May 22 2013 day 17 of 100

Here we go again.  I have lost count of how many times I have got off track.  When I stop and think about it my heart gets heavy and I want to give up.  At the same time I DON'T want to go back to where I was.  I CAN'T go back there.  So I just keep going.  I get up and I fall.  But isn't it that way with everyone?  Isn't that how we find where we are?  IF we never failed at anything how would we know that we are succeeding?  Would we know?  Would we feel that good feeling you get when you hit that mark you are looking for?  What is that mark for you?  What is my goal?  

As many know that may follow this I have been on this journey for two years now.  I set out for the BIG goal to lose down to be under 200 lbs.  I have not been that low on the scale since before I had kids, twenty plus years actually.  I have been at weights that I was more comfortable with myself but not under 200.

January 2011 I set out to lose 100 lbs by my birthday in Sept.  That didn't happen.  I reset that goal and reset that goal.  I have yet to hit that 100 lbs mark.  I got close 92 lbs and I am happy about that.  But then I keep losing it, no not the weight but the drive to keep going.  I keep looking at that halfway point and getting distracted at my daily goals.  I look at people that I have come to know on this journey and see their success and feel like I am missing it.  Feel like?  no I AM missing it.  I get discouraged at my choices some days.  I have been lazy.  I could sugar coat that thought and make excuse but fact still remains that I have gotten lazy.  Lazy ... L.A.Z.Y. 

I could blame my lazy choices on my depression and it does affect me but that would be an excuse.  I know that when I get out and work out and make healthy choices thru the day I don't feel that depression.

I could blame in on lack of money.  REALLY???  Somedays I say I don't eat healthier because I don't have the money to buy that stuff.  Who am I kidding?  A time or two here and there that is true but then I get in the habit on that being an excuse.  

FOCUS on the positive!!!!  I lose focus, do you??  I could blame that on the ADD, like so many do but that is an excuse.  FOCUS!!  What do I focus on?  Apparently the BIG goal is getting my off track.  I look at it an it seems so far away.  Like I will never make it there.  I need to adjust my focus.  I know someday I am going to make it.  I know someday I am going to be in Heaven.  I know someday ....  I need to learn how to focus on the day to day steps.  The big goal is the "end" prize and yes I want that in many areas of my life but I have to work to get there.  I have to take it one step at a time.   As I write this I am torn inside.  I want to make the right choices but I seem to keep looking at the end goal not where I am now.

I CAN do this!!  Today WILL be another new start.  If I fall down tomorrow I will start again so stand back, say a prayer and cheer me on.  I need all the help I can get.