5-10-14

Today may be short and sweet.  I am just trying desperately to get my rhythm back.  I had managed to get back on track in January when I started the weight loss contest.  I was being held accountable in ways that I needed something extra like this to keep my thoughts straight.  Then again this, when I can make myself, helps me get my thoughts out.  Some days I keep thinking I've had a rough day or that I made a lot of wrong choices and I start to write about it and I sometimes find it wasn't as bad as I thought.  I need that day.

 These days I know I have plenty going on that are good but I seem to keep focusing on the things that are bothering me.  Here lately I seem to cry a lot, sometimes I really not sure why.  I have to stop and get my thoughts together, refocus them.

Last week I made the decision to delete my Facebook.  I realized some of the things that were bringing me down was because of the drama that I was seeing on there.  I was spending time on there that I could be doing something more productive.  In some ways it's weird to watch everyone around me reading FB and updating status and I start to pick up my phone ... oh wait I don't have it.  Thing is a week later now and I don't miss it.  I have to laugh when someone asks "did you see that post that ... "  ah no!!

So the past few Saturdays, after reading Pinterest, I decided I would finally work on changing a few things in my bathroom that I had been wanting to do.  It's not anything fancy but it a few changes I wanted to spruce it up.  It's put a new life and made me feel good about getting something done.  It's only the start of many changes I want to get done.

With both kids gone or almost gone from living here I have plans to change the whole house before I am done.  Instead of walking through the house and seeing where they use to do something or walk past the empty room, I am focusing on what I want to make the rooms.  At some point I will have a workout room and a studio for my graphics and photo work.  And yes at some point my room.

The past few days I have not really done a workout as some would put it, but I did house work and I did get a good sweat going today lol.  Who said you need a gym to get a workout in.  It keeps my mind off what I don't have and gets me moving and look ahead.  After all isn't that where I am going?

So anyone out there battling depression do what ever you can to shake it off.  Find a project of any kind to keep you mind off what is getting you down.  We ALL have something, that if we focus on it, can kick you in the butt.  I know it's not always easy but find that drive and try to keep going.

5-9-14 Not going to stay away

So my last post I kinda mentioned that I was getting hit with my depression.  Ok a lil more than kinda.  It's been hard.  I have so much going on that sometimes it just overwhelms me.  I am not going down without a fight, I just needed to find that fight again.

After the contest was over I had decided that I would take off a week.  This has been a pretty long week ... it's actually been a month.  I have not been just going completely crazy the whole time.  I just have not been dedicating myself to my goal like I want to, need to.

The week after the contest was my son's wedding and I had decided that since I was "good" through all the showers and stuff that I could have pigged out I was going to do what I wanted now.  I didn't just pig out for all that time but when it came to the cake I did make a pig of myself.  I had a super big piece with A LOT of icing.  I loved every bite of it.  They cooked out after and yes I had hot dog, smoked sausage and hamburger.  While eating it I laughed and say it was my one day to be a total pig about it and on Monday I'd get strict again.  

On the way home I was miserable.  I had not ate sugar like that in forever.  I love a good cake with some butter cream icing but had opted not to have it at the showers we had for the kids.  But this was a sugar overload like my body had not had in a really long time.  Regrets?  No I don't.  I have not pigged out like that since but I did not get strict like I wanted to.

So as I mentioned my plan after the contest was to take it easy for a week and kick it back up.  I wanted to lose another 25-30 lbs by the time my daughter gets married.  Here I am a month later and still have not gotten strict like I wanted to.  The wedding is only 7 weeks from today and I have only stepped on the scale once since the contest.  When I did step on the scale I was up 8 lbs.  I was ok with that since my muscle weight was up too.  That was a good thing.

This week got my motivation going again.  At work I had volunteered for a special project.  Can anyone guess what that is?  Better health.  I had put my name in for it before the contest and forgot about it till I got the email telling me I had been chosen for the committee.  

The health issues are not just limited to weight but it seemed that is where everyone kept going.  It seemed that was the one area that they could come up with things that would good to motivate.  One of the ideas is to do a biggest loser contest.  So here I am talking about all the things that I know work and one of the other ladies said "I'm getting motivated just thinking about it."  I sat there thinking I need to get back on this thing and do better.  

That day had been really stressful and I just really was low on motivation so not much came of it.  On lunch I had things I needed to do and it took up enough of my lunch hour that I didn't do anything else.  Wednesday and Thursday was different.  It was almost like the day I started this three years ago.  I went downstairs to the lobby not really planning on walking but ended up going out side and making two laps around the site, that is a mile.  I was pretty happy with myself.  

I can't say that I ate "the right foods" but I did great on proportion sizes of what I did eat that day.  Not trying to make excuses but it's a start.  I am making myself aware of what I am doing.  For the last 4 weeks I have not really done this.  

Yesterday I went outside with the intention of walking and I did.  My lunch I made two laps before I got to hot.  It was my goal so I was ok with it.  On my late break I did half a lap around the front part of the building.  I could say I stopped because it was hot but my feet hurt.  That had been the excuse I had used for the past few weeks.  The did hurt but I found the determination to at least try.  Once I got started I kept pushing myself to keep going.

I have not gotten back in the gym yet but at the same time when I first started I wasn't going to the gym then either.  I am back to doing something daily and that has been my goal.  I don't know if the scale will show what I want it to, but right now I am feeling better and that is good enough for me.  Oh did I mention?  My clothes have started growing again lol

4-27-14

Depression sucks.  It sucks the life out of you.  It kills you umph to keep going when you know you have things to do.
I know that this was going to be an every day thing this year.  It was my goal.  I did well for a while, then again I do pretty well starting out anything I do.  The past month I lost my desire to do this.  No not my desire I still want to keep going I just don't seem to be able to make myself.  I want to keep doing this all on a steady basis but I keep falling down.  I don't plan on giving up I am just having a hard to staying really really dedicated to it.
I haven't written much because I just don't know what to say.  Some days I do ok with nutrition but most day I totally miss it on exercise.  Exercise just doesn't seem to be there.  This makes me want to cry.  I don't want to go back where I was 5 months ago.  I have back down 40 lbs now and I just don't want to have that extra weight with me.  I was miserable in more ways than I am now.  My clothes are starting to fit better again and I feel better than I did back then.
Two weeks ago my son got married.  I am super happy about it for him.  He married a beautiful young lady that makes him smile and makes him happy.  I love to see my kids happy, it makes my heart smile.  On the other side, the selfish side I want that too.  I don't want to be alone.
I am happy, or happier than I use to be, about the way I am feeling and looking.  I did photos for my son's wedding and for once I am not totally disgusted with how I look in them.  My daughters wedding is just two months from today and I really really want to be down at least 25-30 but I know I need to find some way to kick my butt in gear and get busy.  I don't know how or what I am going to do but I am praying that I can do that.  So pray with me so that, not just for looking and feeling good, I can get this back on track for my health.

4-9-14

Ok I AM going to get back on track.  The contest is over.  The first wedding is this weekend.  And hopefully this stomach virus is gone it's way.

I am really thankful for all those that supported me during the contest.  Even though people didn't really tell me I know there were some praying for me.  I met some really super people who, instead of being the competition, I became my friends.  Even more so they became my best support.

I did not win, I knew about mid way through that I was not going to be in the running for that.  I was, and am, ok with that.  I did not finish in the top five like I had wanted at one point.  I have no one to blame for that other than myself.  I got lazy the last few weeks and just couldn't kick myself in gear.  The best thing about this, after getting new friends, is that I am getting back on track and feeling good again.  And that is a winning place for me.

For anyone that has not seen the results here is how I did.

My total loss for the contest stats : 
Starting weight: 351.6; Current weight: 325.4
-26.2 lbs; Percentage of weight lost: 7.45% 



My total loss since Dec 30, the horrible day at the Dr office, is now at 40 lbs.  Even bigger number since I started this journey three years ago I am now back down 79 lbs.  I think about how close I was last time to hitting the 100 lb mark and I want to kick myself.  I am kicking myself.  But I am feeling so much better again, this time I WILL make it ... and more.

I have a new buddy, I guess you could say, going with me to the gym.  Andrew, my future son in law, asked if I wanted to go in the mornings before work.  He feels better when he does the workout in the morning and for that matter so do I.  I actually miss my morning workouts.  I miss the 5:30 swims that got me going.  So when he asked I was more than ready to take him up on that offer.  The kicker is that to get in a decent workout, and make it worth getting up early for, I have to be there at 4:30.

Ok I know you are now thinking that's to early.  I guess for some it is, but it's only an hour earlier than I use to get up to be at the pool.  I get my stuff ready the night before so I don't have much to do when I wake up.  I make my protein shake, get dressed and I'm out the door.  I can usually get that done in thirty minutes or less.

Afton, my daughter, has also decided she wants to go with us.  She's not always as quick to get up so I have to wait for her.  I'm ok with that ... this week.  Next week when I start back to work things may have to change :D.  Who am I kidding next week will change.  I will have to go to work after the gym.  This is going to be a good test to see how long I can last.  I am thinking my lunch time may end up with me napping in the car lol.  But I will get that workout in :D

Since the contest is over I have given myself a break.  I have been eating what I want.  Not that I am stopping this journey nor am I stuffing myself with all kinds of "bad" stuff, I am just giving myself a break.  The things that I crave from time to time I am letting myself eat.  The funny thing about it, when I eat these things my body doesn't like it the way it use to.

I had some Reeses yesterday.  I love those things even though I don't really eat sweets.  It tasted really good.  I savored every bit of the taste as the chocolate and peanut butter melted in my mouth.  But then my said aahhmm yuck and I started feeling sick.  Breakfast yesterday morning was chicken fried steak and eggs.  It too tasted good but the grease from it left me feeling nauseated.
 
  My body doesn't like that stuff any more.  It's ok, I will eat something like that from time to time but I now have the "feeling" that I will get sick if I do.  This leaves me with that extra punch that tells me I don't want to eat this.  So eating "bad" can be a good thing at times.  No I am not encouraging this for anyone, I am saying this is how it worked for me.  Each person has a different trigger.  Mine just happens to be eating something that made me feel sick so that I don't want it like I thought I did.  It's one way that I have learned to listen to my body.  I have taken that stuff out of my nutrition for so long it doesn't react well with my body when I do eat it.

One big thing that I have learned on the journey, not that I listen to it all the time, but is to listen to my body.  If I am in the gym or the kitchen my body sends me signals.  When I am working out I know that I have issues with different parts of my body.  My knee, my ankle and at one time my right arm.  From these issues I have learned how to listen to my body and try to make myself adjust to what they are telling me.

Right now I know my knee needs attention.  I know that it's a matter of time before I will have to see the Dr about it again.  I know that it causes me pain at times.  At the same time I know that a good workout in general can bring pain too.  I am ok with the workout pain but I have a hard time, at times, listening to my knee pain.  I know that it "slips" and some times "pops" and I know this is my body telling me to adjust or stop what I am doing.  This is the type of thing that is important to learn what your body is telling you.  And always, if it doesn't go away, talk to your Dr about it.  I know I don't always listen to my body but I do know how to and I do talk with my Dr about it on a regular basis.

Today I am feeling really good about getting back on track.  I am getting workouts in everyday and then starting next week I am going to buckle back down with my nutrition.  I can't do that before the wedding is over.  I want cake :D lol.  I did good to pass up cake at the showers but this is different.  The contest is over and my son will only get married once so I am going to enjoy it.

3-30-14

so this bites.  I can't believe I have not kept up with things.  Amazing how getting sick for a week can get me off track so easy.  Here I am back where I don't want to be.  I feel like I am falling off track again.

The past month has been crazy.  I think I am feeling better but I keep going back and forth.  I don't know if it's from my meds being messed up or if I have some of the stomach virus that has been going around.
Monday I came home from work early feeling so nauseated all I wanted to do is sleep and hope it would go away.  I get home and I lay here feeling ... not so good.  I wanted to just go to sleep but now that I was where I could .. I couldn't.
Tuesday I tried the day again.  I had planned on going to the gym after work to get in some time.  Somehow I talked myself out of it "I'll go home and do bodycombat".  Oh no by the time get home my knee is bothering me.  This made me talk myself out of doing anything.  One thing after another I talked myself out of doing anything.
Thursday I had talked with my trainer and was going to get in a workout but before the time I was feeling sick again but was going to try and make it.  Then I get text that he had to cancel.  I came home and slept.
Friday let's try it again.  After a few hours of work I had planned to go to the gym.  I some how managed to set in the parking lot for at least half an hour before I could make myself go in.  I wasn't feeling bad I just couldn't make myself go in.
Finally I did go and did get in half an hour on the treadmill.  I kept up a good pace and got a decent burn going.  I left to go have lunch with my daughter before we went to see James ( to get my butt kicked).
I made plans to meet up back at the house and we would go eat.  By the time we both got here and ready to leave didn't have much time to eat.  I ended up stopping by Carl's Jr, it was only thing on the way, and we got ... yes french fries.  Not the best choice but I didn't want to go push a hard workout on an empty stomach, esp with the way I had been with my stomach being.
On the way to James had a close call with a semi truck that decided to change lanes at the last minute.  I locked up my breaks and looked behind me to see not one, not two but three other vehicles behind me having to lock down too.  Long story short it was not one of my finer moments and I was not ticked off.  By the time I got to the gym I was really needing to get off some steam.  I hadn't had a good workout in over a week and I was ready to get it all out.

This is what you get when you are really mad and don't keep a good form.  Yes I was wearing my gloves.  

 but the gloves only come to my knuckles.  Had I not been so mad and ready to get out my frustrations I would have been paying attention to how I was hitting.  The heavy bag got a really good workout on me.  I did finally get it out to bad it was after I busted up my knuckles.

As if that wasn't enough when I was only 45 minutes into my hour workout it hit me.  No not the bag, my stomach.  Here I am in the middle of my first really good workout in weeks.  I had a great burn going.  I was drenched in sweat and still wanting more.  I know crazy right, but I love it.  

Anyway I start feeling sick at my stomach.  Not the best place for this to happen.  As if there was a good place to get sick away from the house.  So I cut my session short :(

Then I was off to the house and slept for the rest of the afternoon.  What a way to end the day.  I did manage to get out for a while to do some shopping.  I had to supplies for the wedding shower I am having for my son and future d-i-l.  I am not the best person for shopping but I wanted to get it done.  This trip lasted a bit longer than I had thought it would, after making it to several stores to get it all.  I still had to cook cakes.  I'm not even going to say how that came out. Anyway it was really late and I had planned on work today.

Today did some overtime and came home to finish up cakes, nope still  not gonna say how bad it looks :/ Still not feeling the best I didn't get a stop in at the gym like I wanted to but I did get the shower stuff finished.

So here I am 1:30 in the morning not being able to sleep and once again feeling sick at my stomach.  I hate that I am not able to get in gym time.  Maybe all this sick stomach will be keeping me down on my weight.  I hope so, I have my final weigh in next Sunday and I really need something good to happen with that.

So that's my week in a few paragraphs.  Wish me luck this week ... and say a lot of prayers.

3-25-14

just when I think I have got it going something knocks me off my balance.  I was doing so well with this blog, exercise journey and then I get sick and now I am fighting to get back where I need to be.

 The good news I'm not just going all crazy and eating whatever I want in any amounts that I want.  Today was a big test of that.  One of our team members had his 10 yr company party.  Now I can't say I was the best I could be, they ordered Wingstop, but I didn't cave on some very rich, delicious cake.  This cake will make you gain at least five pounds just smelling it.  To say it's sweet doesn't even come close, one bite will put you in a sugar comma for the rest of the day.  I am by no means a chocolate fan but this is slap your momma good.  I looked at it ... I wanted some .... but I never even sniffed it.  Even better no one even offered me any, the kept it at the other end of the big table.

I wish I could say I am doing as well with my exercise.  Since I got knocked off my feet with the crud a few weeks ago I have not been able to get it going.  When I did start to feeling better my knee gave me a lot of pain about going.  I got the shot Friday and my Dr wanted me to wait at least 24 hrs before pushing it to much.  Saturday I worked and then worked around the house but never made it to the gym.

Yesterday I had planned on going to the gym after work but that didn't happen.  I felt sick at my stomach and ended up coming home early.  The rest of the evening I lay here on the couch being still trying to keep my stomach happy.

Today I was going to try it again.  The bag is packed and in the car.  Sadly this sick headache is back.  I know it's partly from me not getting enough sleep.  Which is something that has me upset.  The Dr office has my meds messed up.  Or should I say they are toooo incompetent to get it called in to the pharmacy like it needs to be done.  I am sure a good workout would help me get my frustrations out but I can't seem to get it done.  It's one of those catch 22 kinda things.

So I have part of my meds and I am going to try and sleep.  I am hoping tomorrow will be better.  Nite all

3-22-14

wow what a day.  I am happy to say I was about to get the shot for my knee and it's already starting to feel better.  Good thing, it's been a long day.

Work some overtime and ran a few errands before I got to the Dr office .... where I sat for over an hour before I got into the room.  At one point I was so tired I propped my feet up on the couch (since I was the only one there) and all but fell asleep.

I was really happy to get the shot and even more glad now that it has really kicked in.  I was able to walk around Wal-Mart for an hour and I'm not even having any pain.  WOOOHOOO!!!  So that means tomorrow I'm gonna hit it fast and hard.  I have time to make up for.

On another good note, even though I wasn't able to workout any this week I still managed to eat well enough that I lost four more pounds.  I felt pretty good about that. I wish I could have done that well AND got in exercise I could be unstoppable :D

So I am going to try something that is totally out of my norm.  I did this last week for three days but I am going for a full week starting Monday.  I have decided to eat vegan for the week to help to detox my body.  I am sure that is how I lost the four pounds so who knows how well I can do for a week of it WITH exercise.  I'll keep ya posted, wish me luck.

No workouts today Doc wanted me to "be good" for the next 24 hours after I had the shot.
"No body combat?
"I wouldn't recommend it"
"can I go boxing with my trainer"
After a good laugh thinking it was me joking around again " are you crazy?"
Since he did work me in for the shot I was good and didn't do any workout, he didn't say I couldn't walk around Wal-Mart ... sshhh don't tell ;)

Well if I am going to get in my overtime at work and hit the gym after I need to get to sleep.  Nite all.