooo he was running!!)  I ended up making two laps around the full parking lot.  I remember how I could not even walk a full lap without having to stop and rest.  It took me pretty much the whole hour but back then but I just kept going.  I prayed for friends that were going thru trouble and just didn't let myself think about what I was doing.  Well till I couldn't breath and had to stop :/.  

Today I got the same two lapps in in only 20 mins.  I wasn't in a hurry but it was nice that I made both laps in LESS time and didn't have to stop at all  YEAH ME!!!! :D

 Man I can so tell the difference when I don't get a workout in before work.  My stress level on gym days is so much better.  

So my eating habits... man I wish I could say I am on target with that.  I wish I was.  I keep saying "but I am staying in my calorie range" .. and I am  ... but I know I need to get real with it.  I know that last weekend was a wake up call.  No sugars!!!  No greasy foods!!  It was tooooo much for my body to handle.  I will have a splurge day here and there but NOT like that.  I am trying to get back to where I started.  Just kept it simple no whites or sugars.  Not that I go overboard on a daily basis but I need to get more fresh veggies back in my diet.  yeah I know I said that 4 letter word but it's not that it's a diet but a "life style change"  it's still my daily diet right?  lol

So now if I could just get myself on track with both food AND exercise at the SAME time that would soooo awesome!!  So pray for me guys.. PRAYER FOR ME I SAID!!! :D

Ok well speaking of exercise I probably need to get get some more.  20 min walk isn't really much for me these days.  I got to get that squat challenge done.  So stand back say a prayer and cheer me on.  Let's do this

4-16-13 14 of 100

Oh boy FINALLY made it back to the gym.  After being sick in one way or another for the past week it felt good to be back in the water. 

I woke up still feeling like my tummy didn't want to do anything but I drug myself to the gym.  I had my plans to get in the .75 mile that I have set for my morning swims.  As I drove up I could already see that I was in for the added challenge of dolphin boy ( I know some may think I am being ugly calling him that but.... ).  

As I entered the building I wasn't in a hurry.  I knew that I had plenty of time to get in my planned swim.  I was able to hit the water by 5:40, right on time.  As I was swimming I realized that I wasn't doing all that bad on time.  Even with the waves from dolphin boy ... come on guys you have to see that one stroke he does.  I don't know what to call it but I think of dolphin when I see it.  It makes WAVES.  Now don't get me wrong, he has as much a right as I do to be there.  It's not like I am protesting for him to go away.  I just wish he didn't make so many waves.  I know I know it makes me a stronger swimmer.  Well at least I have to work harder while he is there.  Which means burn more calories.  Some days though I dread it.  Some days I want a nice lazy mile swim.  Be nice to me!!

I get on last .25 and was feeling pretty good and talked myself into doing a full mile.  It was only an extra 15-20 minutes and I had that much time before I HAD to get in the shower without being late for work.  So I did it.  The time went by pretty quickly too.  So my new goal now that I can see I can get there I am pushing myself up 10 min.  If I can get in the water by 5:30 I should be able to get in a mile every morning.

Funny I can remember when I made plans to swim a mile or an hour and it seemed like it took FOREVER.  Today this time was like nothing.  I guess I have gotten use to the two hour swim that this is a quick walk in the park.  I just know it's nice to be able to keep going.

Not much else today.  Stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.  

4-8-13 13 of 100

Today I started my new schedule and it was good.  I work up bright an early and was in the pool by 8:40.  That gave me plenty of time to swim an hour before I had to get ready for work.  It was GREAT!  Today I didn't even mind Dolphin boy.  If you don't remember him ask or look at prior days posts.  He's there.  
The day went well.  I had a few sets back but I did not let them keep me down.  I am not going to let myself get stressed like I have been.  A good exercise like this morning definitely does help that. I want to get there everyone morning before work and then a good swim in on Saturday.
Food went well.  I went over a lil but it was all healthy stuff ... aahhmm I think  lol

Well it's late and I have been lazy since I got home and now it's time for bed.  I will come back tomorrow and let you know how it goes :D
stand back, say a prayer an cheer me on.

4-6-13 12 of 100

Good morning all.  As much as I look at things from the outside and they seem hopeless some days, to many things these days, I am still hanging on.  I have been beat up in ways I can't even put into words.  If there is an award somewhere down the line for hanging on I better be in the running for it.  Yeah I'm keepin my humor as much as possible.  Even if my JOB says different.

I have had setbacks that have me bothered but I keep going.  I realized that one of the meds that I am taking is causing me to retain fluids.  I don't like that feeling so I am tempted to not take it.  Don't worry I am taking it ... the reason for the set back on the scale.  

Today I am starting my 24 day challenge.  I use to be one that would try anything that came along but I don't this is one of them.  I really stayed away from it for about a year now.  I had tried plenty of quick fixes and the results lasted about as long as it took to get them.  This is something that I think I am ready for an that my body needs.  I have read and asked lots of questions about it and I feel it's going to be beneficial for me.  So lets see what happens.  I am hoping this will help with that setback I have been having. 

On a different note, I have only gotten to the gym once this week.  Usually by this time on Saturday morning I would already be in the pool.  Today I am working a local 5k crazy run.  Crazy in that it is filled with obstacles like mud slides, climbing and crawling.  If you don't get muddy you didn't do it right they say.

I did photos at it last year and wanted to be down so that I could participate in it this year.  I am just not ready for that ... yet.  I am sure I will get in plenty of exercise of a different type.  Last year I didn't get to as much of the trail as I would have liked to but I am going to venture more this year.  Not just for the photos but for me.  

Good news is that I am going to sign up for not one but two 5ks over the next 6 weeks.  I had come across one that is May 18th and was getting my self pumped up for it.  I may only walk it but I will do it an finish it.  I seen that there is one in two weeks on the 20th of this month that I am probably going to do as well.  As some of you know it's something I have talked about since I started walking to lose weight.  It's time!!  I don't see myself as ever being a runner but some days I want to run.  I can't run.  I never could run.  But maybe jog a bit here an there.  

Since today is a busy day I need to get moving.  Stand back, say a prayer an cheer me on. 

4-3-13 11 of 100

Wow I can't believe that I have not written in two months.  Things have been crazy I have been up an down on the scale and with my emotions too.  I think I have been from one extreme to the other.  But I am not giving up.
I was doing good then got sick the first week of March and got back off track again. I spent the whole week, for the most part, on the couch feeling like I wanted someone to just run over me and put me out of my misery.  
The next week was spring break and I was on staycation.  I had planned on going to the gym EVERYday and keep get back ahead of things (that was plans before I got sick).  The most I got done was the day I painted on the kitchen.  A lot of climbing and stretching was good. :D  By Friday that week I did make it to the gym and got in about an hour or so of swimming.  The next few weeks only got in a Saturday swim.  But I did end up on a positive note.  This past Saturday I did get in a GOOD swim!!  I made it 2 miles.  That in itself was a record distance for me at one time.  It took me 2.5 hours to get it in but I did it.  I was close to going more, since I didn't have any place I HAD to be, but I stopped.  By the time I got done with my shower my arms were aching.  ACHING!!  I came home and sat down on the couch for a few minutes and I really didn't have the energy to raise my arms.  
The rest of the day was on the run.  Literally.  I had lunch with my daughter and then off for some shopping.  I am not the typically female that loves to shop but I got it done.  I let my daughter talk me into trying on a few things that I normally wouldn't wear.  I did come up with something a lil more dressy than I have been wearing but not as dressy as some of what she had me try on.  I'm just a lil tomboy still  lol
Then it was off to get things she needed to go with her dress.  So the rest of the day was ON THE RUN.  We went to way too many stores and with all the things I had to do I was gone til late.  I started my day at the gym at 8:00am and was not home till 7ish that night.  But I wasn't done yet.  While the kids went on a pizza run I cleaned up the living room.  I thought no more than I ate for the day and as much as I had done I would be good for a few slices of pizza.  
Sunday was a relaxed Easter Sunday, I even got in a short nap lol

So April is starting out better I played hookey from work and took a vacation day yesterday.  I got in a good swim.  A whole 1.25 miles lol.  Its actually about my average swim when I have time.  Next week I start a new work schedule and will be hitting the gym BEFORE work.  At FIVE am!!  I can get in about an hour each morning and that will get me back ahead of my schedule for my 100 miles for the year.  I am currently at 27.5 miles for the year.  Yeah me!!

Ok for now that kinda catches ya up on me.  Stand back, say a prayer and watch me go!!